Nick Swardson
@NickSwardson
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560,532
Following
1,928
Media
325
Statuses
7,322
BACK ON TOUR!! All 2024 dates in bio link
Joined November 2011
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Saw someone with "my warm up is your work out" shirt. Well, my casual drinking is your alcohol poisoning so fuck you.
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A long time ago we made a small movie that bombed and our fans found it on DVD. Thank you!! I love you. My fav. Let’s fucking rage ❤️ shittttssss weak!!!
🎬MOVIE HISTORY: 17 years ago today, January 6, 2006, the movie ‘Grandma’s Boy’ opened in theaters!
#AllenCovert
#NickSwardson
#DorisRoberts
#ShirleyJones
@lindacardellini
#ShirleyKnight
#PeterDante
#JoelMoore
#KevinNealon
#JonahHill
@RobSchneider
#DavidSpade
@NickGoossen
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When I read comments online that I look fat and they’re from dudes. Um....hey guys, yep, I’m 42. I don’t look 22 anymore. Maybe dial it down like you’re a fucking runway model in Milan. You live in Iowa and free base Pop Tarts. Shut the fuck up.
#NeckPillow
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Un-FUCKING-real.... crazy game. Cheers to the Saints. Hill was almost going to win that game on his own. Go Vikes.
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Just casually woke up on TMZ. Travel tip: don’t drink and take edibles in high altitude. Fucking brain diarrhea. I’ll make it up to you Beaver Creek! ❤️
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If the Vikings lose tomorrow I’m going to put a live grenade into my dick shaft and pull the pin in front of my mom.
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Burger King has 10 chicken nuggets for a dollar. A gumball is 25 cents. 10 would be 2.50$. What the fuck is in that chicken? I’m fucking scared.
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Sad about Hugh Hefner. So young. Never got to have sex.
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Quit drinking so I rip a morning dart from time to time. And my team isn’t playing so I wore my Golden Girls jacket. Go Betty White! Happy birthday.
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My buddy reminded me of a moment in high school when my friend Karl looked at his asshole in the mirror of his girlfriends parents house. He stood on the sink to look at it and the sink broke off the wall and he knocked himself out on the tub. Happy Tuesday.
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Hey, everyone, I’m back on social. Had a rough summer and health scare. Everything is fine now but holy shit. CO and UT I’ll be back if you’ll still have me. SKOL Vikes tomorrow. Love ya!
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NFL is a fucking joke. Tell the refs to chill the fuck out. This is one of the best rivalries and it’s non stop fucking flags. I hate/respect the Packers. Let us fucking play the game. I’d never burn a flag but I’ll burn the fuck out of a small yellow one.
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I just texted my friend “eat my shit” and then thought I texted it to my mom and then screamed “fuck” at the restaurant I’m at for dinner. Realized it didn’t go to my mom but everyone is staring at me. Anyway....I’m 42 years old.
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I'd rather freeze a log of my shit and blow it like a dick in front of my mom than watch Yankee fans celebrate. Awful.
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Just sat down at an authentic Thai restaurant. The waitress asked how spicy I wanted my entree and I said “um, you can make it pretty spicy. Whatever you want.” She nodded and then started giggling like a demon as she walked away. Well...I’ve had a good life. Good bye.
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Finishing watching SNL. My dude
@AdamSandler
being hilarious and a legend once again. I’ve seen the Farley song many times on tour with Adam and watching him do it on SNL was amazing and emotional. Sandler toughed that out. Watch it. Incredible. ❤️
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To everyone asking why I wasn’t on
@LightsOut
this week with my brother
@DavidSpade
I had to cancel. My friend killed himself and it’s been awful. The last he texted me was “I miss you” and he took his life. So wasn’t in the mood to be hilarious. Getting better but time heals.
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That was a highlight of my life. Still shaking. Thank you
@stefondiggs
@KyleRudolph82
@casekeenum7
@athielen19
the entire defense. I talk shit but the
@Vikings
are loyal and we always eat shit. Respect to the
@Saints
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Hey, everyone from MN. Lay the fuck off
@KirkCousins8
he’s a human and isn’t happy about that loss. He has a family. Minnesota we’re better than that. The loss sucked and I made a joke on Instagram but don’t pile on the guy. Kirk will be back. 👿💪
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Just got a text update that my flight is “leaving early”. Um, sure....yeah, whenever you want, Delta. Thought you were a major airline and not a buddy going to the liquor store.
