To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue. The profanity wasn't necessary but thank you for not siccing him on me.

RT @DestryBrod: My body says I desperately need to work out more, but my beard says I'm way too behind on writing my manifesto for that.

My body says I desperately need to work out more, but my beard says I'm way too behind on writing my manifesto for that.

RT @DestryBrod: A do it yourself oil change place called YouLube.

A do it yourself oil change place called YouLube.

RT @DestryBrod: Counting cards is neither illegal or cheating. It's frowned upon by the same institution that will happily take your last c….

Eating ass? Do you mean trunk spelunking?.

I accidentally wiped right after I took a shit. I have to stop blending social networking and basic hygiene.

RT @aotakeo: I should not have to say this but:. If I hand you my phone to show you a picture YOU DO NOT SWIPE.

RT @ohnoletsgocrazy: I'm sexy and fun and ready to ride the peak.

Your great grandma was so dumb she got fired from a silent movie for forgetting her lines. Octo-octogenarian burn.

RT @californtia_: *standing in front of my washer with a hammer. “WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE WITH ALL MY SOCKS!?!?”.

RT @JPLFR80: How do you say "I like you and I think we should be friends," but as an adult.

RT @EdgarPoop1: Twitter isn't a dating app it's a psychosocial experiment in exposure effect.

RT @SleepEatScream: I like to establish dominance by yawning the minute someone tries to make small talk with me.

I love watching people argue with Grok when it's answer doesn't support their argument. I said "it" because it's a robot. You're arguing with a fucking robot my dude.

Counting cards is neither illegal or cheating. It's frowned upon by the same institution that will happily take your last cent no matter what your financial situation looks like.

RT @DestryBrod: Blackjack is the only game where it's illegal for knowing too much about the game. Casinos shouldn't even have it availabl….

RT @SabotagedSmoke: Random woman : Hey, I just have to tell you that I think we're meant to be, like we're soulmates. Me : Well, there's on….

RT @SabotagedSmoke: Whoever named it Semen instead of Diquid really shit the bed on that one.

Blackjack is the only game where it's illegal for knowing too much about the game. Casinos shouldn't even have it available to play then.