Hi, please take this down. I would prefer you not use a GIF from a show I worked on to promote your pro-slaughter agenda.
Also, Amy isn't on twitter, but she texted me a message: "Can you tweet the NRA for me and tell them I said fuck off?"
Russell Allen has been sentenced to life in prison for possessing 30 grams of marijuana. I can buy 30 grams of marijuana right now, legally, for about $100, and have it delivered to my house.
The choice is not
a) everyone stays home, economy hurt
or
b) everyone goes out again, economy fine
it's
a) everyone stays home, economy hurt
or
b) everyone goes out again, millions die, hospitals collapse, social chaos, economy hurt just as bad if not worse
The best thing about this — and it’s a long list from which to choose — is that this dingdong definitely realized at some point that he can’t flush a razor, so he had to stick his own hand into his own toilet water to fish it out.
He's not a genius. He's not "crazy like a fox." He's not a master strategist. He's a 71 year-old, below-average-intelligent, spoiled, trust fund-supported, born-on-3rd-thought-he-hit-a-triple, sexually harassing asshole in mental decline. Stop looking for what isn't there.
We need a WALL between us and MEXICO, a CATHOLIC-MAJORITY NATION, to respond to an ATTACK *AGAINST* MUSLIMS in EGYPT, a MUSLIM-MAJORITY nation, because I am an IDIOT who understands NOTHING about ANYTHING, ANYWHERE, I am very STUPID, and I'm playing GOLF RIGHT NOW.
Will be calling the President of Egypt in a short while to discuss the tragic terrorist attack, with so much loss of life. We have to get TOUGHER AND SMARTER than ever before, and we will. Need the WALL, need the BAN! God bless the people of Egypt.
The goddamn Postal Service is not supposed to turn a goddamn profit. No goddamn government agency is supposed to turn a goddamn profit. They’re goddamn public services, not goddamn private business. That’s why we pay for them with our goddamn tax dollars. Goddamnit.
Hi,
@tedcruz
is desperate to pick a fight with
@Sethrogen
so everyone talks about that and not the fact that he made a bad-faith attempt to overthrow a fair election in order to cynically grab Trump's base and run for President in 2024. Let's focus on the latter.
My daughter asked me if we could have a wiener dog. I said no. (We have 2 dogs already.) She then defiantly told me that when she is older she is going to have 20 wiener dogs. I asked her what she would name them. She took my phone and wrote this in like 85 seconds.
Guys it's simple. You have to stop in Georgia, keep going in Arizona, stop in Pennsylvania, keep going in Nevada, stop in North Carolina, recount Wisconsin, and ultimately let Brett Kavanaugh weigh in on all of it. That's what the Founders would have wanted.
Warren was always the smartest candidate with the best plans. She would have annihilated Trump in a debate, to the extent that matters. And you will never ever ever ever ever ever convince me that her lack of support was due to anything other than pervasive misogyny.
This:
“I actually really like Sarah. I think she’s very resourceful. She burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smoky eye. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s lies. It’s probably lies.”
is not, in any way, shape or form, a joke about someone's "looks."
Leaving everything else aside — and it’s a lot of “everything else” — I’d argue that going to a high school where kids got shot and then galvanizing a movement that fundamentally alters the previously calcified national discussion about guns makes those kids interesting as fuck.
"You're not interesting because you went to a high school where kids got shot. Why does that mean I have to listen to you?": Louis C.K. faces backlash for Parkland shooting jokes
Goodbye Betsy DeVos. Goodbye Louis DeJoy. Farewell Mark Meadows. Goodbye Rick Perry. Good tidings, Mike Pence. Goodbye William Barr. Goodbye Alex Azar. Goodbye Kellyanne Conway. Adios Kayleigh McEnany. And fuck right off, Stephen Miller, you discount store Nazi wannabe.
Ok. Fair enough. I will take a *front*-handed swipe at conservatives in America. If you weren’t so cravenly googly-eyed about an ancient and functionally irrelevant pro-musket amendment, you could do what New Zealand just did: ban assault rifles and try to save human lives.
If you find yourself using the tragedy in New Zealand to take backhanded swipes at conservatives in America - many of my colleagues already have - then you really have no shame and you are part of the problem.
It should be easy for us to stand united and condemn terrorism.
