Chris Cairns.
@ComedyCairns
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Dad/Husband/Grandpappy & Laughterhouse MC. Dabbler in the Comedic Arts. Former Meff.
Laughterhouse Liverpool
Joined October 2011
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
Flashback from when I was the coolest Dad in Portugal a few years ago. 😎
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My lil Mum Brenda died this evening after over a week in the Royal hospital Liverpool. A grim building if there ever was one. Just looking at the place makes me shudder after many visits this week mainly in the early hrs after getting a phone call asking us..
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I was just playing Call of Duty and all the soldiers stopped fighting and started playing FIFA.
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Greggs staff filling a Steak bake just before the lunch time rush.
This is how geologists collect lava samples from an active volcano.
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I don’t know what William Shakespeare has done but Evertonians want him out!!
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Heres my little Mum Brenda meeting her Great grandson Teddy for the first time. She moaned that she didn’t have make up on as I took the picture. I’m glad I did. She was lovely. God I’ll miss her. Goodnight Ma. X 💔
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Just walking the dogs but I’m about to learn the answer to an very age old question... 🐓
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I’ve drawn at least 17 comedy knobs on cars on the dog walk to the park. I regret nothing…
#noyougrowup
🎅🏻
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For those of you who are worried that the next Dr Who will be female,relax. It's a fucking kids tv programme. It really doesn't matter. 😀
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@TwopTwips
Old people.While food shopping today please ensure you block the food aisles at 90 degree angles while talking/asking about Jean.
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Saying my final goodbye to me little Mum today. I’m carrying the coffin with people well over 6 ft tall. This has Mr Bean mishap written all over it. She’d have found this very amusing. Love you Babe. ❤️
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This is just a big thank you to all in the NHS. You deserve more than you get and you have my eternal gratitude.
@LivHospitals
❤️
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My Mum who sadly passed a few weeks ago made us promise to get my Dad a dog after she went so say hello to Mabel! ❤️🐶❤️
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@DaveJCritchley
@milocomedy
@ManCity
All joking aside. I defy anyone to walk away not feeling a few inches taller after taking to him. So good to see someone so talented doing so well. Absolute class act. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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Theres a special place in Hell for people who leave the foil on the margarine…
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I won’t lie. Wiping my arse with pasta is harder than I thought it’d be. 😬
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WARNING!! Do NOT buy a 3 piece suite at DFS! A friend of a friend who works there says that they are planning a HUGE sale on New Years Day with up to 50% off! They are keeping it quiet but I think people should know. RT for awareness.
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@Avengers
Yeah but nobody is mentioning how great it was after the snap (after a respectable mourning period of course) Empty roads, no queuing up anymore, Xmas shopping SO much easier now etc...
#thanoswasright
👏🏻
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What football fans need to realise is that footballers don’t love your club. You love your club. To them it’s like leaving Boots to work in Superdrug’s. Barring a few exceptions (Local lads) they don’t give a toss. Let them go. Move on and support the ones who want to be there.
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To the angry couple who were just knocked back at the B&Q in Speke retail park for refusing to wear a mask (they wont be muzzled apparently?!) and shouted “Your grouting is shit anyway!” As a parting shot, well you guys have made my weekend. 😷
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Jeez this Coronavirus is massive!! No wonder it’s doing so much damage?!? 😷 🦠
#cornoravirusuk
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I hope the bible thumpers who told my 13 yr old daughter that she was going to Hell yesterday at Liverpool Pride spend as much time kicking off on the doorsteps of the many nonces who seem to represent the church? Doubt it though? 🙏🏼
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RIP Our Lil Ferb. He didn’t do tricks and was soft as a mop. Didn’t seem to know what was going on most of the time. But he knew when you were sad and gave you the best loves in the world. Rest in peace me little mate. Will be missed. 💔
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My grandson Teddy looking at me the same way I look at the menu in the Chippy.
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Say Hi to my (shudders) Grandson!! Little Teddy Bruce Wayne Logan MasterChief Optimus Lobo Kal El Jurgen Deathstroke Christopher Cairns. Born this very day at a respectable 6lbs 10 oz. Mum and son doing well. Merry Christmas everyone. ❤️👶🏼❤️
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All Roofers and guttering specialists this morning... 💰
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A issue as they tirelessly tried to keep a women they’d never met out of pain and in our lives as if she was their Mum as well. After over a week she passed and they did everything to make it as comfortable as possible. These people are actual heroes. We can’t thank them enough
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Well I’m officially Toxteths oldest Grandad at the grand old age of 47!! Hi Teddy!! ❤️👶🏼❤️
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My little (big) mate Dewayne died of Covid on Friday. I’ve known him since he was a kid from when I worked in Forbidden Planet years ago. He didn’t have a bad bone in his body and I’ll miss him a lot. A heart breaking loss for all that knew him. A true gent. So long brother. 💔
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At this point I’m assuming Donald Trumps make up is done by a team of rough as fuck pissed scally girls from Huyton who tell him he looks ‘Dead lush’ every time he goes out... 😬
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6 people are allowed to meet up. Snow White must be gutted...💔
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Yay! Took him to the Vets and his chip told us his name is Archie! Owner notified and en route to pick him up as we speak! Happy ending! ❤️🐶👍🏻
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@JacobAWohl
@AdelleNaz
I will pay bigly money to see an interview with him speaking Farsi...
