The Sassiest Semite
@LittleMissLizz
Followers
47,217
Following
5,629
Media
6,298
Statuses
97,113
Tourette’s makes me twitchy. Mom made me sassy. Hebrew school gave me anxiety. Drummer. Pixie. Hockey fan. Muppet devotee. Punk rock Amélie. she/her
Washington, DC/FernGully
Joined March 2013
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علي الحدود
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Rest in Peace
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ابها
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Pinned Tweet
Men: Nerdy girls are so hot.
Me: Did you know the reason they don’t allow droids in the Mos Eisley Cantina is because droids don’t drink so it wastes useful customer space?
Men: ...yeah, not like that.
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I hope Travis Kelce & Taylor Swift have a lovely day. They seem like really nice people & also, in general, I simply support anything that irritates miserable people.
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I need something more than coffee but less than Cocaine.
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The sluttiest thing a man can do is walk 500 miles & then immediately proceed to walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
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@crocfanpage
Someone tweeted “they made Mr. Frizzle sexy!” uhhhh no my dudes, Ms. Frizzle was always sexy. Science, the attitude and the wink? Come on 💘
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You’re being murdered. You look the killer in the eye & your last words are the last text you sent:
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Because I’m a Jew and when we get put in a basket and placed in a river it tends to end up with us having a whole lot of extra responsibilities.
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@realDonaldTrump
My dude, you cannot even functionally operate an umbrella. Sit this one out.
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This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. We can all quit Twitter now.
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Dolly Parton gave $1 million of her own money to Vanderbilt Medical Center for Covid research. The Moderna vaccine was made possible in no small part by researchers at Vanderbilt. She can wear whatever the hell she wants, whenever the hell she wants & you can thank her for it.
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@IGD_News
Somehow I don’t feel like snap chatting videos of yourself in bed at a Holiday Inn with someone who looks like they share your chromosomes screams “genetic superiority.” But what do I know?
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It’s not really Wednesday. It’s just three stupid little Mondays in a trench coat.
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I used the word “lilliputian” today and a guy at least 15 years older than me laughed and said “So now we’re just making up words?” and I muttered, “No we are not, Gulliver” & he still looked at me like I was the idiot in the scenario.
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Deleted earlier because several of you had opinions on my thighs. Reposting because I cannot stress this enough: eat shit.
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@cov_Gretchen
What was the goal here? You weren’t asking a real question, you knew you wouldn’t get a real answer. You tried to embarrass someone you don’t know, who was hurting no one, for retweets. They’re not a “what”, they’re a “who”. And you’re a nasty person.
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@violinisbae
I👏🏼 can👏🏼be👏🏼a👏🏼Jew👏🏼and👏🏼tell👏🏼you👏🏼to👏🏼stop👏🏼being👏🏼a👏🏼shitty👏🏼garbage👏🏼person.👏🏼
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REMINDER: When a celebrity dies there‘s always one asshole who wants to make you feel bad for having the emotional intelligence to attach feelings to a memory. Your feelings are always valid. You can mourn a loss & miss someone you never knew. Forget anyone who says otherwise.
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I don’t have guilty pleasures because I don’t assign guilt to pleasure.
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I lost $11 tonight. It fell out of my bag. To me, that sucks. I work really hard. 3 jobs. I don’t waste. Retraced my footsteps 3x, nothing. Went back to the store & asked if they saw it. The lady laughed & said, “It’s just $11...”
I definitely felt embarrassed, but not for me.
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@GilletteVenus
Crazy how so many of you in this thread are her doctor! She has a right to exist in her body at any goddamn stage and she shouldn’t have to hide it until you’re comfortable with it. Unbelievable the level of cruelty in this thread.
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@johnyelizar
Anti-depressants saved my life as a teenager. Not because I didn’t try w/out them, but because I understand science & the fact that my brain wasn’t producing the chemicals it needed to on its own. Go breathe in your flowers & sunshine & fuck the most off w/ this dangerous trope.
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@Missus_Massacre
Why are you privately photographing other people’s children and putting them online?
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Everyone has at one point in their lives been attracted to a cartoon. NONE OF YOU ARE ABOVE THIS.
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@Rninety6
You can’t shame women for their bodies AND then for working out. Pick one. Also, unequivocally, fuck you.
