Miranda Keeling
@MirandaKeeling
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Author. Actor. Observer of everyday life. Buy my book:
London
Joined April 2012
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Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
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Man 1 walking behind me in Tottenham: Feels end of days.
Man 2: Yes.
Man 1: So I might as well tell you.
Man 2: What?
Man 1: (inhales) That I love you.
Long pause.
Man 1: You don’t feel the same.
Man 2: Of course I do you silly sausage I’m just trying not to cry.
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Man on the DLR: Are you prepared for today's meeting?
Woman: No.
Man: It's at 9am.
Woman: I know it's at 9am Dave. And I remain, unprepared.
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Teenager on train: I'm not a feminist.
Mum: Do you want to own things and decide who you sleep with?
Teen: Yeah.
Mum: You're a feminist.
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Woman on a bus (reading from an article): Have you ever discussed your fantasies with your partner?
Her friend: Like the one where I’m in a cottage by the sea completely on my own with a book and a cup of tea?
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Woman 1 in a shop (to a woman who has a new baby in a pram): Hello! How are you?
Woman 2: Ok. Thank you.
Woman 1: Have you lost the baby weight yet?
Woman 2: I'm not going to answer that question and please don't ask it to anyone again.
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I upend my puddle photo and suddenly the reflected William Morris Museum seems to rise like an ethereal place from another world - its pretence of being a building from this dimension cast off into the water below.
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Little girl on the train: Uncle Mallory died.
Her mum: Yes.
Little girl: So he won't feel anything now.
Her mum: No.
Little girl: Which is good because the insects will be eating his eyes.
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Face-painter in town: What would you like?
Little boy: A butterfly.
His Dad: No.
Little boy: Yes!
Dad (to face-painter): Can you make it a masculine one?
Pause.
Face painter to the little boy: Shall we just pretend he didn't say that?
Little boy (smiling): Yes.
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Me (to a little boy beside me in a cafe who is wearing a yellow coat): Nice coat.
Little boy: Thank you. It means when night comes I can hide as a star.
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For many years I have been posting little observations on here. What you may not know is that for many years, artists have been illustrating them - for no reason other than they wanted to respond. Below is a thread of some of these beautiful drawings, because they should be seen:
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I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You'd better check, if it's something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
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Girl (tucking into her veggie option in a cafe in town): These potatoes are amazing. What's your secret?
Cafe owner (proudly): Goose fat.
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Little boy on the train (to me): Want to know what my name is?
Me: Ok.
Little boy: It's Artichoke Marie.
His mum: Kamal!
Little boy: Sshhh!
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Man on his mobile on the train: The reason you don't have the report on your desk Debra, is because I did more interesting things instead.
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For many years I have been posting little observations on here. What you may not know is that for many years, artists have been illustrating them - for no reason other than they wanted to respond. Below is a thread of some of these beautiful drawings, because they should be seen:
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Earlier today I smiled to notice this puddle perfectly placing in reflection a sunlit house into a world below and beyond the grey pavement.
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Drunk man in Hoxton: The thing about women is, they misunderstand shoes. Coz shoes aren't meant to hurt you at all, not even the first time.
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Man on the DLR: Are you prepared for today's meeting?
Woman: No.
Man: It's at 9am.
Woman: I know it's at 9am Dave. And I remain, unprepared.
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Little boy at my front door: I live in the house behind you.
Me: Ah. Hello.
Little boy: Your tree has three apples left I can see from my garden. Can I pick them?
Me: Can you do it safely?
Little boy: Yes.
Me: Then sure. Thank you for asking.
Little boy: Thank you for the apples.
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Woman working in a supermarket: Sir, you need to wait behind the line.
Man: This is all bollocks.
Woman: The government has confused us and let us down.
Man: Yes exactly!
Woman: But you and I can still be sensible. So I need you behind the line.
Pause.
Man (moving back): Fair.
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Woman on the tube: I asked a homeless man if he wanted some change. He said really, he wanted someone to sit with his dog while he had a wash in a cafe. When he came back he’d brought donated sandwiches. The three of us sat and ate them. He was a carpenter he said, before.
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Woman in a cafe with a puppy (to a mum with a baby who is staring at the puppy): Would she like to stroke the dog?
Mum: Yes I think so.
The baby stokes the dog.
Mum: She loves dogs.
Then the baby strokes the woman's boob.
Mum: Sorry! She loves boobs too.
Woman: It's ok. So do I.
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Earlier today I smiled to notice this puddle perfectly placing in reflection a sunlit house into a world below and beyond the grey pavement.
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Woman on the bus: What blusher do you use?
Her friend: Oh, cold air, a brisk walk, alcohol or sometimes the menopause. You?