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Have some class and don’t pile on
@DanielCarlson38
he got cut and I’m sure feels awful. We’re better than attacking a kid that didn’t want to miss any of those kicks. Hang in there dood. 👊
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That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen and I’ve walked in on Carrot Top talking a shit.
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I was walking to breakfast this morning and a guy drove by and yelled “Nick Swardson I love you!!!” And I started to cry a little cause it was such a sweet way to wake up. Thanks to my fans. Always loyal and awesome. I love you back. Special drops in January. Hope u like it. ♥️
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I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
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Hey, ladies wearing aviator glasses Sunday afternoon....we get it. You drank last night. You’re not a pilot.
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Leaving Cowboy Stadium. Holy penis sweat. What a game. Of course the Vikings have to make it as stressful as possible. Thanks to the nice Dallas fans. 😈😈 Lets go!!! To all the Cousins haters. Snort our hot dish diarrhea. SKOL
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My friend Ralphie. 20 years I knew this fool. Great stand up. Great person. Goodbye friend.
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Great, going from Romo commentating to Joe Buck. That’s like going from Skittles to a broccoli fart.
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No words. Just..... wtf? Another season of this shit. Un FUCKING REAL. I’ll kick. Trust me. I WILL FUCKING KICK THE FUCKING BALL. Fucking joke. Feel bad for Diggs and Cousins. Studs.
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My niece just said “so sad the movie Sixteen Candles could never happen now because they wouldn’t forget her birthday because they would have gotten a Facebook notification” and....the world is fresh poop now. Hot poopy from a butt.
@pattonoswalt
@MattOswaltVA
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@barstoolsports
This article is lame. Olivia is a friend. We did a movie together. Rogers is also a friend. It's a joke. Go fuck yourself you hack tool.
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Just had Panda Express for breakfast at the airport so let’s see how this day plays out.
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Crying a lot today. His leg kick at the end was amazing. And playing a chair. I first met him 20 years ago at a club called Surf Reality. Never forget it. I’m like “what is this guy doing?” Haha. He was doing whatever the fuck he wanted. RIP
You were a groundbreaking comedian who meant so much to all of us. We will miss you, Brody Stevens.
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I hate football. I hope the whole shit city of Green Bay gets bad diarrhea.
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Saw Betty White trending and almost started crying then realized it was for her 97th bday. 🙏❤️ Keep going, Betty, you’re an icon. 💪 stay Golden, girl.
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My mom just asked my 10 year old nephew what the name of his school was and I said "toilet" and my mom yelled at me. I'm 40 yrs old.
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Spirit airlines keeps sending me updates like I want to stay in touch after my one and only flight that sucked. I’d rather travel in an out house from the Civil War.
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Heart broken at the loss of my friend Brody Stevens. I remember meeting him at an open mic in NY. Unique voice. We lost another great.
#RIPBrodyStevens
❤️ he brought me on stage one time and said “Nick Swardson, alternative comic, alternative lifestyle”
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I'd rather hang glide through a tornado than be a World Series relief pitcher.
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I hate football. I'm going to move to a small village with no TV's. Make pottery and suck my own dick in front of cheetahs.
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My childhood in Minnesota. High school. Beer, Schnapps, bad weed, Marb Reds and a dangerously large bonfire that could easily burn down the city but fuck it throw a couch in it and Rick you jump through it.
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Packers 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎eat shit, idiots. SKOL NATION
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RIP Doris Roberts. Sad news today. We can only hope to live a life she did. The fact she did Grandmas Boy blew us away. Honored 2 have her.
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Benchwarmers gang back together!! Filming a new movie not a sequel to Bench. This is a new movie rated R.
@DavidSpade
@RobSchneider
Molly Sims.
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We have some beads for you Saints fans. Anal beads. Eat shit. SKOL TD!!!
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I apologize for the tweets. I have to promote a tour. If it doesn’t sell out I have to suck like 50 dicks. On camera. All men over 70.
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When I die I can’t decide between my last words being “who let the dogs out?” Or “that’s what she said”. Thoughts?
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At a bar and a woman just asked if I'm from Minnesota. Ummmm
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Me if I see a mosquito on
@davidspade
head.
Yell or spit at anyone right now - much less in a grocery - and you get what you get...
