Josie Long manifesting the baby sleeping through
@JosieLong
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I’m a very good comedian. I co-founded @artsemergency . I like being outdoors, I love my family. I have adhd. Buy my book of short stories.
Glasgow
Joined January 2009
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Tuition fees are a rip off, not arts and humanities degrees, you pathetic philistines.
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vote green to keep the tories out xx
🚨 NEW:
@ElectCalculus
predicts the Greens will GAIN Bristol Central from Thangam Debbonaire (LAB).
🟩 GRN 40% (+14)
🟥 LAB 39% (-21)
🟦 CON 7% (-6)
🟧 LD 6% (+6)
🟪 REF 6% (+5)
Green GAIN from Labour (18% swing to Green)
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SHE WAS THE STRONGEST LINK!!!!
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oh get FUCKED. THIS AGAIN?!?!
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It is actually weird and bad that we have statues and paintings of maniacs everywhere and it would be good to destroy and replace them tbh
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my two year old just said "Douglas Murray is a fucking cunt." and everyone applauded.
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The problem with the “Tory and a centrist” jovial podcast format was not that it was men making them.
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i actively loathe everything this cunt stands for
Suella Braverman, "We have towns and cities around the United Kingdom where multiculturalism has failed"
"Where communities are living parallel lives"
"Where people come here and they don't speak the language"
"Where they come here and they don't want to take part in British…
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I am still proud of every MP who voted for a ceasefire tonight. Thank you to all of them for taking a stand.
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You forgot "Big influence on Anders Breivik"
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Having the portrait isn’t there to teach us about history, it is commemorating and celebrating someone who should not be. What do portraits and statues do but confer status? This argument is beyond spurious.
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my top tip is: if I didn't give you my email address, but i did write it down for the person infront of you at the book signing who runs a charity, and you managed to see it and memorise it, don't then email me?
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If young people are being saddled with debt from uni and that is bad, then the solution is to END TUITION FEES not to further treat education as an individual financial transaction.
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People hate starmer for good reason though.
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I have been thinking about children of men so often recently, for a few years it felt like a true-ish grim joke to say “we are in children of men” but now it just feels like we are on a course there and I realise that the joking was really about wanting it not to happen.
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This sentient fucking ham
Only yesterday Starmer said he was 'unwavering' in his support for 'desperately needed' £28 billion a year green investment
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it is obviously not provocative or contentious to describe the situation in gaza as collective punishment
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I have two things I want to say right now:
1. Please don’t kid yourself that Labour will somehow magically be more left wing once they come to power.
2. They should make lemsip in cans.
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IT IS MADNESS TO CLOSE TRAIN TICKET OFFICES. IT IS MADNESS TO MAKE TRAIN TRAVEL LESS ACCESSIBLE.
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Thinking of the people of Gaza every single day. My heart is with them every day.
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So anyone in any way connected to arts funding who is "political" or "controversial", even in a personal capacity, can mean funding is revoked?! THIS IS BEYOND FUCKED UP. People should be seriously worried by this authoritarianism.
@ace_national
(2/5) ACE says, "Reputational risk can be generated not just by the organisation" but also by "staff and other individuals associated with the organisation acting in a personal capacity."
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I hate so much how americans try to force us to use the date like month/day/year. it's so bad and stupid. I bet the CIA invented it to break everyone's spirits.
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I’m feeling invincible because tonight a very drunk man was heckling me and I improvised a good put down about countdown and maybe I should have been a tough guy club comic?!
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genuinely shocking and frightening. the culmination of twenty years plus of unabashed islamophobia.
This is insane. Gove proposes to proscribe The Muslim Council of Britain, Palestine Action, and Muslim Engagement and Development
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Rishi Sunak is boiling my piss like he is going to boil the fucking planet
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i hate them, i hate cultists who simp for them on the grounds of "no maybe they'll magically do something good if we just ignore everything they are saying! we're the grown ups!" yugghhhhh how do we not lose our minds.
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Love to my trans friends and family and so much love to you if you’re a young trans person feeling worried!
For trans people and allies newish to this who might be feeling stressed seeing transphobes celebrating the Cass Review as the end of trans people:
They celebrate everything like that. They celebrated the Allison Bailey losing her court case as the end of trans rights. They...
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Sorry in advance if my dark comedy is too edgy for you guys.
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is it 2010? how are they saying the exact same line? do they think people won't notice?
Labour's Darren Jones states that his party is committed to austerity as the Tories 'have spent all the money and maxed out the country's credit card'
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We can’t sit by while this is happening, it is unbearable.
"This is the fastest decline in a population's nutrition status ever recorded. That means children are being starved at the fastest rate the world has ever seen."
@melanie_ward
speaks with
@IsaCNN
about the catastrophic levels of hunger that Israel's blockade is causing in Gaza
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It's actually annoying that rishi sunak is coming out for maths and chess which are both great, because he is also a cunt.
