Allie Goertz
@AllieGoertz
Followers
59,437
Following
872
Media
4,533
Statuses
24,923
Making a Nine Inch Nails cover album. #NINPeeledBack .
hell
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
SUPERTRAMP: take a look at my girlfriend
ME: can do
SUPERTRAMP: don’t you look at my girlfriend!!!
ME: what’s happening
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Is this how idiots acted when seatbelts were invented? They protested over their right to die in a crash? My god. WEAR THE MASK.
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I’ve been wearing the same pants for eight years
Kate Middleton re-wears blue Alexander McQueen coat for fourth time
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Lucille Bluth is one of the funniest characters of all time. Rest in peace, Jessica Walter.
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The Congressman who tried to insult me by saying he'd never marry me (lol) has been accused of creating a sex game with 'points' for sleeping with staff. Hey
@MattGaetz
, how many points do you get for fucking yourself?
If it’s any comfort...I can promise you’ll never have my last name.
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*accidentally breaks the glass ceiling*
Oh my god I’m SO sorry.
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Now promise you’ll never drive your dad’s car drunk again, Matt.
If it’s any comfort...I can promise you’ll never have my last name.
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Years of wondering if I’m bi could have been avoided had I not missed school the day we watched this movie.
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Why do so many of my ex-boyfriends look like Angelica's dad from Rugrats?
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I’ll say more later. For now, I’ll just share the types of “funny” DMs Justin Roiland would send me. (Posted and deleted this last night because I was worried about any backlash. But this dude made ME - someone who wrote a Rick & Morty concept album - never watch his show again)
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[2040, a man in his 40's is out with a younger woman.]
MAN: Now how does someone YOUR age know Charlie Bit My Finger?
WOMAN: I guess I'm just an old soul.
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For anyone who doesn't know, a "Mary Sue" is an idealized and seemingly perfect fictional character. You know, like Super Man, but *bad* because it's a female.
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John Snow didn’t pet his wolf goodbye and you guys want him as your KING??
#GameofThrones
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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Day after my 21st birthday, I threw up in front of him at the Hotel Roosevelt and he said “been there” 💚
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I finally saw THOR RAGNORAK and I can’t believe I slept on one of the funniest and most action packed movies I’ve ever seen. (I love Taika and assumed it would be good. It was just even better than I expected.)
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Let us all agree: No movie remakes are to be made without first approaching the Muppets for involvement.
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Sorry I’m late, I still don’t know how long it takes to shower
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She’ll be riding six white horses when she comes? My god what a WOMAN.
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Max Landis is afraid of me because I publicly tell people what a bad guy he is, so when he once saw I was at the same bar as him, he ran away, like the cartoon villain he is, to a Beetlejuice themed bar across the street.
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So the
#StimulusBill
is a one-time payment of $1200. There is no rent freeze, no student debt relief, we still have utility bills, and this is TAXED income. We won't receive this check until May. Most of us are screwed.
I want President Sanders so much.
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Truly and sincerely: Down with homework.
My feelings on this have not changed since I was a student. I don’t think kids should have homework (aside from the occasional class project), and no school should start before 9am.
Who is this tweet for? I’m not sure!
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I’m going to live my life as though the spread of Covid-19 could kill me or people I love.
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Let Kaepernick endorse guns so MAGA folks will throw them away.
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How long have you been dating?
Well, we first met around the time of the Tide Pods challenge... hooked up around Lady Doritos... Got a little more serious come Shower Rat... we MUST have been exclusive by Laurel and Yanny... Or was it IHOB.
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In high school, my ex boyfriend intentionally destroyed my cherished stuffed animal named Bunny. It was cruel and I was devastated. Today, my dad surprised me with a replica. I’ve looked for one for years and know how hard it was to track down. I’m so incredibly happy.
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*to the tune of Let’s Dance by David Bowie*
🎵sweat pants🎵
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Wanna feel old? This is what Neville Longbottom looks like NOW.
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Feeling behind in life? Frodo was 51 years old when he joined the Fellowship of the Ring.
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If you've ever thought, "Why did she stay in an abusive relationship?" Ask yourself if you've stayed at a shitty job longer than you should.
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For those who don't know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
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@HanaMichels
As your friend I say, “fuck them” but as your roommate I say, “they have a point.”
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If Brian Wilson and Al Jardine aren't gonna be there (they aren't), Trump isn't going to a Beach Boys concert. He's going to a Mike Love concert.
President Trump will visit Newport Beach today to raise money for his cash-strapped campaign.
The event will feature a live performance by the Beach Boys and tickets start at $2,800 per person, up to $150,000 per couple for co-chair status.
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Fellow white people,
If during this last week or so, you've gotten tired of explaining Racism 101 to your less informed white friends, think of how our Black and brown friends feel!
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I just got a library card!
I can’t believe I hadn’t utilized my local library until now. In addition to the obvious, they have graphic novels, audiobooks, movies, access to WiFi, printing, Microsoft Office. All for free!
P.S. Don’t give me a wedgie. I’m cool!!!
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I can’t believe I can’t be with my family this Cyber Monday.
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I’m really disappointed that I didn’t immediately tweet, “there’s a horse in the hospital.” Congratulations to my superiors who tweeted it first.