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A couple share rice-cakes on the bus.
Man: Nice aren't they?
Woman: No Nathan. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop pretending I like them.
Silence.
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Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
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186
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Little boy in the park wearing a shiny grey cape and glittery green shoes: Those boys were laughing at me.
Elderly man nearby: Just be your unique different lovely self son (then to the boy’s dad) Hope it was ok to butt in.
Boy’s dad: Definitely mate (then to his son) He’s right.
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Woman in a cafe: How are you? You seem a bit sad.
Her friend: Oh no thank you. I’m ok. I’ve just finished a really good book, and I miss it.
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Little boy on the bus: Can you get it with your hand?
His mum: No darling.
Little boy: What about a shop?
His mum: No love.
Little boy: Then how can you get a star down from the very sky?
His mum: You can't.
Little boy: I will, you know.
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A little boy on the train reassures his mum that when the nursery called to say he seemed sad it was only because he would've preferred to be at home but it should make her happy because home was meant to be better and now I think everyone on the carriage wants to give him a hug.
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I love the words my 5-year-old uses. The ones that as soon as she realises are 'wrong', will be replaced with the right words instead. I wish she could keep them forever. Like 'duckchairs' for 'deckchairs'.
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My 4-year-old asks a small boy in the park what language he’s speaking.
His dad: Ukrainian. His English isn’t alive yet.
We talk.
Me: How long have you been here?
Dad: 1 month.
Me: Welcome.
Dad: Thank you (long pause) Ukraine is beautiful. When the war is over, you should visit.
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Little boy at my front door: I live in the house behind you.
Me: Ah. Hello.
Little boy: Your tree has three apples left I can see from my garden. Can I pick them?
Me: Can you do it safely?
Little boy: Yes.
Me: Then sure. Thank you for asking.
Little boy: Thank you for the apples.
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Woman on a bus: I'm trying to carry my baby in her pram up the tube stairs and a little girl, maybe about 11-years-old asks if I want help and I'm like, '...Can you?' and she picks up the pram - I say, 'You're a strong young lady' and she smiles, nods at me and says, 'Football'.
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A mum in a cafe hands a tiny, crying baby to her husband.
Mum: I’m going to the loo.
Husband: I don’t know what to do.
Mum: Neither do I. It’s not like mums have some kind of secret training you didn’t get.
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Man in east London: What did you think of the school?
Mum: They get good results.
Man: So you'll go for it?
Woman: No.
Man: Why?
Woman: Because every time my daughter asked a question the headmistress addressed the answer to me. Ada may be only 11 but she deserves to exist.
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Woman on the bus: He's got a funny sofa. A mangetout. No that's not it. A menagerie.
(pause)
Her friend: D'you mean a chaise-long?
Woman: Yes.
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For many years I have been posting little observations on here. What you may not know is that for many years, artists have been illustrating them - for no reason other than they wanted to respond. Below is a thread of some of these beautiful drawings, because they should be seen:
50
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1K
Little girl (to me) on my way home: Excuse me.
Me: Yes?
Little girl: I mean you need to say, 'Excuse me.'
Me: I do?
Little girl: Yes. Because you stepped on my shadow.
Me: Oh! Excuse me.
Little girl: Thank you. It's okay, she's fine.
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As she tries to fall asleep, my 4-year-old asks me to sing her a lullaby. I want to freeze this moment in time - old enough to ask for a lullaby, to know the word, and young enough to want one. I begin to sing. In seconds, she sleeps. I finish the song softly and head downstairs.
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Man on the DLR: Are you prepared for today's meeting?
Woman: No.
Man: It's at 9am.
Woman: I know it's at 9am Dave. And I remain, unprepared.
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Woman calling in to the owner of a shop that is closing: Oh no! You can’t be closing! I love this shop.
Owner: Thank you. Every person who walks past says that, which is very sweet. If only they’d all come in and bought something at any point, perhaps we could have stayed open.
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Man on the DLR: Are you prepared for today's meeting?
Woman: No.
Man: It's at 9am.
Woman: I know it's at 9am Dave. And I remain, unprepared.
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Little boy on the train: Mama?
His mum: Yes?
Little boy: I never see you brush your hair.
Mum: I do a lot of things you don't see.
Pause.
Little boy: Like flying?
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Woman in a cafe looking at the heart drawn in her coffee: Shame to put a lid on.
Barista: It’s okay. We both know it’s there.
Woman: We do.
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Lady on a bus: Who invented meringue? Spending all that time with egg-whites and a fork going 'If I just carry on, something will happen'.
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A couple share rice-cakes on the bus.
Man: Nice aren't they?