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taught my children "beans beans they're good for your heart the more you eat the more you fart" and it's been worth all the difficulty of having kids
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Sweet Glasgow friends, I'm putting on a silly comedy show on 5th december at the rum shack, and all of the profits are going to
@MedicalAidPal
. We have great comedians
@macarthurboyd
and Krystal Evans and LIam Withnail and Conor O Toole and more. Tickets:
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Nice that the level of awful contrarian anti woke nonsense has become "defund the arts and humanities research council!". These people want to pretend to have some kind of classical education but they are philistines.
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THE BEST OF KENT! ❤️
Today Margate residents stopped the Home Office from taking 22 asylum seekers from a local “contingency accommodation” to the Bibby Stockholm barge. Incredible “unity in community” indeed ❤️
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This is absolutely scandalous, it is beyond fucked up.
APNews: Arts Council England (
@ace_national
) has updated its policies, warning that "political statements" made by individuals linked to an organisation can cause "reputational risk", breaching funding agreements (1/5)
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Just seen
@Youngfathers
at the barrowlands and it was like a religious experience, so fucking incredible. I kept thinking this is performers at the very top of their game, in their PRIME! So good to dance so hard at a show that never relented.
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Shoutout to the newsreader on bbc 6 just then who accidentally called the IEA a far right think tank I love to hear it
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Hospitals under siege and babies' incubators turned off. I cannot bear it.
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I managed to limit the swearing to one occasion, which if you know me you will appreciate was the real achievement today!
The peerless
@JosieLong
got her honorary Doctor of Arts at the University of Kent this morning, and gave such a brilliantly funny and inspiring speech. Which included dropping an F-bomb in Canterbury cathedral!
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Reading about the super rich really does make you hate the super rich.
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The replies to this are so disgusting, what a state the uk is in. If anyone has any spare waterproofs, they are desperately needed:
Conditions in Calais are now as bad as any we've seen for a long time.
Strong winds are battering tents and shelters every night. Endless heavy rain turns the places refugees sleep into treacherous bogland. Everyone is cold, and soaked to the bone.
We’re desperate for…
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The inhumanity of the Bibby Stockholm and the discourse around it is really making me sick.
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every time i see rishi sunak and his wife i think they could easily both give me a million pounds and they wouldn't even miss it.
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I wish this was real:
5 days left until the taskmaster final, this would be my dream S17 cast:
DAVID O’DOHERTY
JOSIE LONG
ROB DELANEY
SINDHU VEE
TOM DAVIS
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Like yes, students are being ripped off. By our horrendous new system of private debt for what is a public good, not by studying subjects that idiot conservatives don’t understand.
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An adult wrote and recorded the song Yummy Yummy Yummy I’ve Got Love In My Tummy.
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Twenty years of this fey indie stuff, gonna get on the coke and buy a suit.
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Protest in glasgow tonight to support trans youth!
EMERGENCY PROTEST: Thursday 18 April
Oppose the ban on blockers and hormones for trans youth in Scotland!
6:30pm: George Square, Glasgow
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Started blocking people in advance now on the grounds of "seeming stressful"
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I haven’t spent a day in bed ill for such a long time, and I’ve forgotten how the ill part really gets in the way of the day in bed part.
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My book is out in paperback today!!
BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN AND WHAT YOU DON’T is the frank and offbeat debut short story collection from award-winning comedian and broadcaster
@JosieLong
. Each tale paints a life in miniature, offering an escape chute from the mayhem of modern life.
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This album is so so good.
Grace Petrie (
@gracepetrie
) on track to earn her highest-charting LP to date with
#BuildSomethingBetter
this week 🪚🔨🔧
Here's your all-new Albums Chart Update:
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Super November, 2018
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That wear sunscreen 90s song guy was trying to warn millennials and we didn’t listen
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I LOVE THIS! If you don't yet know about
@ArtsEmergency
, please have a look and think about supporting us...
Peter Capaldi in the Observer yday! He sponsors a place on
@artsemergency
’s mentoring project annually, so does wonderful
@juliehes
also quoted❤️ Read this piece then join AE to elevate, encourage and empower a new generation of working class artists, writers and thinkers🚨
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Everyone is using the word Coded too much.
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I doubt I’m articulating this very well. It’s like jokes about climate change- five, ten years ago you’d joke and the underlying shared feeling was “we believe it’s real and we want it to stop” but now those jokes don’t work because they haven’t stopped it.
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I’m the sickos picture but for people being rude about private schools. Yes….yes!
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I’m doing two WIPs at the stand in glasgow this coming week. The very first ever for a new show. Exciting and terrifying.
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This dystopian shit
What a story from
@xanderescribe
- On the shores of Loch Tay, locals are raising the alarm over plans to turn a castle and 8000 acres of land into a high-security private compound for the mega-rich.
