Zahid Dewji
@zahiddewji
Followers
1,436
Following
684
Media
548
Statuses
8,007
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
TLP HOT WRIST INTERTWINED
• 350659 Tweets
#ปิ่นภักดิ์EP8
• 341869 Tweets
#ゲースト
• 169882 Tweets
#SingaporeGP
• 161089 Tweets
XIAO ZHAN RISING MOON CONCERT
• 154543 Tweets
#GameofSixTONES
• 149125 Tweets
Lewis
• 84421 Tweets
Lando
• 82399 Tweets
ジャック
• 60575 Tweets
Colapinto
• 58111 Tweets
ぱしゃっつ
• 37612 Tweets
BBS KAI
• 31006 Tweets
McLaren
• 28088 Tweets
ツイステ
• 23953 Tweets
BBS JARREN
• 21807 Tweets
SPILL THE FEELS NEW VER 01
• 20187 Tweets
Ricciardo
• 18592 Tweets
コンパス
• 18153 Tweets
Brighton
• 18056 Tweets
Happy Fall
• 15842 Tweets
Albon
• 15627 Tweets
Fate復刻
• 12985 Tweets
#キン肉マン
• 12262 Tweets
Last Seen Profiles
I moved back to nyc last wk to write on
@FallonTonight
! It is cool & I am excited 🦚
#tonightshow
#jimmyfallon
#nbc
#himom
15
9
134
this isn’t funny. racial slur + stereotypical accent + calling the audience “race traitors” for enjoying comedy from an Asian American. this is open mic level shit from a national headliner. Fuck this.
Last week in Austin, I got to bring up Tony Hinchcliffe. This is what he said. Happy Asian (AAPI) Heritage Month!
2K
2K
11K
2
5
72
9 years of comedy today. No mgmt, no agent, no jfl, no hair, no rules, just right. Outback.
4
1
75
I will never be as funny as the guy who suggested feathers in “tar and feathering”
2
16
61
Sorry if i haven’t responded back to your 9/11 texts today, my phone’s been on airplane mode.
1
12
62
"Can you roast some sweet potatoes for dinner?"
"No problem. Hey sweet potatoes, people only pretend to like you."
1
14
42
Everyon has a therapist now. Life is so hard it literally takes two people per person.
2
5
44
here’s one of my jokes about
@DanSoder
that made it onto
@Shanemgillis
set for the
@luisjgomez
roast at
#skankfestsouth
in
#houston
💫
0
4
48
googled can pregnant women use the HOV lane. Turns out “foetuses are generally not considered passengers until they are born”. even the dmv doesn’t think life begins at conception.
2
6
46
white people don’t like the discomfort that comes along with talking about race but will take a 3 hour hot yoga class twice a week.
1
5
37
I guess you could say I like my coffee like I like my lives that matter
1
13
39
Teens Moms is a real show but I dare them to make Teen Dads. Just like a dude on his mom’s patio smoking a roach whispering “Man. I don’t know bro.”
2
4
41
50 cent: “been hit with a few shells but I don’t walk with a limp”
The shells:
0
5
38
can you imagine if we actually defunded the police and made them get their own supplies like teachers?
2
19
34
I have spent a lot of today arguing with a company who accidentally put me a group chat and I went with it because I have the time.
9
3
32
If you want to legally take a life, you will now have to travel out of state just like Kyle Rittenhouse did.
1
5
28
“Yeah Elon musk is a genius if you spell genius with a p and no u… penis. I really miss being able to just knock em out of the park on Twitter.”
- Avery Moore, banned on Twitter
2
3
29
I’ll believe women are as horny as men when one shoots up a school.
4
1
31
Great. Got unfriended by a white Austin comic. How the hell am I gonna learn about racism now???
2
2
29
I stopped watching porn. Everyone is either someone’s step brother or step sister. Sorry, but I cant excuse nepotism in the workplace.
