Clue Heywood
@ClueHeywood
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leaving it all out on the field for Season 14 of Clue Heywood, just in case it's not renewed. clueheywood @gmail .com
Arizona, USA
Joined March 2009
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This is my first rodeo. What kind of animal is that. Who's that guy in the barrel. What's up with the timer. What the fuck is going on here.
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Love putting my Peloton bike in the most striking area of my ultra-modern $3 million house
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My Dad's high school "drug talk" with me was just a story about two guys in his platoon who smoked weed and fell asleep outside the wire, and the VC slit their throats and cut off their dicks. So whenever I smoked weed in Cave Creek, Arizona, I always kept watch for the Viet Cong
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From our Vietnam trip: our guide popped out of a VC tunnel to jokingly scare the vets. Dad yelled at him for 10 min.
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Sometimes I’ll move the Peloton bike into our gallery so I can spend time with my half gay husband while he reads Architectural Digest wearing combat boots
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Probably the worst thing about putting a Peloton bike in my spotless huge kitchen is when my dumb kid interrupts the workout. Where is Consuela? She has one job!
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This makes sense. Because it certainly couldn’t be that I’m in my late forties and had four bourbon rocks followed by 11 beers and 14 heaters last night.
Hangovers suddenly worse? Researchers think COVID could be the cause
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I had my carpenter build a $9,000 finished wood riser for my Peloton bike in my glass-enclosed zen garden/home gym
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the Democratic Party establishment summed up in three texts
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When we visited my parents for Christmas I had to put my Peloton bike right in the living room, they didn’t have a home gym or a conservatory or anything ugh
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The Cardinals’ guard just turned around and sacked Kyler Murray. This is gonna be a long year.
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Imagine being an NFL neurologist and they tell you to determine if an Italian suffered a head injury, impossible task imo
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My Peloton is in the living room because it’s my favorite work of art aside from the turquoise marble peacock I keep in the fireplace.
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You might ask why the windows in front of these Pelotons are so small. Unfortunately space on the yacht is limited and the gym is near the waterline. We manage.
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I put my Peloton bike in the center of the panoramic living room window in my New York penthouse
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This is absolutely unacceptable Peloton placement. This appears to be a basement and not a solarium, conservatory, grotto, inglenook, or rumpus room.
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I took my Peloton bike to Europe and used it on the balcony of our $2,000/night Airbnb and honestly I felt like I was flying over London, you should try it
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My bright and airy sunroom is a great place for the Peloton bike. I leave the arcadia door ajar so I feel like I’m actually riding a bicycle...outside!
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Sometimes I let the nanny ride my Peloton. But the solarium is my space, so she only can ride in the garage and only when she’s disciplining my children.
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Last year we painstakingly remodeled a midcentury modern house in the hills, including furniture from the period. Then I put my Peloton bike right in the middle of the living room.
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A good place for your Peloton bike is between your kitchen and your living room facing the cactus garden so you always remember virtual spin class
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My husband says it’s a fire hazard to have the Peloton bike blocking the doors from the living room to the veranda. He doesn’t understand that the Peloton bike will be the first thing I save.
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In the mornings, after my housekeeper meticulously makes my bed, I like to ride my Peloton bike in the window of my high rise and literally look down my nose at people.
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Some people tell me that I should put my living room here because of the amazing view. I have to question their priorities. Who on earth spends more time on their couch than on their Peloton bike?
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I have a Peloton at home, at work, and also one placed by the ocean-facing living room windows of our four bedroom beach cottage
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going to hell for how much I’m laughing at this news photo, it’s basically a real life Far Side cartoon
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The picture windows at our chalet provide breathtaking views from the Peloton bike. In the living room set behind it, all you can see is the Peloton bike.
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I put the Peloton bike in the kitchen of our loft so I can get a workout and also cook the vegan three-bean tortilla soup recipe I downloaded from Goop.
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Ironic that “Peloton” means a group of cyclists when my favorite way to cycle is alone in the guest house living room at our Brentwood mansion.
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Our architect suggested a Peloton nook for our pied-à-terre. They do not belong in nooks. They belong where an observatory would be, if you didn’t own a Peloton.
We fired him.
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Josh Rosen’s Twitter banner is him on the Dolphins, his bio says he’s a Buccaneer, he’s suiting up for the Niners today, and facing the Cardinals who drafted him tenth overall just 2.5 years ago
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The most realistic part of Forrest Gump was when he graduated from the University of Alabama
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Kind of want Dechambeau to win so next years champions dinner is just HGH and raw meat
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The debate between Hunter Biden and Donald Trump Jr will be held at 4am in a bathroom stall
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@piersmorgan
@ThomasGalvin
Yeah I wish she’d actually worked a service job. Teaches you a lot, including humility. You should learn what that word means, Piers.
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(Walks into Boebert’s restaurant) yeah I’ll try the dry rub
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This viral tweet has really messed with my head. Like, do I go home to my wife and child? Or do I leave this Phoenix dive bar and drive straight west? Start a new life in Hollywood? I don’t want it to change me but I also need to monetize this, ride the wave.
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Look I don’t want to be “The Peloton Ad Guy” anymore but the newest commercial about the vlogging 116 lb woman’s YEARLONG fitness journey to becoming a 112 lb woman who says “I didn’t realize how much this would change me” is just ri-god-damn-diculous. Come on.
