I'd like to thank you all for helping me waste the time.

When your girlfriend who will wear jeans with you to any formal event is not attending.

@FoundersGirl Can’t take that chance. More people suffer food poisoning from salad than from beef. Salads, especially leafy greens, are a leading cause of illness, often from norovirus or bacteria like E. coli because they are typically eaten raw.

Probably need to start thinking about what to wear to gala tonight.

North Yorkshire winter wonderland this morning ❄️

Yes, he has a tortilla blanket that almost covers his feet.

When you're prepping to host Thanksgiving for 20+ people and your husband comes down with a man cold.

I can't be the only one who throws down a random handful of raw kale to feel healthy...er. #NoPainNoGain

Accurate af 😂

Is it really almost Thanksgiving if mom isn't especially vigilant in her crusade to make everyone clean up their own freaking messes?

“Look, either you give me another drink or you’ve made an enemy for life. Trust me, I never forget.”

Little takes the Civil Service test tomorrow in hopes of becoming an officer with a local police force. Please pray for his success.

😆

What's my secret to staying strong, ripped and dangerous? Keep this by the bed. When I wake up during the night I drink a bunch and then go back to sleep. I do this multiple times during the night, and when I finally get up to start the day, I AM READY.

Don't be afraid to show your true colors, unless they reveal your full psychosis.

Goldie Hawn is 80 years old today.

Despair.

Invite everyone back to the bar for breakfast & hungover karaoke.

You know @AggieTheBarkeep because she’s also @Schadenfreudelish which 𝕏 won’t help her recover So, give Barkeep a follow because the best Ricans are Aggiericans 🤠

How I look at the lady next to me on the flight after 14 rums and cokes

Last one out of the office on a Friday night is a dumb f-er.