This man has had 3 vaccine shots and is currently receiving monoclonal antibodies. He is also threatening to sue schools that require masks for children who are too young to be vaccinated and cannot afford monoclonal antibody treatment.
As you may have heard, I have Covid.
Right now I have no symptoms such as fever or aches and pains.
Thanks for the well wishes from around the country.
I will remain engaged every day to govern the great state of Texas.
God bless you all, and God bless Texas.
Don't sleep on the fact that Elon Musk is the richest man in the world, literally he is that, and he looked around at all of the problems he could solve with his money and what he settled on was that "twitter doesn't have an edit button." Just god-tier stupid.
He's never read the Bible. He has no idea what Christians believe. He referred to STDs as "his Vietnam." He sexually harassed at least 17 women. He has ties to organized crime. He has been married 3 times and has cheated on all 3 women. But sure, his faith guides him.
We based that on Sarah Palin running Wasilla into the ground with her failed hockey rink. Your party made her a VP candidate. Thanks for watching the show!
Little known facts about Rep. Wyatt: he was such a s***ty mayor that he bankrupted his city by using taxpayer dollars to build a boondoggle project called Ice Town
This is -- quite literally -- a juror in a trial telling you that he is coordinating with the defense attorney.
That's literally, actually, what this is.
Mitch McConnell: Everything I do during this, I’m coordinating with White House Counsel. There will be no difference between the President’s position and our position as to how to handle this
A "rat" isn't someone who's dishonest and lying. A "rat" is a member of a crime ring who tells the cops the truth, bringing down the other members of the crime ring. Trump calling Cohen a "rat" is Trump (unwittingly) admitting his own guilt. Because he's a stone cold moron.
REPORTER: “I guess I’m wondering, using terms like ‘rat’ and things like that to talk about people who are cooperating witnesses with the FBI –��
SARAH SANDERS: “—for people who are dishonest and lying, I mean, it seems like a pretty appropriate term.”
Ah yes, the inspiring tale of a man born into significant wealth, who married into more wealth, then grew up to orchestrate a massive robbery of poor people to give himself and his friends yet greater wealth. A real "riches to unfathomable riches" story.
Like it or not, big day for
@SpeakerRyan
. The former waiter at Tortilla Coast, located in the shadows of the U.S. Capitol, today oversees passage of a bill he's wanted his entire career.
TRUMP: Bomb the fuck out of them and grab them by the pussy and knock the shit out of them and he's a pussy and it's bullshit and listen you motherfuckers and I did try to fuck her.
TLAIB: We're gonna impeach the motherfucker.
REPUBLICANS: (clutching pearls) Whither civility?!
Hillary Clinton once slightly stumbled while getting into a car in 100-degree heat and FOX News essentially ran on-air obituaries for about three straight weeks.
No one has ever spray-painted the "Anarchy" symbol and "Biden 2020" at the same time.
Trump supporters: stop destroying your own property in an attempt to get on FOX News.
A Twin Cities family believes they were targeted for having a "Trump 2020" sign outside their home. An investigation is underway after police say someone spray painted "Biden 2020" on their garage and burned it down." |
TRUMP: Africa is a shithole
RYAN: Well that's unfortunate
TRUMP: White people are good, black people are garbage
MCCONNELL: Not the words I'd use
TRUMP: I wanna fuck the moon
COTTON: Don't recall him saying that
TRUMP: Girls are just tits and butts
RUBIO: Colossians 3:12
In the end we will have handled this worse than any nation on earth, because our leaders lied to us, said it was under control, said it wasn't a big deal, said we were doing great, privately sold their stocks, told us to *buy* stock, ignored science, ignored experts, lied.
1. States ask for permission to count millions of early ballots as they come in
2. Republicans say no
3. Ballots sit around for days
4. After polls close, ballots start to be counted
5. Republicans scream and point and claim this is suspicious
They told us they'd do this.
REMINDER—Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin election officials were not allowed to begin processing absentee ballots until on or just before Election Day, after Republican-led state legislatures opposed changing laws to allow earlier preparations like other states.
Trump told Canada to fuck off, told France and Germany that Europe sucks, told *everyone* he wants Russia back in the G-8, left early, went to North Korea and shook Kim Jong Un's hand in front of Old Glory and the North Korean flag, and not one goddamn Republican truly cares.