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@KrangTNelson
There was a time when if you saw a like or (gasp!) a retweet from a verified account it was kind of, sadly, a thrill looking to see what person of note liked your tweet. Now you see a check and you’re like “great is my tweet going to be in the next Charlie Kirk outrage podcast?”
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Speakers at the RNC:
6-7: Scott Baio
7-7:30: The St Louis Gun Couple
7:30-8:30: MyPillow Guy
8:30-9:00: 1/4 of the original Marshall Tucker Band plays
9:00-10:00 (keynote): Robosaurus
Afterparty: Curt Schilling reads Ayn Rand
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When your bank that got a $12 billion bailout suggests you’re the one who’s financially irresponsible
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@ScottAdamsSays
It’s true. Federal Rule of Criminal Procedure 23(a) gives the government 48 hours to justify search warrants to the Dilbert Guy
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Patriots fans.
Things that didn’t exist when Tom Brady played in his first Super Bowl:
iPhone
Android
Facebook
YouTube
MySpace
Instagram
Tesla
Spotify
Skype
Twitter
LinkedIn
Gmail
Uber
Airbnb
Google Maps
iTunes Store
SoundCloud
Nintendo Wii
Dropbox
Hashtags
SpaceX
Reddit
Fitbit
GoPro
iPad
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Jed York: "Jim, you're fired"
Jim Tomsula: (nods, hands over his badge and gun)
Jed York: "holy shit Jim who gave you these?"
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Chicago: let’s eat shitty pizza soup out of an old bucket
Philly: our finest restaurant is also a gas station
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I’ve hit 20k followers, now I can tweet shit like “is blood a pizza sauce lol” and get 100 likes, this web site is trash
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@aubrey_huff
@BernieSanders
@realDonaldTrump
@NRA
@WatchChad
Hi Aubrey I own guns and know how to use them too and this is really fucking stupid and irresponsible, maybe turn off the News Designed to Scare You and emerge from your bunker once in a while
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There's a massive fire in the office building next to mine. People who are evacuating are jaywalking. Just called the police to report it.
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My Dad also told us kids that the recline button on airplane armrests was an ejection button. When we acted up, he'd reach for the button and we'd shut up real quick. We really believed he was gonna murder us.
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At Arizona State they literally have a class on hanging out
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Steely Dan’s album Gaucho turned 40 over the weekend, which means it’s time for Gaucho to get really into Steely Dan
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I often think about an animal finding out how little their meat is sold for. Imagine being a chicken and finding out your entire roasted body is just $4.99 at Costco. That would suck. Not as much as being butchered, but still.
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I asked my Dad to come along on multiple Cub Scout camping trips and he’d always respond with “no, I did enough camping IN VIETNAM!”
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Have to agree that Seinfeld couldn’t make a funny sitcom today but that’s mostly because after 120 episodes of Curb I now know who the funny one was
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I think Ohtani should be suspended. In fact, suspend the entire Dodgers team. Contract the organization. Let Dodger Stadium turn fallow, and be reclaimed by the Earth.
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Probably the most realistic part of Forrest Gump was when he graduated from the University of Alabama.
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“I Didn’t Cum on my Cat” is by far the worst Dr. Seuss book
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@BarstoolBigCat
Marketing idea: Hide Billy somewhere in America with $250k on him. He tweets hints with his usual childlike wonder. First person to find him and defeat him in combat gets to keep it.
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ESPN’s College GameDay crew are the first people ever to go to James Madison without applying to UVA first
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It is objectively hilarious that Martha McSally’s new election year memoir is called “Dare to Fly” when Mark Kelly went to SPACE
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I truly cannot believe it. After years of harassing the
@CoorsLight
social media team about the Beer Wolf, they not only brought him back, they sent me the ENTIRE BEER WOLF COLLECTION. This might be the happiest day of my life, and I hope this means the restraining order is moot.
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Starbucks barista wrote “fucking pig” on my cup and when I explained I’m not a cop she said “I know, you’re just disgusting”
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@PFTCommenter
PFT I’ve followed you for a very very long time, and as a grill guy, the black & white steak photos is probably your most maddening bit yet, just wanted to say congrats
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Congrats to Rush Limbaugh on one year sober, we’re all rooting for you
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Cam Newton is determined to build a freeway through Toontown
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Kirk Cousins looks like a youth pastor who isn’t connecting with the kids so he puts on sunglasses and tries to rap about the 10 Commandments
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Amazed at the ultra high end restaurants on delivery apps right now. Yeah I’d like a 45-day dry aged tomahawk for $195, but I want it brought to me in the trunk of a 2008 Sonata
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Lots of you people are making fun of this guy but when you’re at Subway you never know if those sons of bitches from Blimpie are gonna show up in an armored vehicle
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Been sent this 59 times today; co-opting the term “dive bar” is offensive. A rare few new bars get the aesthetic and attitude correct, and even they don’t call themselves “dive bars” at open. You *become* a dive bar, you do not label yourself one. My culture is not your costume.
The coolest new bar is now open in Midtown. Hidden Gem by the owners of Golden Gems is a disco dive bar. Love everything about this spot. Excited to go dance and try the cocktails!
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Tesla truck looks like a Cub Scout’s deadbeat dad didn’t help him with the Pinewood Derby car.
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The Four Seasons Total Landscaping thing might be the funniest shit this incompetent administration has gifted us over the last four years. The writers have really outdone themselves.
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@Olivia7News
nooo, the minute you touch him you leave your human scent, now the mother will reject him
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