Jiayang Fan 樊嘉扬
@JiayangFan
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Writer @newyorker Wary Twitterer 最烦的樊
Joined November 2011
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Went to take out trash.Was talking on phone in Chinese. Man walked by on sidewalk & in interest of social distancing,I said,"sorry, go ahead." "FUCKING CHINESE,"he yelled loud enough I could hear him over aide's voice on phone. I turned to look at him to make sure I heard right
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I want to believe what happened is anomalous& that we r living in extraordinary times&fear can deform us. I wonder now if I should've taken his pic but dunno if that would've just aggravated him.I have no answers,many questions& maybe 4 words: Extreme Caution, Radical Compassion
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For the longest time,Ive been telling friends in China that altho racism against Chinese exists in this country,that's NOT what I feel in a pandemic.I've never felt like this in my 27 yrs in this country.I've never felt afraid to leave my home to take out the trash bc of my face.
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I wasn't offended.I was afraid. I was worried he knew where I lived. I decided not to go fetch the bag of rice a few blocks away even tho I don't know if lockdown is coming & what that means for my grain situation. It doesn't seem worth it.
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"Yea,I'm talking to you, Chinese bitch," he continued. "UR FUCKING CHINESE." Man didn't seem drunk or mentally ill. I was so breathless I couldnt make sound on phone for long while. I was asked on phone if I was OK. I couldn't say anything for a long minute.He kept looking at me
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“If my fear of being blackened makes me fear the act of speaking out, I think of how much of a disappointment I am. As a student of Tsinghua University, I will regret the cowardice for the rest of my life.” Remarkable words spoken by a remarkably brave young Chinese woman
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An observation a Chinese student made that always stuck w/ me: "When I speak, I'm ashamed of my Chinese accent & ppl around me r embarrassed 4 me. But a French student, for example, when she speaks, her accent is considered 'cute'& 'sophisticated'.This always made me feel worse."
Something I heard frequently from young Chinese students: "I have less anxiety with Asians, there's less to be self-conscious about and less explaining to do." Most importantly the worry that "I don't really know what makes Americans TICK."
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On top of everything else, I love her no-makeup, no heels, no-body-con-dress look so damn much. It’s the fiercest confidence and it’s so so hot.
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Blonde woman w large dog at Just Salads who told me as I stood behind her in line “I don’t want your Covid so close to my dog.” The fucked up thing is that in the moment, I was the one who felt embarrassed.
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I am Asian and I am woman. I’m neither sin nor temptation. Your guilt is not my evil. And I am not nor will I ever be yours to “eliminate.”
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I can’t stop staring at this cover. I can’t stop wondering who would come to this mother-daughter pair’s aid if someone attacked them. I can’t stop thinking I was once the daughter and how helpless I still feel to protect my mother.
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How grateful and humbled I am to have the most difficult piece I have ever written headlining in the magazine when there is such a relentless deluge of “newsier” stories in the world.
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Sambal is my new antidepressant, mood stabilizer, tranquilizer, party drug of choice.
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When I told my mom I might write a book abt my own life,she responded perplexed,”Why?Your lifes neither special nor interesting.”Its her grit & her insistence on my averageness that has kept me alive & writing,I think.& this book,like everything I’ve ever written,shall be for her
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My friend has been stuck in lockdown in Xishuangbanna, Yunnan since Xmas & reports it has possibly the world’s prettiest Covid testing venue
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This photo taken more than 30 years ago set the mood (and goals) for the rest of my life.
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This man first harassed me in middle of Malcolm x Blvd & when I didn’t engage,started yelling “chin chong kung flu!” Bc it wasn’t dark & I didn’t think he would risk hurting me in the open, I took his photo. When I told him “you are a racist” it felt good not to feel afraid.
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I wrote something about the rawness of living through this week and the reality, too often dismissed or distorted, of being an Asian-American woman
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A Chinese and a Jew, immigrants both, celebrating Xmas Eve with some fiery Sichuanese, the way God intended cc:
@Shteyngart
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Summer Chinatown. Few places in this city give me such unfiltered, instantaneous joy.
