The “blunt objects people grasp for while being strangled in a noir” section of Target

Please stop texting me, I’ll explain everything when I have my day in court

Every time a kid has to deliver a joke on Sesame Street

Inadvertently paused Ms Rachel looking like she’s staring down the opposing bench after draining a 3

No one told me the entire 4 hour Billy Joel doc was about his decision to use the take where he goes “NONONONONO you haed to be a BEEG shot, DEEED JA”

Put all the dog’s treats for a weeklong vacation into one bag and keep imagining a team of dogs trying to pull off a Money Train style heist of it

Delight No. 1: @DanHopp inviting me on THE THRILL OF DEFEAT to talk about the pain of growing up a Knicks fan! Delight No. 2: Finding out I'd be joined by my dear friend @netw3rk! This was more fun than should be legal: 🍎: https://t.co/MT6htfeJBb ✳️:

had a great time talking 49ers with @DanHopp on the Thrill of Defeat!

Johnny’s famous catchphrase

Talked to the very funny @BronzeHammer about his beloved Tennessee Titans, from the highs of the Music City Miracle to the lows of everything after the Music City Miracle. Fun time!

Whenever characters are like “We’ve been waiting an hour and a half for this guy! Oh great, FINALLY here he comes” I’m like, whew, lucky they started the scene here

My mom ordered my daughter a Cookie Monster doll as a surprise and I opened my door to see this. Muppet mob sending a message

anyone poaches any of my teenage masseuses, they're off the christmas card list

Talked to the great @DownGoesBrown and @cullenthecomic about the unique misery of being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, and having an entire country hate your team ALMOST as much as you do. It was fun (for me!)

I saw Manchester By The Sea at the Arclight with the director present and some lady brought her corgi, who loudly drank water for the entire scene where Casey Affleck weeps over his dead brother, and I couldn’t stop laughing and everyone who heard me and not the dog got SO mad

4 in 5 Canadians are interested in eggs outside of breakfast - if you are skeptical about this then you can consult the footnote

Ghislaine: For your birthday, I compiled a book of personalized letters from dozens of your closest pedophiles! Next Guy (got him an Instant Pot): damn…

Reading the Where’s Waldo audiobook and they’re just describing each person individually then try to slip “Waldo” in there real fast but I HEARD IT

The most viral tweets now are someone going “Serious question: what do men even eat for dinner?” and 9 million quote tweets replying “LMAOOO imagine never having heard of meals”

Grok, can you give me some fun movie-themed appetizer names for my Oscar party? GROK:

they caught scooby doo on a hot mic talking normal