erin chack
@ErinChack
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Statuses
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my hair is long now. writing: @newyorkerhumor , @mcsweeneys , @monsterchildren and more. always looking for new bylines.
LA
Joined January 2013
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Pinned Tweet
you're never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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america is wrong about everything except fahrenheit. farenheit is the correct way to measure temperature. fahrenheit is like "man, it's so hot out. it's gotta be like.......100 hots."
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oh so they're just GIVING the throne to charles????? this is nepotism at its finest
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once again it is 4pm, too early for a beer, too late for a coffee, and so i find myself roaming the streets desperate to spend $8 on a mysterious third beverage
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here’s my hack for finding street parking anywhere in LA
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diet coke may cause cancer? you mean the mysteriously sweet yet calorie-free, tar-black beverage with flavors not based in nature isn't...organic
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where's the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we've ever seen in a single body
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google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug
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me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you're not gonna believe this,
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when you all talk about having rizz, this is what i picture
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i'd be sooooo pissed if i were a bee and someone took all my hard-earned honey and put it in a container shaped like a bear. a bear is my enemy. you mock me.
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RIP Vice, i will never forget reading an article by a woman who said her vaginal discharge reminded her of egg whites, so she fried it up and ate it and came to the conclusion that it's not the same as egg whites, actually. i got my journalism degree after that.
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quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
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please don't celebrate april fools' day if you're not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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my bf ordered an egg and cheese bagel and the guy gave him a hard boiled egg on cream cheese help what’s the number for 911
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every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
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WILL I WATCH YOUR INSTAGRAM STORY? A FRIENDLY GUIDE
yes: ______ ______ ______
lol no: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
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[watching the violent and brutal assassination of Julius Caesar]
someone should make a salad about this.
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if a centaur had a dick would it be like THIS or like THIS:
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why is it always “attorney at law”? i want to be an attorney at other stuff. attorney at having a good time
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a guy at a bar asked me if i use an electric tooth brush and i said “no, acoustic” and he turned his back to me and started talking to someone else
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we trained a wild squirrel to come all the way into the apartment and eat breakfast with us
Mental-health crisis from pandemic was minimal, study suggests
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[me discovering a new species of spider]
ME: it has long legs. I will call it the long legs spider.
*spider smacks my ass*
ME: on second thought
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Scary Halloween costume idea: Dress up like Trump, go to a party, and stand 3-5 feet behind successful women.
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we should treat november and december like the weekend of the year. no work, no emails, maybe go to the zoo, up to you
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FRIEND: A ton of people were at the party last night
ME: Thats only 14 people given an avg body wt of 136lbs
F: This is why u werent invited
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sorry i didn’t text back i got my hands stuck in pringles cans. yeah both of them. yes again.
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absolutely bonkers to me that we don’t make a bigger deal out of leap day. we have A COMPLETELY FREE BONUS DAY that only comes around ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS and everyone’s like “guess i’ll go to costco”
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whenever i eat a brownie i just pretend it’s half of an even bigger brownie. look at me, only eating half a brownie. health goddess. wellness queen. walking chickpea.
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World War I
II World II War
World War: Tokyo Drift
World & War
World Five
World & War 6
War 7
The Fate of the World
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behind every great woman is me screaming YES QUEEN so loud that her hair blows around like a music video
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[at a restaurant]
woman: and i’ll have that without cheese
me: *leaning my entire body into the waiters line of sight from a neighboring table* i’ll have her cheese
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my mom usually: don’t drink soda it’s bad for you
my mom when i’m sick: here’s two liters of ginger ale, it will heal you
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PERSON: You always seem so chill.
ME EXTERNALLY: oh thanks
ME INTERNALLY:
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“Valentine’s day is a fake holiday!"
yeah totally not like the other real holidays that exist in nature, like SHOP AT THE MALL UNDER PRESSURE and ARGUE ABOUT POLITICS OVER A BOWL OF MASHED POTATOES
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Perfect skin is wasted on children. Where you going looking so dewy, Aidan? The sandbox? Fucking circle time? Gimme it.