Woman: No Nathan. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop pretending I like them.
Silence.
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Man in a cafe: Hi, are you Susan?
Woman: No. (Looks at him) But I wish I was. (long pause)
Man: Shall we...say you are?
Woman: Yes.
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A woman pretends she isn't reading the book of a man beside her on the bus, who pretends he isn't holding it so it's easier for her to do so.
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A little boy in a stripy jumper on the bus: Dad?
His Dad: Yes?
Little Boy (smiling): This is the best life I've ever had.
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Man on his mobile on the bus: Goodnight! (hangs up, then to himself) I love you. (sighs) Oh. You're still there? You love me too? Wow.
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Man on the platform (looking up from his book about mindfulness): Shit. I've missed my train.
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And recently: Art by
@PennyNevilleLee
Me (to a little boy beside me in a cafe who is wearing a yellow coat): Nice coat.
Little boy: Thank you. It means when night comes I can hide as a star.
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A lady pretends she isn't reading the book of a man beside her on the bus, who pretends he isn't holding it so it's easier for her to do so.
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Woman on a bus: Last night my husband said 'You've got glitter in your hair.' I said 'No, I'm just going grey.' He said 'Well, it's lovely.'
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A little girl stands on the street in Tottenham. She wears an orange jumper, black tutu, silver shoes and a determined expression. She ignores shouts from her mum to, 'Stop being silly and come back in the house it's only spinach.'
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A man on the train drops his phone, bends to pick it up, spills his coffee, stands up, hits his head against the hand of a woman holding on to the rail, apologises and looks like he’s about to cry. She says, ‘Don’t worry, you are all of us’ and he laughs and says, ‘Thank you’.
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Mum on the school run: Is it ok if my little boy says hello to your dog?
Woman with dog: He’s very excitable and very wet.
Little boy: It’s ok. So am I.
3
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885
A little girl in Hackney wearing a yellow and white stripy dress shouts, 'Pocket, pocket, pocket, pocket, pocket, pocket!' to her bemused Dad, who clearly doesn't understand the utter joy of suddenly discovering your favourite dress has pockets.
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Man in a cafe to a woman with a baby: You shouldn’t bring your baby in here (he points to the pastries) look at all those flour particles.
(he leaves)
Me: I thought I’d heard all of the comments that people make to parents.
Woman: Turns out there was one more.
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A little boy in a stripy jumper on the bus: Dad?
His Dad: Yes?
Little Boy (smiling): This is the best life I've ever had.
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Art by
@SimonHeath1
A little boy on the tube is so worried about his soft-toy lion falling on the floor that he is saying to him 'Hold on tight Sycamore Jones!'
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A man on the train drops his phone, bends to pick it up and spills his coffee, stands up, hits his head against the hand of a woman holding on to the rail, apologises, looks like he’s about to cry and she says, ‘Don’t worry, you are all of us’ and he laughs and says, ‘Thank you’.
10
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816
Little boy in the park (to me): I found something so beautiful.
Me: You did? What is it?
Little boy: A leaf. Don't forget to see them.
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813
On my way home I find myself briefly behind a woman with the same hair, way of dressing, shape and even walk of someone I loved hugely who died a long time ago. She crosses the street and I wish we were going the same way to give me more time in a world where I have not lost her.
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Little girl (making her mum walk around a leaf on the ground): It's just fallen. It's exhausted. Give it time to think about it all.
4
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784
Woman in a cafe with a puppy (to a mum with a baby who is staring at the puppy): Would she like to stroke the dog?
Mum: Yes I think so.
The baby stokes the dog.
Mum: She loves dogs.
Then the baby strokes the woman's boob.
Mum: Sorry! She loves boobs too.
Woman: It's ok. So do I.
5
40
765
A little girl in Hackney wearing a yellow and white stripy dress shouts, 'Pocket, pocket, pocket, pocket, pocket, pocket!' to her bemused Dad, who clearly doesn't understand the utter joy of suddenly discovering your favourite dress has pockets.
12
22
761
Woman on a bus (about her baby): He puts his fingers in his eyes and cries because he doesn't know they're his fingers and he could stop.
Elderly man nearby: Humanity in a nutshell.
10
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748
Earlier today, I came across this strangely wonderful, spilled-milk fox upon the pavement, and so I thought I would share it with you.
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A woman on the tube with pink hair and a purple velvet coat decides to tell me that she is 73 and that being retired means she can dye her hair pink and spend her days watching documentaries at the cinema and admiring the city lights at night. I enjoy talking to her very much.
19
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Woman in a cafe: Are you making me a hat?
Knitting woman: No. I don't know you.
Woman: I'm Alice. Can I have a hat?
Knitting woman: No.
