Me to alien: I, too, try to live among people undetected

Final Destination but death violently attacks those who video chat without headphones in public.

Those small, truly underappreciated things in life can go fuck themselves.

I’m easily the prettiest alcoholic in this stolen tractor.

The devil designed reusable hand towel machines so bio-terrorists wouldn’t have too. #trueoriginofcovid

As soon as I opened the bag, I knew: dying of radiation poisoning and eating black licorice are the same.

Where can I apply to become a heathen?

Really happened. #berlin #streik #damn #notagain

I mean it’s the 21st century. We sit at the pinnacle of human technological advances. Mars is within realistic reach....and then the #skyticketde app comes out and puts humanity back 20 years. AOL dial up would do a better job. #skyticket

Why do you even bother? Please just give the #Bundesliga up, take a shovel, dig a hole, and then invite all of the people you rip off religiously to come and throw dirt over you. #skyticket #skyticketde

And then she said “unlimited snacks” so I married her.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Scene from George Lucas's Ben-Hur Special Edition.

Dennis Rodman leading the charge for world peace, Kim Kardashian getting people pardoned from prison, my back doesn’t hurt, and there is food in the fridge. *eyes roll back in*starts hyperventilating*sirens*screams*

Can you tell I'm doing squats while I RT you?

I look so great from far away.

Whenever my dog sees me with food he licks his lips like LL Cool J.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

I once masturbated to Ricky Gervais so don’t tell me about problems.