Elon Musk is giving $100 million to anyone who can find a way to pull carbon dioxide directly from the atmosphere or oceans and sequester it durably and sustainably.
Personally, I think $100 million is a bargain.
NEW: VP Pence addresses deadly shooting at Texas high school: "We say to the students, the families, the teachers of Santa Fe high school and all of those affected in the entire community: We're with you."
Wow. Seems like it was really traumatic for him. One way he could have avoided this trauma would've been to not have his mom drive him to another state with a big gun and then walk around and take selfies with a crypto-fascist gang of Proud Boys and then shoot a bunch of people.
As terrible as it is that one in 500 Americans have died of Covid, it’s still much easier to have gone through the pandemic without having a close friend or family member die of it than it would be if the toll were one in 50, says
@DouthatNYT
.
Literally between El Paso and Dayton, the President was at his golf club posing for pictures so he can charge more for events at his own hotels. He doesn’t give a shit about any of us.
I dunno. I guess I just kind of feel like if you rip kids away from their parents and throw them in kennels and lie about it and also blame it on your political opponents and also threaten to do away with the rule of law entirely, you've forfeited your right to a quiet meal.
I guess if you want to get to the heart of this NY Times v. Ronan Farrow beef, you might point out that the Times ran 70000 stories on Hillary's emails and Farrow brought a bunch of powerful serial rapists to justice.
What kind of callous asshole cuts and pastes his cookie cutter condolences for mass shootings, and then forgets to change the name of the town where the latest one took place?
The car and boat caravans for Trump are perfect encapsulations of his tenure. No ideas, no causes, no ethos. Nothing behind the gathering at all. Just "make other people feel uneasy." Make noise and scream and rage and yell and intimidate. 100% pure, uncut, assholery.
TRUMP: Hey black people, what have you got to lose?
TRUMP (3 yrs later) Hey black people, I'm going to host a white supremacist pro-police brutality rally in Tulsa on Juneteenth during a global pandemic I made worse through ignorance and which is disproportionately killing you
We elected one of the very worst living human beings to be President, and it's exhausting. Each and every day, it's an exhausting slog, just to exist in a world where that's true.
There were zero murders and two robberies in Moundsville, WV last year. When people say "defund the police," they mean "I bet Moundsville's schools need some new books, and maybe our money could be better spent on those."
This is amazing. Tik Tok users and K-pop stans were the ones who made
@parscale
think they had a million ticket requests. God this is so hilarious. The kids might save us after all.
I love America. I love freedom. And that is why I'm going to reject the oppression and tyranny of my governor, leave my home, go to a crowded Buffalo Wild Wings, and inject Clorox into my eyeballs while my friend Doug shines a flashlight into my butthole to kill the virus.
If you're not willing to kill the senate filibuster to properly investigate an armed insurrection against the U.S. Capitol and secure the basic right to vote in elections, you are favoring the made-up procedural rules of a democracy over the actual fucking democracy itself.
When we were making Parks and Recreation we shot scenes with the Colts. We were told we had maybe an hour with the players. Then Andrew Luck showed up, and he was an absolute delight. Warm, funny, generous. He threw TD passes to anyone who wanted one, just to make us happy. 1/
Imagine if an NFL team were up 17-14 midway through the third quarter, then claimed the game was over, and when the other team scored a touchdown the first team started crying and saying they were cheating and said the league was corrupt with no evidence and undermined democracy.
Imagine if NFL team was trailing 24-22 but in final seconds hits a 3 pt kick to win. Then AFTER game lawyers for losing team get a judge to order rules changed so that last second field goals are only 1 point
Well that’s how democrat lawyers plan to steal
#Florida
election 1/4
We cannot have bars and restaurants and sports and concerts back until everyone stops their fucking whining and wears masks every day for like 2 straight months. You can keep delaying those 2 months with your fake Liberty and Freedom arguments all you want. But it has to happen.
The "it's a comedian's job to say whatever we want" crew sometimes seems to forget that it's the audience's job to tell the comedian when what they have said sucks
You
are
not
allowed
to
claim
something
is
a
"personal
choice"
if
it
affects
literally
everyone
else
you
come
into
contact
with.
A
"personal
choice"
is
what
movie
to
watch,
or
what
color
pants
to
wear.
