When the dick is just the right amount of bomb

“Okayyyy I can’t wear my $600 boots if it doesn’t stop raining!!”, she said as she puts an oil change on a credit card to pay later

Nobody was a bigger fan of Chris rock’s special than Chris rock

💀BREAKING NEWS💀 Our next feature horror film is called, “DEMONETIZE” Written by @WattyMcfly & @J9_Hogan Production is projected to start this fall! #film #filmmaking #horror

I was just kissing my gf in my car & someone honked & I was like “WOW a hate crime when will it end?” But then we looked up and I was in the way so 7 cars had just been stuck sitting there watching us make out. So if they weren’t homophobic before they are now for sure.

Everyone’s like “wow gorgeous long legs” until they see how hairy I am above the knee cuz I just don’t have the stamina

Everyone in LA is always talking about “the big one” like which earthquake is gonna kill us, but my “big one” is just which pothole is gonna break my car in half

Hey we haven’t kissed in 6 minutes so you hate me or what?

my girlfriend and i are bringing back our full moon parties and this time they’re bigger, better, witchier, and GAYER! our line up includes @theashleyray @danadonnelly @notthatmad0nna @MelanieVesey @HarperRoseD @J9_Hogan and @megstalter.

Dont flirt with me or you bout to make me pop out theeth retainerth girl

My friends 3yo repeatedly screamed “I’M ADDICTED TO DABBING AND FARTING!” all day yesterday. The children really ARE the future

Ive decided to rebrand seizures as fun by calling them silly little zip zap zops in my brain

OH MY FUCKING GOD @HarperRoseD had them made for me

my mechanic calling me kiddo has set my daddy issues on BEAST MODE today

We will never have equality until there are sweatpants with “dry” on the butt, just like there is for “Juicy”

If you read the terms & services, it actually ISN’T homophobic to eat Chick-fil-A as long as you also eat pussy

Yo, I’m looking for illustrators for a paid project & collaboration with The Met Museum. Please share and link me any accounts/portfolios.

You simply MUST watch this amazing sketch from @DirectorDerek and former guest Kyle Kasabian featuring @alyssa_sabo and @J9_hogan https://t.co/dG4XDtiqNK

Making todays right now wish me luck!!!

Yeah of course I meal prep* (*hyper fixate and eat 3 microwaveable corn dogs every single day)

my current thing is just calling myself a sleepy girl instead of saying i have crippling depression and can’t be awake for more than 4 hours at a time