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It’s not too late to abandon Harry Potter forever for The Discworld Series, my friends. Come over to our nerdy, little corner. There are 41 of these suckers & Terry Pratchett actually understood what it meant to treat people like humans. Have fun & know you are loved.
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No big deal, but this picture of Karen Gillan dressed as Annie Lennox for an interview has altered the fabric of my entire life.
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@ashalostinhell
Oh good, this shitty meme again. So again I will reiterate, women are not hospitals for broken men. It is not our job to fix men. The right woman takes a man who’s working on himself and lifts him up with support while he does so. She doesn’t do it for him.
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I did not have woke Massachusetts townies on my 2020 Bingo card. Well played, gentleman. Also, these dudes will kiiiiick your racist ass.
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Posted by my friend's sister, who spent all day at Dulles airport yesterday. Please share this. This is unforgivable.
#nomuslimban
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I think it’s telling how many women are saying the Jonah Hill discourse is triggering memories for them & how many men refuse to see a commonality there & instead are supporting him. If all the women around you are telling you the same thing, maybe you should shut up & listen?
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@angel28kc
I’m convinced you’re a troll so I’m not going to explain to you how addiction works, or how sexuality & mental illness work. What I am going to do is tell you to go fuck yourself for creating an account just to spread hatred & lies for likes.
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I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
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Twitter loves this GIF so damn much but that’s not even enough saliva to properly attach a stamp. I need you all to want more for yourselves.
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I got distracted & have decided to become Tank Girl.
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@benshapiro
I’m pretty sure both my grandfathers, who took bullets for this country, would have zero problems with me “whining” about fascists using social media as a platform to call me a kike repeatedly. I’m sure they’d have a bigger problem with another Jew acting like it’s okay.
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My ass just made a man walk into a glass door. I feel so powerful.
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She was rare, like finding someone with situational awareness in a Costco.
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You’re really gonna try to ban a poster cause it’s scary but give kids bulletproof backpacks so they don’t get slaughtered at school?
Parents want posters for IT: Chapter Two banned because they're giving their children nightmares.
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@Am_Blujay
Funny, I believe the guy who threatened to burn my house down on Facebook when I broke up with him might feel differently. Or the guy who hacked my social media & email when I declined a date. Or the guy who used to follow me home in college after night shifts. Or the guy who...
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A stranger DMed me to ask if I was horny & I sent them back three pages of an essay I found online about the history of the belief that Jews have horns & suffice it to say, I shan’t be hearing from him again.
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Do not trust anyone who describes high school as "the best years of my life".
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@taslimanasreen
I have Tourettes & was born partially blind. I’m still pretty fucking jazzed my parents had me.
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@AJA_Cortes
Well I for one am absolutely shattered that my dream of having a man who looks like he uses his own tears as lubricant love me will never come to fruition. This is truly a dark day.
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One of the 5x a year when I’m not in combat boots.
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Once during a breakup in my twenties the guy cited one of the reasons being that I “talk about barbecue too much” & I just really hope whomever he is with now enjoys living flavorlessly.
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Tell me a song that makes you cry no matter when or where you hear it. I’ll start:
“Operator (That’s Not The Way It Feels)”, Jim Croce
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I deleted this off Twitter earlier in the week because I got self-conscious & I’ve had some nasty trolls lately. But frankly? I’m about to be 35, almost 2x as old as I was supposed to ever be, so I’m just gonna do my thing while gravity still kinda agrees. Celebrate you🖤
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@laalex2
There are women w/out breasts & ovaries. Women who are unable to have children. Women who don’t menstruate. They’re still women. They still have a purpose. And if you truly believed in “god’s will”, you’d also believe god created them as such & they are just as significant.
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Girl Scouts can sniff out insecurity. You gotta go into that grocery store thinking you are the ultimate shit & make ZERO eye contact with them. Girl Scouts fear nothing. They are an apex predator.
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More than 50 women came forward with credible, substantiated accusations against Bill Cosby. Once again, the system shows women we cannot depend on anyone to protect us but ourselves. I feel like my god damn head is going to explode.
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@chrissyteigen
This was an opinion Katie should have written on a piece of of paper & shoved so far up her ass that she could taste her own bullshit on her lizard like fingertips.
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Heather Heyer was murdered in broad daylight & your father’s response was that there are “good people on both sides.”
The media’s near total silence about the physical violence being perpetrated against conservatives is shameful & dangerous.
