kind of dope that this might be the profound revelation in human history and i'm hearing it on the toilet and immediately scrolling past to look at something funnier
I was feeling jealous and angry after hearing that the beautiful Julia Fox went on a date with the mercurial, strange Kanye West. So I put on a suit to remind myself of my own mission and goals. That’s the power of quality menswear!
BREAKING:
@NYCSanitation
hires
@McKinsey
to do a comprehensive study on what NYC needs to finally get trash off the sidewalk (couldn't we have just called the mayor of Barcelona?):
I went out for drinks with my gf. She insisted on bringing her girls. They called me a bum and a loser when I sent out Venmo charges. What do you think? 🤔
There is nobody scarier than someone who could meditate 15 hours a day for 6 months with a monk and come out of it wanting to post engagement bait Twitter threads
I literally texted my landlord over 48 hours ago asking her to install a brick pizza oven before my dinner party this weekend and it's not even close to done. Shit like this makes me understand Mao
I’m in Sephora telling women they don’t need this expensive crap. You’re already beautiful!
—
Aaand I’m being kicked out of the store. Real classy, Sephora.
—
Turns out my fly was down and most of my scrotum was visible, plus some of the tip. My apologies to all involved!
Me: if my girlfriend found out about this she’d kill me lol. She gets mad jealous when I’m alone with a beautiful woman
Vice President Harris: this is a dream
I’m at my friend from Brooklyn’s bachelor party. We’re in a stretch Prius on the way to the safe space. The groom has had too much oat kombucha. A non-binary professor came out of a giant cake to lecture us.
Go to the poop restaurant. Have a bowl of poop. Have two. Wash it down with diarrhea. Take a shit. Don't wipe. Talk to the guy next to you about poop. Enjoy the ride.
The poverty in New York is staggering. I saw a guy in Times Square who couldn’t afford any clothes. Literally naked except for a cowboy hat and guitar. And these assholes just lined up take pictures instead of giving him something to wear.
[at the deli in Reykjavik]
Halló ock! Let me get sheep's head and boiled cured testicle loaf on bread cooked in the ground near a geyser! Side of fermented shark! And you know I can't forget the cumin vodka!
We went to hibachi with my liberal cousin and he missed the shrimp three times and his girlfriend had to ask the chef to do it one more time because he had been excited all day to catch one and then he missed it again
Some context: in American culture, rats are considered highly undesirable. Finding a rat in your soup would be inappropriate and off-putting for most people.
Catastrophic Implosion of a submersible explained:
When a submarine hull collapses, it moves inward at about 1,500 miles per hour - that’s 2,200 feet per second.
The time required for complete collapse is 20 / 2,200 seconds = about 1 millisecond.
A human brain responds
Late night at Drake’s house. We’re all on the couch. Liquor in my system. Someone starts freestyling. It comes to me and I sing a crazy hook that silences the room. Nobody knew I had a voice like that. Including me.
Brooklyn comedy finally answers the question, “What if Jerry Seinfeld went to a private four year university , had no work ethic, and was exposed to hardcore internet pornography in his early years?”
Drake copped a new custom diamond necklace called “Previous Engagement” made of 42 engagement rings, representing the 42 times he thought of proposing to different women but he decided not to‼️😳🔥💎
a "good" spotify wrapped is one of the biggest red flags. it shows you are living for others, even in your private moments. it's a charade. your wrapped should be tasteless and fundamentally embarrassing.
the best disc golfers I knew were aggro construction workers who smoked dabs on the course and drank malt liquor in the parking lot. they know that if they speak on this, they will lose the custody battle.