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My name has become such abomination in China that to refer to an unfilial,backstabbing devil is to be a "Jiayang Fan." Members of my extended fam are now being doxxed. What is the price of speaking one's mind? What is the price of having a mind unbeholden to nation or ideology?
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On the UES eating alone outside a Thai resto &the woman behind me just ordered a Pad Thai with caveat that she is allergic to “peanuts,egg, scallions,bean sprouts” & also “does not like tofu or shrimp.” Literally on the edge of my seat waiting to see what she is served for dinner
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Love you mom. I wish I could see you. But I’m glad you got the second shot.
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Why yes, fact-checkers and proofreaders ARE occasionally necessary and not only because I used to be one 😜
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I told myself that it would be ok if mom forgot. After all, her illness has left her bedridden &trapped w/o a sense of time or space for so long.But then on this thunderstorming morning I received this note...& suddenly the rain pelting relentlessly against my window makes sense.
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Why do I spend so much of my life unsubscribing from things I never subscribed to
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W the kindness of strangers, friends,colleagues& tenacity of
@yuhline
&
@NYSenBenjamin
& others, it looks like facility is letting my mom's aide back. I dont know how Covid will shake out in moms facility or if I'll get to see Mom again but right now, crying grateful tears.🙏
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Sent mom link to the Chinatown video She watched & blinked out this msg with eyes via alphabet chart & aide sent 2 me. Cried a lot this wk but right now, alone in my apt,sitting on my bed,not having showered for days,I can’t stop smiling& crying at once.
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Saw mom after a 4 month absence. Was so nervous about my hygiene that even after temp check and mask at entrance of her nursing home, I washed my hands 7 times during 3 hour visit out of sheer compulsion. Didn’t know if this reunion would come. So glad it did.
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A roller coaster day.Aide called to say mom not doing well at hospital,I said Id fly home early & looked at flights from HK back to NYC.Then just now, received this note blinked out by mom 1 letter at a time & relayed by aide over Wechat. Im sobbing outside MTR & no one knows why
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The thing is I detest social media hunt and shame culture. I know the whole of this woman probably isn’t defined by this single thoughtless action. But man, I have lost my appetite. And I feel sad. For her and for me (and for her dog).
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The doctors keep telling me she’s “very very sick” to prepare me. The sudden precipitous deterioration baffles her team. Mom remains unconscious and deep in sepsis. Her hands are so cold and fever so hot. I pinch myself to keep from screaming.
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Deep gratitude to everyone who has sent condolences or generous contributions or kept us in your thoughts. Learning how to find my way in this new reality & to remember gratitude as a sibling to grief and that time, its enfolding and unfolding, is a mother.
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I’ve evidently become target of massive campaign on Chinese social media. My crimes are everything to moving to the US, supporting democracy,writing abt China,writing abt HK,most disturbingly I’m “disgusting Bc she likes black people.” The rage here is frightening& disheartening
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This photo of my bed-bound mother reading my latest article in
@NewYorker
with the help of a Chinese English dictionary—an article on disgust in which her rat-eating youth makes a cameo!—makes my heart heave and then burst
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Asian-Americans in the past week have messaged me to tell me they voted for Trump due a single issue: affirmative action. They hate AA as much as Trump hates AA, they tell me. Uncomfortable & complicated but something we will have to wrestle with no matter who wins.
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Last night when vaxxed friend asked if I wanted to have dinner,I asked him to come uptown; part of me just didn’t want to be out w my Asian face after dark. I dont know if this is paranoia. But I do know what anxiety feels like.And no one deserves to feel it on top of a pandemic.
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1 thing mom told me in 🇺🇸was never to wear yellow. “Our skins yellow enough,”she said.I learned “yellow peril” in school&am reminded of it every time Trump pronounces the word”China”:the sneering contempt.Yellow might not be my color but man,Trump makes me so proud to be yellow😇
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Sometimes it feels unbearable to be alive but one should never forget that it is a privilege—this business of being alive
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First blizzard without Mom. First Chinese New Year. The brutal chain of endless Firsts chokes me but I know I am far from the first to collect these beads of grief.