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I enjoyed this podcast episode, it's upsetting to think about how much worse inequality has got in the uk, and it makes me feel so much less alone to hear someone so clearly and passionately articulate how it needs to end
Gary Stevenson went from being Citibank’s most profitable trader to one of the world’s most incisive critics of the financial system.
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I WILL TWEET EVERY TIME THEY PLAY ON A RAGGA TIP ON SIX MUSIC I LOVE IT
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Every time I come through to edinburgh I get the same nice feeling that I now live so close to it. It used to be such a long journey to get here and I love that I can go through just on the off chance now.
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It feels so often that the government in the UK is the opposite of common sense, the opposite of sustainability, the opposite of fairness.
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new capybara/orca just dropped:
Come along with me on my carnage (I mean course) check this morning. What should be one of the most beautiful golf courses in the country is being destroyed by herds of javelina. If anyone has a contact in AZ state govt that can help us find a solution please pass it along.
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This is not simply a "humanitarian crisis" as kier starmer says. this is being perpetrated by a government who said themselves that they were going for damage over accuracy. he should be demanding a ceasefire now.
🚨
#Gaza
update:
🔴9,257
#Palestinians
killed, including 3,826 children. 23,516 people injured
🔴2,100 reports of missing people, including 1,200 children still under the rubble
🔴16 hospitals and 32 primary care centres out of service due to damage or lack of fuel
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thanks to everyone who performed and who came out tonight, i think we raised about 1200 for
@MedicalAidPal
in ticket sales and people doing direct donations in exchange for merch! If you'd like to come to the next one on 18th Jan, the link is here...
This gig would also make a great christmas present!
Confirmed for the bill so far:
@JonnyBaptists
,
@EleanorMorton
,
@JamesNokise
, Chris Thorburn, Conor O Toole, Kate Hammer, Marjolein Robertson!
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Nobody will be rich enough to survive the future you're creating.
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Such a great gig for
@MedicalAidPal
. Really glad to support them. I am also running some more gigs for them in April, may and June at The Rum Shack, will be putting them onsale asap!
unbelievable sold out turnout for the palestinian aid benefit gig at
@StandGlasgow
- here is the incredible legend
@JosieLong
bringing the house down 🇵🇸
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IT IS A PRECURSOR TO DIMINISHING OUR RAIL NETWORK FURTHER I SWEAR
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This is totally SOLD OUT! Thank you so much- that is £1000 for
@MedicalAidPal
this gig will make- I have some leftover tour merch that i will sell purely for donations to the charity too. If you wanted to come but couldn't get tickets, I'm going to be running one on 18th jan..
Sweet Glasgow friends, I'm putting on a silly comedy show on 5th december at the rum shack, and all of the profits are going to
@MedicalAidPal
. We have great comedians
@macarthurboyd
and Krystal Evans and LIam Withnail and Conor O Toole and more. Tickets:
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Maybe he has a magic home ham planet that won’t be affected by climate breakdown.
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What about people who don't really like pubs because we grew up with alcoholic step parents? What about us? Can we look after the kids and dogs? At the park? For cash?
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it's bad that they privatised royal mail and now stamps are fucking 1.35 each.
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Since december 5th has sold out, we are back and we are ready to do it all over again! There's a second fundraiser gig for
@medicalaidpal
on 18th January, it will be really fun!
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When will I learn to stop giving chain restaurants the benefit of the doubt? They are always so bad.
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kudos to anyone not screaming the word cunt tbh
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@lastpositivist
thank you, i get so frustrated about this- it was about the peace after the massacre of the 1st world war- to say never again! it is not about supporting or celebrating militarism ffs.
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My train is delayed because the driver for my train is “currently in a cab on the way to the train”. Does not feel reassuring.
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Do they think that they are magic and do not themselves need a liveable planet?
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my daughter wants to go as a gulper eel to world book day.
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me, aged 19 listening to gravediggaz "why would you put a slug in your mug? to poison your tea? this one doesn't make sense"
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Can’t wait til that guy who defrauded Thurrock council is in the House of Lords.
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they could do it to 10 people a year for 70 odd years and not notice it. seems bad idk.
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I used to think "let this radicalise you" meant to some extent "let this fill you with righteous anger" and now i see it more as "let this make you further and more deeply committed to your political learning and understanding." i think, anyway.
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I've got two WIP gigs coming up at the stand in glasgow, on the 20th May and the 23rd June, please do consider coming, i'm working on the show at a glacial pace but not in the sense that the glaciers are melting faster than at any point in human history lol.
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Unforgotten series 5 just laying into the tories every single ep is so nice
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they should do that, as a fun prank.
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James Gandolfini was so attractive.
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Feel like a tourist there these days in such a nice way. Still so excited to live in Scotland.
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