Doing
something
that
endangers
the
lives
of
others
is
an
"everyone
choice."
Congratulations to Doug Jones on a hard fought victory. The write-in votes played a very big factor, but a win is a win. The people of Alabama are great, and the Republicans will have another shot at this seat in a very short period of time. It never ends!
Trump is a serial adulterer, has 5 kids from 3 wives, cheats, lies, steals, traffics with the mob, can't quote a single Bible verse, said he never asks for forgiveness...and Evangelical Christians love him.
The bare minimum — the absolute bottom-level for the bar we set as a society — must be: if you try to launch a coup and overturn a Presidential election, you are no longer allowed on game shows.
More Rodgers: "I go back to these two questions for the woke mob. If the vaccine is so great, how come people are still getting Covid and spreading Covid and unfortunately dying from Covid? If the vax is safe, how come the manufacturers of the vaccine have full immunity?"
Missing 27 3s in a row is almost inconceivable. It's almost like some kind of *force* was at work...some malevolent incompetence...a person or thing who always makes the most exactly-wrong decision possible, at every moment...
Take a bunch of vaccines, put 'em in a white box, call it Xanthomythryfryocin, label it as a cure for leopard diarrhea, tell Tucker Carlson the government doesn't want him to know about it, this pandemic is over in a month
I'm not just some lemming. I'm a critical thinker. I do my own research. So when the former host of Fear Factor tells me to eat some paste that treats bacterial infections in horses, well yeah, I'm gonna take that seriously.
Michael Cohen is a convicted felon who has consistently engaged in deceptive and misleading criminal behavior including tax evasion, lying to financial institutions, and lying to Congress.
For example ⬇️
I will be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center today at 6:30 P.M. Feeling really good! Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs & knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!
He’s so fucking stupid he doesn’t even know that HIS OWN SIDE uses that term DERISIVELY to drum up phony class warfare. He thinks democrats are calling themselves “elite” AS A BRAG.
He is the dumbest person in America.
A Trump quote for the ages: “You ever notice they always call the other side 'the elite.' The elite! Why are they elite? I have a much better apartment than they do. I’m smarter than they are. I’m richer than they are. I became president and they didn’t.”
Imagine if team of baseball was winning 4 points to 5, but right before halftime, thrower man threw for a 2-pointer! “Foul!” shouts the man, and the manager disputes it. Then AFTER that, no one can find the ball? The point is, votes shouldn’t be counted in an election.
Imagine if NFL team was trailing 24-22 but in final seconds hits a 3 pt kick to win. Then AFTER game lawyers for losing team get a judge to order rules changed so that last second field goals are only 1 point
Well that’s how democrat lawyers plan to steal
#Florida
election 1/4
This is going to go down in history as one of the worst and cruelest state-sponsored things America has ever done. Sessions and Trump and every complicit Senator and congressperson will live in shame.
Do we want to live in a country where it might get slightly harder for a theoretical 19 year old to kill a deer just because thousands of children don’t want to be slaughtered at their schools?! Are we *monsters?!*
He’s racist, yes. He’s xenophobic and hates women and is corrupt, yes. But sometimes what gets me the most is the stupidity. He’s so deeply stupid, and it’s embarrassing to be part of a country so easily conned by someone this stupid.
Trump: Katie, she tested very good for a long period of time and then all of the sudden today she tested positive... This is why the whole concept of tests aren’t necessarily great
Who's someone they could give the Jeopardy hosting gig to that would make you watch every episode, every day, never missing a single second? I'll start:
Dr. Drew is suing on "copywrite" grounds to remove this video of him being dead wrong about Covid-19 over and over and over, in his trademark condescending tone. It would be a shame if he ended up Streisand'ing himself and the video were seen by 10x more people.
I'm sorry, I can't let this go. It is not an "existential question." It's a legal question, and it has one answer: yes of fucking course you have to comply with congressional subpoenas, because otherwise, what's the fucking point of a congressional subpoena?
Hope Hicks, one of the best-known but least visible former members of President Trump’s White House staff, is facing an existential question: whether to comply with a congressional subpoena
McConnell stole a SCOTUS seat, and now SCOTUS is gutting antitrust law, banning immigration based on religion, and upholding gerrymandered districts that help the GOP. But tell me more about how we should be civil.