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Oof. The glee, not unexpected but still chilling, on Chinese social media.
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Watched the teen rom-com Sierra Burgess is a Loser on Netflix & it's giving me all the feels.I was definitely nerd/loser in high school & not even the nonchalant/devil-may-care kind! You may never get the boy but discovering Plato & Nietzsche at age 15 is kinda its own salvation.
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Asked Chinese seller on street what he thought these magnets were & he told me he thinks they are "vintage New York City propaganda badges"
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Like everything I’ve ever written,this piece is for my mother. And writing it has never felt more like being 4 & sitting perilously perched on the ledge in trousers hand knit by my mother & cotton shoes布鞋 made by grandma scared to tears of the heights in which I’ve found myself
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To the many who told me that Confucian values and democracy will never and can never jive
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Chinese boy on date w/ blonde blue-eyed girl at new bubble tea place. Girl:I just took a genetic test & cant believe Im 2% East Asian! Boy: Hm. Girl(takes off glasses): I think u can see Chineseness in my eyes from certain light. Boy:Not sure if thats gonna do it for my parents..
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Thank you for your expressions of support & kindness. I don't know what will come next, or when I'll see Mom, but the last words she spelled with her eyes were "take care of yourself. if i dont see you again, write something good." So maybe I'll take her advice for once.
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It’s been complicated to socialize since mom’s death bc being w others always feels like leaving her behind. Tonight, had dinner w Ocean to honor our mothers w comfort foods they most loved. Rose and Yali, we love and remember you, always.
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Coordinating healthcare for a non-affluent patient in this country is like trying to play chess where the board is water,the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.Death is inevitable I realize but the path there shouldn’t be this brutal
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Hello hospital, my mother Yali is dead. She was penniless in death as she was in life but she had Medicaid& Medicare which should have covered 100% this last hospital visit. All paperwork has been updated by her daughter. Can you stop sending weekly reminders of her death? thanks
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“Whenever a customer walked in, Tan always had the same question: “where have you traveled?” If it was a new location or country, she would add it to her retirement wish list.”
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Tmwr(today in 🇨🇳) is mom’s 70th bday. Since getting ALS, her bdays have been bittersweet occasions. It’s been a decade plus since she’s gotten sick.A decade of standing at the precipice. Still in 🇨🇳,70 is a big deal. Here she is more than half a lifetime ago. Ain’t she a beauty?
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You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.BALDWIN
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Asian-American women, you are some of the strongest people I know.
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Sweet and sour ribs, mapo tofu, double-cooked pork, stir-fried cabbage. Homemade Sichuanese, man. Nothing can beat it.
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The sheer insanity of grief. The pills it takes to sleep,the layered nightmares that plague the night,the devastation of morning when u hope to wake to news that it was ALL just a nightmare&the panic that ensues,panic that has nowhere to go bc there is nothing to DO to undo death
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The writing process: 1. caffeine 2...staring at computer thinking IM DUMB IM DUMB IM DUMB 3....flicker of good sentence/idea...IM BRILLIANT 4.LONG food break to celebrate 5.wait,the brilliant idea falls apart upon 2nd look/closer scrutiny 6. IM DUMB IM DUMB IM DUMB 7. caffeine
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Readers,u have made my mom cry. All of u who have written w experience of ailing moms,of immigrant pain,of fierce parental sacrifice&strife,of human love&loss.I have told my mom ur stories& she has told me what she has had trouble telling me most of my life:she is so v proud of u
How grateful and humbled I am to have the most difficult piece I have ever written headlining in the magazine when there is such a relentless deluge of “newsier” stories in the world.
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I wrote a profile of Liu Cixin, China and possibly the world's most popular sci-fi writer where we talk both intergalactic & earthling politics, Chinese history & why one of us might be an alien.