20
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721
A couple share rice-cakes on the bus.
Man: Nice aren't they?
Woman: No Nathan. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop pretending I like them.
Silence.
25
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719
Builder 1 (outside a site): How's your day going?
Builder 2: Dragging. Always does when Tyrone ain't here.
Builder 2: Totally. Tyrone makes everything better.
Builder 1: Living legend.
A respectful pause.
Builder 1: They're not letting dogs onsite anymore though.
Builder 2: No.
11
63
719
Man on the tube reading the paper and shaking his head: Immigrants.
Young man beside him: Oh my God Dad, you're from India!
Man: They don't mean me.
Young man: They do dad. They do.
8
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703
Woman looking at her phone in the park: OH MY GOD! Noooo!!!!!
Her friend: Are you ok?
Woman: I finally pressed send on that job application and instead of ‘Warm regards’, I wrote, ‘Warm vaginas’.
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719
Upended, this puddle-photo I took in London earlier today makes sky into water and buildings glimpsed below this world we all know as our own.
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709
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She's two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What's her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name's Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
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708
My elderly uncle (who's in sheltered accommodation): We lost a resident today.
Me: I'm sorry.
Him: The minibus drove off and left her behind in Tesco's.
10
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703
A group of builders recognises another group of builders on the Victoria Line. They shout hello. As the second group notices the first - all of them stand up and applaud, then sit back down again. One sees my confusion. He says, ‘We are from Ukraine. We send each other strength.’
3
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701
Teenager at a bus-stop: It hard isn’t it?
His mum: Hard?
Teenager: To be a person.
His mum: Oh my love, yes it can be hard. I hear you. I’m here.
5
16
696
Man in a shop: Why are these headphones £65?
Till guy: 'Coz they're completely overpriced.
Man leaves.
Till guy (to me): It's my last day.
10
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688
A man gives a homeless woman some change.
Woman: Thank you.
Guy walking by: She’ll only spend it on drugs.
Man: I’ve chosen to give her money. It’s up to her what she does with it.
Later I see the same homeless woman in a shop. She’s buying a Mars bar and some food for her dog.
10
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693
Tipsy woman on the bus to me just now: Can I tell you something?
Me: Ok.
Woman: I saw a notebook in a shop today. The cover said, 'She thought she could and so she did'. I bought it and knowing it's in my bag is making me smile.
Me: That's lovely.
Her: Yes.
10
34
691
And most recently: Art by
@PennyNevilleLee
:)
Me (to a little boy beside me in a cafe who is wearing a yellow coat): Nice coat.
Little boy: Thank you. It means when night comes I can hide as a star.
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4K
10
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689
My friend in a text: I'd answer the phone to you Miranda but I'm on a train and someone might tweet what I say.
5
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642
Woman on the tube: So I said to him, 'I've got my friends and my family to focus on and not enough time for them, so if you're going to be an unsupportive little tit then I'm going to find someone who treats me well instead.'
14
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682
We had to cut Neil Gaiman’s quote about my new book to fit in on the cover. It is so beautifully written in its entirety that I thought you should see it.
To order:
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A man in a cafe makes a joke about a woman’s age. She doesn’t laugh. He says, ‘Oh I hit a nerve, better not talk about a woman’s age.’ She says, ‘Oh no darling I’m happy with my age, I think best you don’t talk at all.’
8
32
677
Man in Tottenham: I see, you’ve got headphones in.
Woman (taking out her headphones): Sorry?
Man: I see you‘ve got headphones in. That’s why you didn’t stop when I said hello.
Woman: Oh. Ha! No. I just didn’t want to talk to you.
6
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675
Man on the DLR: Are you prepared for today's meeting?
Woman: No.
Man: It's at 9am.
Woman: I know it's at 9am Dave. And I remain, unprepared.
8
65
675
Tube announcer: Please be careful walking in this station because of floors.
(long pause)
Oh! Sorry, forgot to say 'which may be slippery'.
5
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Little girl on a scooter in Holloway waiting for her mum to take a photo of a dandelion: Mummy! Stop picturing everything. We are here, this is now.
11
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665
Man in a cafe: Hi, are you Susan?
Woman: No. (Looks at him) But I wish I was.
(long pause)
Man: Shall we...say you are?
Woman: Yes.
21
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680
Woman on the bus: What blusher do you use?
Her friend: Oh, cold air, a brisk walk, alcohol or sometimes the menopause. You?
5
38
665
I take my puddle photo and up-end it, painting the sky with fallen leaves.
17
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White-haired man being pushed through town in a wheelchair, as he exchanges a smile with a baby being pushed in a pram (addressed to the baby): This is the life, eh?
2
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