Henry Phillips
@Henlips
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Los Angeles, CA
Joined June 2009
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Pinned Tweet
I've always loved "Most embarrassing moments" stories. This is definitely in my top 3.
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If you asked me my two favorite things, I'd say cooking and masturbating. And I'm not sure what the second thing would be.
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So glad I finally made it to the "Celebrity Quotes" section of Delta magazine:
http://t.co/NnQDvYGlPb
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Once again I want to thank the good folks at Delta Sky magazine for putting me in their celebrity quotes section:
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I never use my blinker, because that gives the driver behind me knowledge about what I’m going to do next. And knowledge, is power.
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Sad to announce the passing of my dad, Bill Phillips (aka Bill Wiley). After years of acting on stage, he got this first TV gig when he was 51, and it started a whole new life for him. RIP Dad.
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Fun prank would be to start wearing my pants inside out, so 20 years from now I look at the pictures with young people and say “OMG I can’t believe we used to wear them like that!” The joke being that we never did that, I was just crazy. It would be one of those “long play” jokes
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I want people out there to know that change is possible. 10 years ago I was broke, depressed, drinking a lot and scrolling through YouTube videos. Now, I’m scrolling through Tik-Tok videos.
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Hey guys, sorry I haven't had many tweets for a while. I got hacked by somebody who is really shy.
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Maybe the reason we like dogs so much is that they don’t do social media.
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Nice, iPhone sends me automatic montages of all the awesome food I've prepared :)
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It’s messed up how people with diarrhea are portrayed in the media. We don’t all look like that.
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Went to the asparagus museum and saw the world’s tallest asparagus spears. I was like a pig in shit.
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Once again the wonderful folks at Delta have honored me with their celebrity quotes section:
http://t.co/b9Z9yKJMxM
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Someone face-swapped my cookbook cover and I can't stop looking at it.
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I just bought Dr. Seuss “Hop on Pop” on Amazon for $4900 but then I realized that it’s not one of the ones that was banned :(
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So embarrassing, tried to say “the salad bar is making a comeback”, but accidentally said “the bar back is making a come salad”.
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Just went to my bank and on the way out I smelled bacon. I asked the security guard if there was a diner nearby, and he said that this bank used to be a diner, but that was 20 years ago. Pretty sure I was smelling ghost bacon.
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I know this sounds like a BS statistic, but apparently in the US alone, there are enough comedians for every single citizen of the US to have their own private comedian.
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I will sell your house, and then we shall make passionate love.
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Can’t wait to bring my culinary mentorship to a whole new platform!
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2 months in a row! Thanks Delta Sky Magazine for AGAIN putting me in your "Celeb Quotes" section.
http://t.co/FmrWcc8AK6
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I don't want to sound alarmist, but if you have children, I HIGHLY recommend launching them toward a more habitable planet in a homemade spaceship.
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Thank you YouTube and everyone for watching Henry's Kitchen. Like Navin Johnson once said, "Things are going to start happening to me now!"
#henryskitchen
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Guys, this has been kind of eating at me. I have to confess, I didn't write that last tweet. It was my friend Daniel's mom's joke. I'm sorry for anyone I may have hurt.
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My son always says I drive like an old lady. I tell him, "Daniel, I AM an old lady!"
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If I were the federal government I would send the checks out to everybody, but I would make the envelope look like a jury duty summons so everyone just throws it away.
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Sad to think that so many of us waste our lives staring at roses or having meaningless conversations with friends, when right under our nose is a phone that can give us unlimited entertainment.
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Kids need encouragement. If I see a kid's drawing that's not very good, I'll still think of something hopeful to say, like "many artists aren't appreciated during their own lifetime".
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Happy to announce that "Punching Henry" will begin airing on Showtime on July 28!
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Fun music fact: When Elton John sings “Rocketman“, what he’s meaning to say is “astronaut”.
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You can now watch the full movie "Punching the Clown" for free on YouTube!
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Can you guys believe the hoops you have to jump through to get the stimulus check? This government guy just called and I had to give him my Social Security #, plus all my bank info and everything. Just give me the check!
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In Spain they say that a kiss without a mustache is like eggs without salt.
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Listening to a financial podcast and did you know that if you saved only one dollar every day for a full year, at the end of the year you would have more than $300? It didn’t sound right to me, but I put it into a calculator and the math works out.
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Okay, because you requested it, here is another switched tweet- Famed earthquake science authority Dr. Lucy Jones and comedian Doug Stanhope.
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So what does everybody think of aging? I don’t think I care for it.
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At last, my comedy special "Neither Here nor There" has finally found a home at Amazon prime:
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There are 2 kinds of people on Twitter. Those that tweet fully thought out ideas
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I don't normally get starstruck, but I ran into childhood idols Gene Simmons and Ace Frehley and had to take a pic:
http://t.co/nmYdpWTsB3
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Had to return this blanket because it was way too wide on the sides, but it was so short it didn't even cover my feet. Who designs this shit?
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My therapy is really helping me get over my OCD. I finally left the house today without checking to see if I left the oven on. (unfortunately I had left the oven on though)
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Just noticing that this account that used to post extremely cute animal pics got suspended. Would love to know the story behind that.
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This is cool.