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I’m not rich &I have no other family to share the caretaking. But I am obsessive & educated& man do I love my mom. If I’m so broken by this process that I’m alternating btw ibuprofen&xanax&coffee to stay alive in order to keep her alive, what chances do the less privileged have?
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Peak immigrant working class mom in pandemic: she told me if I go out,try to take subway still bc “u cant afford cab!” Im not going out at all but also sent this photo of me on 🚞as proof to assuage her fear that Im not frittering $ away on cabs,a white lie hopefully god forgives
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Grief is when the world is telling you “u WILL feel better one day” & you want to scream fully aware of both your irrationality & solipsism:”no no no, don’t u see that the ONLY thing I want is to remake the laws of nature, reverse the course of time, to make impossible possible?”
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No, not a model. Dr.Xu Hui should obviously be lauded for her sacrifice but working 18 consecutive days is not a model. Being part of a healthcare system that pressures doctors to work such inhumane hours should invite critical reflection more than anything else.
Xu Hui, a doctor at a Nanjing hospital died on Feb 7 at the age of 51, after working 18 consecutive days in the frontline fighting against the
#coronavirus
. Jiangsu Party secretary praised Xu, calling her a role model for other medics.
#NCP
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Thread.1 q I ask myself is:WHY TWEET it at all if I dont want to name&shame? 2 reasons. 1.acknowledge that this sorta thing does happen &probably happens to much more vulnerable ppl than me who like me probably ask themselves "why did it happen? did I somehow invite the insult?"
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W mom in ICU working. She’s in septic shock. In ambulance,the police,firefighter,& 1st responders (all present since 911 was called) said mom has been their first non-Covid transport in days. W exception of mom, it’s all Covid pneumonia in here. Thank u for your hugs & thoughts🙏
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If my mother, a woman whose only functioning muscles in her entire body are her eyelids, can vote, you can vote.
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If my mother were to actually read this,she would likely believe it 2b another instance of my airing the dirty laundry of our undignified lives. But like everything I've ever written,it is also for my mother,whose immigrant grit made my existence possible.
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.
@DrKatzNYCHH
this is last photo of my last vid call w my mom who is sobbing as hospital police drags out my moms crying aide. Henry j carter patient relations lied to me entire day abt state of her discharge until last min. Moms nurses collectively anguished for her.
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You want to know what it means to be an Asian-American badass? This Chinese grandma is what it means to be an Asian-American badass.
The grandmother who fought off an attacker in San Francico has decided to donate ALL
#gofundme
money back to the
#AAPI
community to fight racism.
Her
@gofundme
raised nearly $900,000. $900,000!!
We can all learn a lot from Xia Zhen Xie. Incredible.
@nbcbayarea
#StopAsianHate
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Oh how these few minutes of video chat from mom’s locked down nursing home have become my reason for staying functional and sane. Every day. Every day.
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As a child whose red envelopes from adults were all confiscated by my mother for permanent and nonnegotiable “safekeeping” I say onto you, children of the New Year: count your blessing and hold on with an iron grip to those 🧧
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Doing the Chinatown video made me wonder if I had ever b/f documented my fav place in the city. Only thing that turned up was this early 90s photo of mom and me—mute,shell-shocked immigrants—visiting manhattan Chinatown for the 1st time in our 1st month in our brand new country.
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Not the Chinese immigrant way but I will strive to adopt it if children come my way
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First time on subway in months. When I’m moving forward in motion is when I miss the past the most.
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First personal thing I’ve written since mom died. In this week’s issue. Weirdest thing I’ve written but it was extremely insistent on being extremely weird.
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Word on the street is that my moms nursing home is opening to visitors tomorrow AM for the 1st time since virus hit nyc. It’s been 111 days since I saw her last. I won’t quite believe it until it actually happens. But for now, my heart is full.
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To the folks who wrote to say this couldnt have happened or else I would identify race of this person,think abt what ur asking. Is telling u hes white,black,hispanic,etc going to edify or is it 1 more reason to vilify entire group based on actions of single troubled individual?