Just image the outrage and indignation if this went the other way.
Violence is never the answer and instigators must be condemned and prosecuted.
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Republicans will be defending 23 seats in 2020. We only need to take 4. For the love of god, register to fucking vote.
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Ron Perlman is 70 years old, 6’1 & built like a brick shithouse. Ted Cruz is built like the McRib.
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Please stop dating/marrying people who don’t celebrate the things from which you derive passion. They don’t have to understand it but they need to like seeing how excited it makes you, ipso facto, exciting them. If they minimize your joy, they’re not the one.
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Today a drunk guy told me I look like “the kind of woman who would ruin a man’s life” & sir, I haven’t had the energy for that since I was 22.
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Let me be clear. If I see you wearing a yellow star because you think wearing a mask is akin to 6 million of my ancestors being slaughtered, I will rip the star off your shirt & I will happily take that charge. Catch me grinning in the mugshot. Watch how young Jews react to this.
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My favorite unit of measurement is “as fuck”. It covers a lot.
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So. I got a job. A good one. Better than the last in every measurable way & in a brand new industry. After 11 years, I’m no longer “Lizz in HR.” I am 5’8 & a buck twenty soaking wet of fiery hot Imposter Syndrome but I’m doing the damn thing regardless. Day one; complete.
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@AsteadWesley
This isn’t a valuing freedom issue, it’s an issue of being hideously selfish and putting other people’s lives at risk because you don’t want to be inconvenienced.
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There’s actually no such thing as a ‘silly’ goose. They come into this world with a bloodlust.
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I’m tired of strangers being shitty to strangers. Post below & I will tell you one thing I like about you. We don’t have to know eachother. I‘ll find something.
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I cannot stress this enough. Ladies. Stop wasting your best boob years on assholes.
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Noise canceling headphones, but for your own thoughts
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Imagine having a crush on someone and then finding out they eat well done steak.
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@ksorbs
Total absence of a cursory understanding of feminism notwithstanding, exactly which rights is she being denied?
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I’ve been 37 for 20 minutes and so far have had ice cream twice.
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The whole world is on fire but today I watched my dad, who was on a ventilator 6 years ago, twirl my mother, who beat non-smoker’s lung cancer not three months ago, around & dance with her in a park & that kicked ass.
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@ThomasJTobin1
When your church stops covering up child rape, then & only then do you get to contribute to a conversation on what may or may not be harmful to a child. Good talk.
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Once at an ex’s Christmas dinner I went to hug his very Christian grandma & wish her a Merry Christmas. A kind woman, she took me aside & started crying. I asked what was wrong & she said, “It’s hard knowing you’re going to hell, Lizz. You’re lovely.” I think about that a lot.
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I wore this dress within an inch of its damn life today and I regret nothing.
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@ngozi_chumile
It would have been a whole lot easier to just outright tell the whole internet you’re not good in bed. But I guess you found a roundabout way of doing that anyways...
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“Kyle Rittenhouse fancied himself a paramedic” what the hell does that even mean? You either are one or you aren’t. I fancy myself a most powerful wizard but that actually doesn’t mean shit either.
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I’m so tired of people acting like religion is an excuse to be a bigot. My dad is one of the most religious people I‘ve ever met & he got ordained to perform my sister & sister-in-law’s marriage. You’re not a dick because you’re religious - you’re a dick because you’re a dick.
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Okay so villain arc now though, right? Pretty please?
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If you missed it from the previous tweets…MY MOMMY BEAT LUNG CANCER!!!!!!!
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@BillOReilly
Ok but the United States was founded by racist white men who installed a system whereby white guys would run everything and blacks, women and others would be exploited so...
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Today a man was too close to me so I politely asked him to step back & he got in my face & screamed how he was 68 & “no little bitch will tell me what to do”, so I yelled “STEP THE FUCK BACK BEFORE I KICK YOUR 68 YEAR OLD ASS.” And guess what? A little bitch told him what to do.
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It costs $0.00 to not make women uncomfortable online.
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My best friend texts me the license plate # whenever she goes out w/ a guy. The next day if I haven’t heard anything, I text a code word. We’re in our 30s. If you’re surprised by the stories you’re hearing from women, you haven’t been paying attention. At all.
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My body is not a temple. It is, at best, Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve in 1988.
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