May 1996 I was blessed with the most beautiful, strong, hardheaded baby named Cassie. She made me so proud. She was wonderful & perfect in every way. On August 29 my daughter died in a tragic accident. Parents aren't supposed to lose their kids. Rest in peace my beautiful angel.

This site under construction indefinitely due to NO ONE giving a shit.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like "This store isn't open yet? It's almost 7am!"

I'm no expert, but I think Sammy Hagar could drive 55 if he didn't have one foot on the brakes and one on the gas.

The Imperial March from Star Wars has a totally different vibe when played on a kazoo

Quit saying side hustle, you have a part time job

Tripped and almost fell over an extension cord at work and I’m not even that drunk yet.

[cooking instructions] "Start by preheating the oven" I can't do that, that's where I keep my pots and pans

Saying your kid is "a ball of energy" is parent code for "annoying little shit."

Liquor store: We ID everyone. George Washington: *whips out a dollar bill*

Slowly turning into my grandma with every passing day, not the one who was beautiful and read a book a day, the other one who sometimes let her nose drip right into the cookie batter

Alone in a world full of people is a strange feeling.

I need a long, tight, consoling hug from a tequila bottle

The first rule of tortillas club is we don’t taco bout it

I don't need your approval. Unless it's covered in nacho cheese, in which case I need it so bad.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but mischievous doesn't have 4 syllables.

When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, “In a pie-eating contest, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose because you get to eat pie.” I think about that a lot.

A kid in my class said his glue stick is “crusty and used up” and I cannot think of a better metaphor for my life.

I didn't set out to be useless, but here I am, killing it.

If you love someone, set them free, but only in the basement, and only for like 2 hours. Tops.