Went to take out trash.Was talking on phone in Chinese. Man walked by on sidewalk & in interest of social distancing,I said,"sorry, go ahead." "FUCKING CHINESE,"he yelled loud enough I could hear him over aide's voice on phone. I turned to look at him to make sure I heard right
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Got this note from my bed-bound mother in her visitor-restricted nursing home at 5AM.Told her I had itchy throat 2 days ago(no thankfully not COVID). It’s passed but clearly she hasn’t stopped worrying. I keep reading her words over and over again. “You live for two lifes now.”
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The best is when u show up to your $20 gruff-mannered Chinatown barber w this photo of roughly how short u want your hair to be cut&he takes 1 look at u,then the pic, then u again & says “I can cut your hair but I can’t give u a face transplant if u wanna look like Maggie Cheung”
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the thing that is the most f*cked up about grief is that the act of living itself feels like a betrayal of the dead
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妈妈，我回来看你了. I know you can’t move a single muscle in your body, but somehow I can always feel your hand squeezing mine.
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My Chinese face is a liability. Just got asked if I’m from US and am reporter why I have Chinese face. I showed press identification, passport, business iID . “But why I speak mandarin?” Old man asks hostilely. And I’m surrounded by huge mob. Are you really from west? I’m asked.
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Not good to be sentimental or vulnerable on social media, I’m told. It’s prudent advice. But boy do I wish I could spend Christmas with my mom in her hospital room.
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This is scary. My aunt in Beijing left me vitriolic msg after months of being out of touch. “U should know the truth. The virus never started in Wuhan.American came to China 2 distribute it 2 Chinese. As an American,how do u feel about that??” I honestly dont know how to respond.
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After years of getting each other’s emails, and both being Asian and female and writing for the same pub, proof that alas JIAyang and
@jiatolentino
not the same person 😉
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I can’t wait to be 60, grow into my biceps, and arm-wrestle men who have yet to be born.
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ROGER ANGELL (aged 101): my eyesight is going these days…ME:same ROGER:I listen to all my books now ME:same ANGELL:my teeth aren’t so great ME:same ANGELL:I feel like I’m abt 100 yrs old in my body ME:same ANGELL: …but mentally I still feel pretty focused ME:ok,not the same
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Perhaps my favorite photo of my mother and me in the Chongqing hospital compound where she worked and I was born, when all of life still seemed to lie ahead for my young mother, blazing bright with possibilities
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Cut open a 🍉&realized Ive run out of saranwrap.Head to bodega.”SaranWrap” confuses the Yemeni owner.i tell him I want “clearwrap.” he gives me Clorox.”No,”I gesture,”I need clearwrap.” Clear wrapper?he asks.Urgent? I guess urgent,I say.He nods knowingly& hands me pack of condoms
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Cant sleep thinking of all the stories brave immigrant sons&daughters have shared w me this wk.Nothing more rewarding 4 writer than being told that reader feels seen.Writing is a solitary act of exposure but also an attempt to feel less alone.Thank u for making me feel less alone
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God bless the Caribbean grandma in front of me picking from the basket of crabs in seafood market, instructing the exasperated clerk, “I need a dozen! female! not a single leg missing! lively in body &spirit! or Im not payin!” You do every Chinese grandma I’ve ever known proud.
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Fuck fuck fuck. All visitors prohibited for hospital starting today. I never got chance to say bye to mom. I don’t know how to....
Just bought hospital staff boxes of chocolate but hands so shaky I spilled one box on the street. Moms facility is incredibly diverse,staffed almost exclusively by immigrants. Some of staff are unfailingly kind. But I guess this is new territory & unprecedented times for everyone
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My editor just tried Mapo Tofu for the 1st time after lifetime declaration of no love for Sichuanese food (his taste skews toward croque monsieur), looked up from his plate & said,” this is kind of delicious. Do other ppl know about this dish?” I feel like my life’s work is done.
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