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A good way to respond to someone telling you they ran a marathon is to ask if they won
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the world is so bad right now no one even realized today's date is 6/9
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
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ME: i'm only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
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i was just brought to literal tears in the canned goods aisle by the comedic timing of a man with a backwards hat pushing a cart with one hand and talking loudly into a cellphone unironically saying “yeah i’m just doing my thing at trader joe’s”
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this morning i slipped and said “hello dog” out loud to a dog being walked but then the guy walking the dog also slipped and said “hello human” in a dog voice
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if you ask me to hold your drink im taking one (1) courtesy sip, it’s called taxes look it up
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do you realize how hard it would be for a single person to murder 50 people without a gun
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spongebob is the greatest show on television, no contest. RIP to an absolute legend. here are some of my favorite stills:
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found it:
Vice used to be a lawless, experimental empire. i deeply regret never getting the chance to write for them.
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just a quick reminder that no one’s even trying to put this dude in jail we’re just asking that he doesn’t get an enormous promotion!!!!
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am i too late to recommend someone for the role of samantha on the sex and the city reboot
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BABY JESUS: whatcha doin
GOD: making fish for the ocean
BABY JESUS: can I make one
GOD: *exasperated sigh*
BABY JESUS: pleeeeeease
GOD: you can make ONE
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literally would not be surprised if girls started showing up to their bffs funeral wearing matching shirts that say boo hoo crew on the front and maddie’s last bash before she’s ash! on the back
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Cindy, hold my calls. I just found out male ballerinas are called ballerinos and I need to lay face down on my office floor for a little.
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SUSAN PAGE: my next question is about health care
MIKE PENCE: i'm gonna talk about a dream i had in 1979
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the days between christmas and new years its like:
someday
whoseday
whensday
blursday
whyday
badurday
noneday
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If it helps you, just pretend “I’m With Her” is short for “I’m With Hermione” because in both instances she’s our only hope to vanquish evil
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announcement: from now on whenever anyone says “drumroll please” this is what i’ll be picturing
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do u ever see an image on the internet
so pure
that it makes all the trash worth it
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[on a first date]
so what are your favorite songs about the boys being back in town
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ME: yes, men! wear rompers! finally understand how much we’ve sacrificed in pee-comfort to look cute!
MEN: the rompers will have flies
ME:
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My boyfriend asked what time it is, so I said 11:17. He took my word it. It's only 9:53. This is the most power I've ever had in my life.
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this morning my husband asked me if i remembered to pack his toothbrush so i said “im not your mom” and as i was walking away i heard him say “you’re not my friend either”
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whenever people are having a serious conversation about workers rights ill chime in and say “the machinery of capitalism is oiled with the blood of the worker” and everyone nods solemnly in agreement but i got that from The Simpsons
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BOB ROSS: I tell ya what, let's do something a little crazy. Let's paint a big old pine tree right here
ME: FUCK ME UP, BOBBY
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Guy Who Told His Supporters Not To Vote By Mail Surprised That His Supporters Did Not Vote By Mail
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gonna ask my friends to write me letters of recommendation. i'm not applying to anything, i just want to hear what they think of me
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Being in a relationship is just yelling "WHAT?" from different rooms for thirty years and then you die
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I'm gonna CUM
C - Continue to
U - Underwhelm & disappoint
M - My family
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my boyfriend doesn’t get why i keep trying to order coffee from him
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I'm hearing a lot of THIS and I gotta say .............. i'm into it.
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INTERVIEWER: so, Mr. Dylan, you just won a nobel prize. How does it feel?
DYLAN: its a great hon—
INTERVIEWER: HOW DOES IT FEEE-AL?
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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
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Before the ACA I got cancer and was kicked off my dad's insurance bc I had to leave college for treatment, which qualified me as independent
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the longest day of the year is also the shortest night, which is why on the summer solstice we worship sir Danny DeVito, america's shortest knight
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i wish my brain had a little laptop fan that would go off when i’m thinking too hard
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the nicest thing you can do for women on international women’s day is be this supportive tomorrow. and then the next day. and then the next day. and then the next day. and then th
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nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
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