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To come down as the staff thought she wouldn’t make the night but all 5ft nothing of her fought on with the aid of what can only be described as the super human efforts of the staff in the ICU who witness such misery I can only assume they’re sent here from Heaven itself to
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Look after us at our worst times of need. Night after night Doctors would sit us down and explain what they would try and my God they’d try and the humility and kindness they showed us will never fail to stagger me. They’d literally apologise for making us wait as if that was
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I hope all his washing goes into a duvet cover in the dryer and its all damp.
#MildlyCurseRishiSunak
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The ridiculously brilliant Mr Hawke being utterly boss as per. Couldn’t be happier for his success. Top act, exceptional bloke. 👏🏻
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Conservative voters are like celebrity pedophiles, you knew there were a few but now realise there are loads of the bastards!!
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Can we all have a minutes laughter for elephant hunter Theunis Botha who was crushed by the elephant that fell on him after he shot it. 🐘💀
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Now that the pubs are open I can’t wait to not go into a Wetherspoons! Why the fuck would you? So many boss boozers about and you get people going into that Tory Thundercats gaff. Fuck rah off. 🍺
#fuckspoons
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As a former Meff myself (poor) if you knew what it was like to have fuck all (and know it) as a child you’d do everything in your power as an adult to prevent it happening to anybody else. You think Boris and his lackeys have ever gone without in their lives? Actual monsters.
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Just did a drive by in the park past my 16 yr old daughter and all her mates doing the Robot whilst Intergalactic boomed out of my lecky Unicycle. My job as a Father is done now. I’m leaving for my home planet. 😎
#shameofit
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Shitty year but ended up being a Grandad to this cheeky little chomper. All the very best to all the lovely chums both in life and on this app. You’ve made it easier than you know. Be good people. ❤️
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This lil meff might have been a bolt out of the blue but I can’t imagine life without me little bezzy mate now. ❤️
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People saying Esther McVey hasn’t got what it takes to lead the Conservative Party are wrong. She’s a fucking monster who would step on the neck of anyone in her way to be in power and couldn’t give a shit about the population. She’s ideal for the job.
#EstherMcVey
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I think Maggie Thatcher should be on the new £50 note. A picture at the end of her life in a puddle of her own piss. Face contorted in the same pain she inflicted on millions of people she hatefully disregarded so every time you got one you could enjoy her demise all over again.
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Lil Ted looks cute right now but he’s farting like a bastard… 😋💨
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The face of a man who’s just sneezed and sharted but knows he’s living his best life. 😳💩
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Just found the bathroom looking like Santas Grotto with easily 5 toilet rolls shredded to bits. Now to figure out the culprit...🤔
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Cosmic Scousers “Lad they’re coming for your kids and they’re gonna harvest your DNA lad! Don’t let them test you you lad!” Mate, you work in Shoe Express in Birkenhead and you’re hardly Captain America they don’t want your dna and your kids are a nightmare. Take the tin hat off.
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“Mum, Mum I’m in a national newspapers!” Is it for your comedy? Charity work? “I webbed a seagull in the kite...” 😔
#selfdefence
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To the young lady who walked into me whilst I was stood still leaning over the promenade looking out to the majestic Mersey River and she was engrossed on her phone which smashed quite spectacularly and then insisted that I should pay for the damages I’d just like to thank her..
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This Swedish chocolate bar may also be the most Scouse sounding treat of all time.
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WARNING!
1. Bunting in your street?
2. Pictures of sausage fingered mildly inbred royals in the bay windows?
3. Union Jack flags adorned houses?
You may be living near a CONSERVATIVE!!
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What kind of fucking monster discovered this?!?
One of the most expensive and sought after coffees in the world is called "Kopi Luwak" or Civet Coffee. It's made from Coffee Cherries literally pooped out by an Asian Civet. The digestion process causes the bean to ferment making them an extraordinary quality.
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5 years ago today I made
@PaulaHarri
the happiest women alive by making her my wife. I’m as gorgeous and sexy as the day we met and shes lucky to have me. She must thank the Gods each day just looking at me knowing just how boss I truly am. Happy anniversary Bub. ❤️
#bestmrs
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Watching The Muppets Christmas Carol and Miss Piggies and Kermits kids are either frogs or pigs?! Surely at least one of them should be some kind of hideous frog/pig hybrid longing for the sweet release of death? 🐽 🐸 🚫
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@angiesliverpool
This baby somehow looks like he’s on his 2nd marriage and sees his kids every other weekend In McDonalds...
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“It was only when I tried to google Northern Ireland border controls post Brexit that I’d inadvertently typed “Dirtbox Gloryhole Milfs vol 4” that I’d realised my mistake”
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Your Elf name is nothing as Elves aren’t real. Grow the fuck up you ming. 🎅🏻
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@robrouse
Thanks mate. It was her birthday on Monday (Valentine’s day) and you know what some nurse/Dr had done? Tied heart balloons and a card from the staff!! These people who work harder than I’ve ever seen people work in the most dire of situations took time out for this incredible..
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First show back from New Year knowing our Pete Fitz won’t be back to show manage. Going to miss you mate. Have put a pint on the lightbox like you always did. He didn’t give a fuck about health & safety but he was one of lifes top blokes. Will miss you bud. 🍺💔
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Not a big shock that Jacamo in Liverpool One has closed. It was on the 2nd floor at the end and far away from the escalator. If it was on the ground floor next to the Greggs it’d still be there and booming.
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If you are singing songs about human beings dying in horrific accidents because you support a different football team to somebody then you are not a football fan. You are a fucking abomination and a disgrace to your club.
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