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If your jack-o'-lantern doesn't look as good as mine, don't be jealous! I took a 12 week class earlier this year.
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I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over, if for no other reason that I’m tired of having to wash my hands every time I use the shitter.
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Thought my friend was dead but I notice he still faves my tweets. Or his murderer does. Either way it's cool they like my stuff!
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I choose Comfort Inn Motels because they include a lower peephole, so you can investigate someone’s crotch before letting them in.
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Sometimes I could swear that Roast Beef is cognizant of his own mortality.
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I don't care how many degrees you have. Until you learn how to cook, you're not an expert in jack shit.
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Happy to announce that if you have Amazon Prime, you can watch Punching the Clown for free! This is the movie that didn't make any money, but it lead to the making of "Punching Henry" (which also didn't make money):
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I hope this uber ride ends before this guy realizes I don't follow basketball.
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If someone mentions their favorite show to you and you hate it, best not to say “that show sucks”. There’s always a possibility that in fact it is a great show, but you’re just an idiot.
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The secret to a successful restaurant is to offer something that people can’t make at home. For example, Starbucks makes coffee, which anyone can make at home. That’s why they’re not successful.
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I always thought I was just singing silly nonsense lyrics to Toto's "Africa", but I just looked it up and saw that I've actually been singing the correct lyrics.
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I thought it would be nice to offer people to come share my umbrella, but it seems to be just creeping people out. Gonna try again when it's raining.
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If you work hard, you can achieve your dreams. (*Disclaimer: I've never done this, just saw it on a poster)
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Time heals all wounds. Well, except for death. In fact Time causes that. Actually never mind, fuck Time!
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One of the best ways to keep trim is to only cook food that tastes like shit.
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I like to give younger people advice when I’m riding the bus, and I told this kid next to me, “if you want to do something in life, just do it, don’t worry about what people think”. And he said “good call“, and he got up and moved to another seat.
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Hey guys, just dropping in to say the tweets are looking great, keep it up!
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It’s kind of weird for CVS to play that Hawaiian guy’s version of “Over the Rainbow”. I came in here to get hair products and now I’m crying.
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I can't believe it's been 1 full year since I've been teaching live cooking lessons on twitch. Celebrate the one-year anniversary with me today! Noon PST
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If you can, try to support locally owned shops this holiday season. I was just about to order a book on Amazon, but I decided instead to just walk to the bookstore down the street, owned by two buddies, Barnes and Noble.
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My new pastime is switching celebrities’ tweets. Here I switched renowned mathematician and author Nassim Taleb with Khloe Kardashian.
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Fun memory: After my first open mic, a guy in a suit gave me a card and said “If you can write an hour’s worth of songs, you’ll make a million dollars.” Well now I have about 4 hours of songs, and it’s occurring to me that I think he meant good ones.
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I’m not sure how I would describe my career, but I definitely wouldn’t say I’m “killing it“. If anything it’s the opposite. I’m “letting it live“ or whatever.
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Happy to announce that on tonight's episode of HBO's "Silicon Valley", I'll be reprising my role of John, the creepy server monkey guy:
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In case some of the kids out there wanted to know what a real mullet looks like.
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The "decaffeinated" label on coffee should be at least as noticeable as the cancer warnings on cigarettes.
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Austin Texas, this is going to be a lot of fun, my show is Friday night, come on down!
I am so excited to have my hilarious and brilliant friend
@Henlips
come in for Altercation Comedy Fest in Austin this year! See him next Friday! Grab tickets here:
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Kids nowadays are paying way too much for their music. Back when I was a kid you could get 12 record albums for one penny.
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My 1 hour live comedy special is out today! Thanks to all who came out to support. Here's the link:
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You hear some musicians complain, but my annual income from music streaming has literally doubled every year for the last 7 years. If it keeps up next year it’ll be $36.
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Always remember, you have the option of going around the block if you want to get some place 10 minutes slower. Thanks Google maps!
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Please let me take this opportunity to plug our movie "Punching the Clown"
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What are you guys doing tonight? I hope you’re making Henry’s Jack ‘O pizza.
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So sick of parents today. When I was 10, my friends and I used to hitchhike home from the YMCA in our bathing suits. Sure, now and again one of us would get murdered, but at least we didn't grow up to be no snowflake!
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Always funny when people don't realize that their news is customized according to their viewing history. "There's a war going on and all the media wants to talk about is porn".
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I’ll never forget losing my virginity to “Almost Paradise” playing on my car stereo, and how we laughed when the moment was ruined when it cut to a commercial for crypto .com.
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My mom thinks the correct term is “Kerfuckle”, and I’ll be damned if I correct her.
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This new Beatles documentary is making me go back and check out some of their other stuff. Love it!
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If I were a mugger, I think my opening line would be “Don’t worry, I’m not trying to sell you anything”.
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When I was in Las Vegas I was walking around day drinking, as you do, and was really excited to run into Tom Cruise. I even gave him one of my Bud Lights. Now people don’t believe I met him, which is hilarious because he’s right there in the picture. Why would he lie about it?
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It's weird how certain expressions go out of style. Like it's been a while since I've heard someone say "hey, you look great".
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Just discovered that you can just use a toenail clipper to clip your fingernails- you don’t need to buy a whole other device. Please share this info before it gets taken down by big tech.
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