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Just my luck. According to the new MoviePass terms, MoviePass is allowed to fuck my wife.
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The most Weezer shit I saw at the Weezer show was someone drawing the Weezer show
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You absolute ass.
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So Louis CK, TJ Miller, and Chris Hardwick walk into a comedy club...
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Tlaib: Using black people as a prop is racist.
Meadows: Excuse me, but my nieces and nephews are props!
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Happy to announce that I will be the new Editor at
@MADmagazine
. (Drawing by
@jujujulieta
)
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I don't see the point of making quieter "Lady Doritos" when I'm still gonna cum just as loud eating them.
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Personal growth is one of the most important aspects of human existence. When we cringe at our past it's because we've learned. If you've always been a perfect person, that's amazing. If you used to be a dirtbag and turned your life around? Hey, that's amazing.
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HE MAKES HER LAUGH, DANI.
Yearly reminder that Jessica Rabbit is a human who fucks a rabbit.
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I like the idea that Arya was only asking Gendry how many women he’s been with so she didn’t waste her virginity on some virgin.
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The picture I take of myself vs the picture of me that ends up on the family Christmas card
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BAD GUY: I'm under arrest? But how did you find me?!
POLICE: We get notified anytime someone "skips intro" while watching Cheers on Netflix.
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What’s a POPULAR song you’ll never get tired of? Nothing obscure. Mine is Just What I Needed
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Two pics of my cat in this pose for anyone who needs it.
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I will never find another job, be creative, or be happy again.
*gets a good night sleep*
I AM GOD'S GREATEST GIFT
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I'm trying really hard to need less external validation. How am I doing so far?
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“I came here to chew bubblegum and”
“Wait you CAME here to chew gum? Hey getta load of this guy- he DRIVES places to chew gum!”
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Scott Adam’s wife was 1 year old when he created Dilbert at age 31.
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It’s time for Gaetz to leave congress. If this tweet made you laugh, donate a buck or two to his Dem opponent
@philehr
using my custom donation link.
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People are saying this is “the moment Jon knew he fucked up,” but let’s admit this is basically the only expression he’s made all series...
#GameOfThrones
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Before the DJ Khaled news, I didn’t realize Alf was a hero.
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Thanks to my dad for ordering me the best shirt in the entire world.
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ME: its actually Daylight Saving. Not “savings”. It’s not a bank account. Ha.
*cop tightens handcuffs*
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Deeply saddened about Paul Ryan, whom I greatly respect and admire. He was nice enough to take this photo with me once.
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I can’t believe grocers and restaurant staff - the people who are risking their lives so we could keep eating during a pandemic - are seen by some as not deserving a $15 minimum wage.
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I truly can't wrap my head around the hypocrisy of all these fuckers get vaccinated.
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I got these glasses and haircut because I didn’t think I looked enough like a Steely Dan fan.
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People who refer to the $600 additional unemployment as a “disincentive for people to go back to work”...
1) What work?!
2) If we all had livable wages, we might not need so much help.
3) Everyone should be incentivized to stay home so we can stop the spread of the virus!
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This
#InternationalMensDay
, I hope we can encourage men to express their emotions, show vulnerability, and find no shame in going to therapy.
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Know-abuser TJ Miller was booked on a beloved comedy show that's hosted and produced by people I've only known to be sweet and caring. It's baffling. Please stop booking abusers. It sends a message that victims don't matter and that fame is more important than integrity.
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I would like an app that filters social media to only show calming content before bed, please.
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Hey people with kids, if you haven't already done this, show your kids Looney Tunes.
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Messaged a guy with a Before Sunrise pic on his dating profile (seemed like a green flag) and it went like this
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Oh my god this fireworks finale just spelled out ABOLISH ICE in red white and blue fireworks. Pretty!!!
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I may have been publicly shamed for my struggle with sobriety by a Hearst, but nothing can change that I’m seeing Mission Impossible tonight, baby!
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I don't believe in women needing to take their husband's last name except in the case of "Grimes Musk."
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I've never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
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When I got my braces off, I celebrated by having my closest friends over to eat celebratory corn and the cob so no, I don’t know where the after party is.
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Guys, I love you all. (don’t read this unless you’re nice)
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I’ll be honest, anytime I wear this mask I instantly regret it.
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Of COURSE Weird Al is a good person. He may be the ONLY good person.
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the girl who used to eat my hair in middle school just got engaged at disneyland. good for her.
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Watching Seinfeld. Realized I’m dressed like Elaine which she becomes George.
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"It's hard to believe Chloe would try for months to get back with him if she was being emotionally and sexually abused." Hard disagree from me! I once begged my abuser to stay because he convinced me he was the only one who'd love me. Just sayin'!
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My dad just gifted me this drawing my late Grandpa Don did when he was my age. If anyone needs me, I’ll be gently weeping until the end of time!
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I keep thinking about Dan Harmon’s incredible apology and how Megan Ganz publicly and graciously forgave him. This movement is about growth, not just weeding out people for their missteps. We all fuck up. It’s how you handle yourself after that counts.
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@channiescloud_
@devincf
Oh my god they can’t STAND that he is more powerful and it shows. So satisfying.
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