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Marshawn Lynch just went so rogue 😂 I wish he was my friend. Dude has your back FOR SURE.
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That’s a fumble. Give me a break. And fuck Pete Carroll and his stupid fuck golf course wig hair.
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Just over heard a guy at my hotel say “my boys bachelor party was crazy! We had a pool table and dart boards!” Wow, dial it down Jerry! Did the cops come?!! How many life sentences are you guys serving?!!! Ur buddy got married at 10 yrs old?
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So we can never tackle Aaron Rodgers? Got it. Eat dog shit out of my cunt Green Bay. Fucking flag happy ass fucks.
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I should not be in public for this game. I should watch in a ball pit at Chuck E Cheez.
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I’d rather watch the end of the movie Philadelphia than this fucking toilet fuck game.
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Fuck. Ugh. FUCK. Respect to the Rams. They worked us.
@JaredGoff16
was a boss. fuck. No D. No O. Don’t blame Cousins. Chugging vodka and jizz tonight. Switching it up. Usually it’s rum and cum. Fuck football. At least my fantasy team is fucking awful.
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I hate football and I hope I get super aids Covid as I suck my own toiled cock. Fuck football in its shit penis. Aids sandwich.
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Byeeee dip shits. Fuck the Packers. Haha. Cheese heads. Non stop shows in Detroit.
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Going to the game. Going to take the ball 3rd quarter bicycle kick it through the uprights and I was told that’s 300 points sooo..... Vikings should win. SKOL
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Well, that was an embarrassing half and now they’re fighting internally. Great. I’m just going to snort this line of dried cat shit and do a cannon ball into a swamp.
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I remember clearly when I heard the news of his passing. I pulled over in my car and started sobbing uncontrollably. I met him once. Gentle giant. 🙏
Happy birthday to the late Chris Farley who would've been 55 today. One of the greatest and most energetic performers gone way too soon. What's your favorite Farley moment?
#ATCpresents
#iconsofcomedy
#ChrisFarley
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My sister just asked me if I wanted to do an escape room. Every room over the holidays with my family was an escape room so I’m good.
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I grew watching him then he became a good friend. MN through and through. Congrats on an epic career. A true MN icon.
@WCCORosen
you’re the best.
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Someone just asked if I was from Wisconsin. I said "no Minnesota". He said "same thing". This dudes about to get bitch slapped with dog shit
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It's basically everywhere now.
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The 90’s took a hit today. So fucking awful. Luke Perry and Keith Flint of Prodigy. Two icons that were apart of my life growing up. Never met either of them but only heard great things about both. Rest In Peace. You made so many people happy. 🙏 ❤️
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My fantasy football team is literally a Porto potty, the last day of a State Fair, filled with warm hot shit right to the top.
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So many people in jail because of marijuana. Fucking bull shit. And all the people taking videos of themselves at the gym just walk free.
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This election is super mellow. Wish people had an opinion on these candidates. Everyone is getting along smoothly on social media.
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I'm going to diarrhea all over the floor, wipe it up with Clay Matthews hair, then braid it and slap A Rodg in the face with my shit rope.
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Yay!!!!
@GopherFootball
great start to 2020. Nothing like pale Minnesotans celebrating in Florida.
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I want to have a wedding. Love weddings. Don't want to be married though. Anyone want get married then rage and not talk again?
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I hate when you forget to clip your toe nails for a while and then you look down and you have the feet of a rogue old sea witch and you barf on your dick.
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Took my first shit after your hottest wings. Basically feel like I got dildo'd by a King Arthur fire sword. Anyway, hope ur well
@BWWings
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Created and writing a new TV show. Have a new tour and special next year. Holidays are soon. And all I can think about is that FUCKING PACKER GAME NEXT WEEK. 😈😈😈
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NFL we’re good on the non stop commercials. I don’t have Target or State Farm in my fantasy league. Show football.
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In summation. Over rated team. We won the north. Congrats to the Giants. Well played. Classic shit loss. My best to all the teams going forward. Packers, even though I hate you, please laugh. That was garbage. Cheers, everyone. I picked the wrong day to quit smoking.
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Just google'd if butt hole was one word. It's not. Anyway....I'm 40 years old.
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Laugh every day. However stupid the joke. Have a friend that's an idiot. I'm an idiot. Never judge them. Just have a hard laugh every day.
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