3
7
30
Love how paper straws don’t have time for your shit. They’re like look you got 17 mins to drink your drink or I’m out 🤷♂️
1
1
30
Comedy is basically us still doing recitals for our parents but they don’t show up.
1
3
29
Just like the puppy bowl, I want a puppy election channel as well.
0
6
33
In my
@FallonTonight
debut, I was cast as the role I was born to play: “Man Who Interrupts Important Thing.” Srsly tho, this was a lot of fun & I got to do it w my deskmate
@natashavaynblat
(offended wife). glad to be back.
2
2
32
A girl just called me “safe.” imagine thinking a 34 year old bald aspiring standup is the easy bet.
1
0
27
Not only am I not a comic's comic, I'm not even an audience's comic.
0
9
29
Saw white smoke coming out of a
@PapaJohns
& I thought they were electing a new Papa but unfortunately it was just burning down.
0
8
23
The human body is incredible. The fact that I can sit in a tub and the hole in my butt doesn’t allow my body to fill up with water is wonderful.
4
7
29
My dads addicted to the new strawberry frostys from Wendy’s. He just took a big bite and under his breath said, “I love this shit.”
1
1
29
I recently came into some money. Ruined a completely good $20 bill.
2
3
24
Handjobs, blowjobs. So many jobs, I get why it’s called sex work. I wish I wasn’t out here doing it pro-boner! Alright that’s it for me.
1
1
28
Jussie Smollett masturbated with his attackers?! My audience won’t even buy merch.
0
2
28
Mothers Against Drunk Driving were all once Girlfriends That Are Fine With It.
0
3
29
"What's the show about?"
"A hospital."
"Which hospital?"
"Just like a... general hospital."
0
8
23
I don’t think anyone explained the rules of fuck, marry, kill correctly to OJ.
3
1
27
“There is something you should understand about the way I work. When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go. It's rather sad, really, but there it is.”
- Nanny McPhee
4
4
25
when I hear someone say “yay or neigh?” I’m assuming they’re asking “cocaine or kedamine?”
1
4
25
abortions shouldn't be illegal. they should be mandatory. this species is over. we had a good run.
1
0
27
If abortion is murder, my question is this: how do we turn that into a successful podcast?
1
1
22
I’m becoming more and more like my mom. My dad also doesn’t touch me anymore!
1
1
26
Dude at the coffee place just asked the cashier what’s on the egg n chz sandwich & the entire kitchen laughed in his face lol
1
0
23
Guns don’t kill people. Comedians telling jokes on stage kill people.
3
4
24
Addiction is never funny but gambling addiction is at least kinda. Like you love games a lot lol.
0
0
21
Really sucks about the writers strike bc I just came up with “90 Day Beyoncé.”
2
1
26
Relistening to that Shaggy song, and starting to think it actually was him.
1
2
27
Kids these days will never know the existential dread of getting on the wrong school bus in the nineties & accepting that you will never see your family again 🚍
1
0
23
I may not be the funniest comic of all time. or have a tv credit or stability in any sense of the the term. or have upcoming career prospects or have youth on my side.
1
5
22
Every time PBS was like “viewers like you” I was like yo wtf is that supposed to mean
1
4
25
The last time there was ICE in Texas, Ted Cruz was forcing *other* people’s families to go to Mexico.
3
6
25
Don’t think global warming is real? It’s now 8° of Kevin Bacon.
2
1
23
This couple is on a first date and the guy is eating his pizza with a fork & knife and he doesn’t know it yet but it’s over.
1
1
23
this badass just started following me on ig. I really like his energy 💫
1
2
22
a guy walked into
@SecretGroupHTX
while we were ponging™️ & said "damn yall are like forest gump from that movie" to which i said "oh which movie?" to which he responded condescendingly "uh forest gump. wtf bro." and THAT’S what it's like to do comedy in
#Houston
babyy!
1
3
23
It’s hard for Indians to care about pronouns when you can’t get our actual names right.
4
3
22
Oh it’s fine to order a Mexican Coke but people get weird when I ask for an Indian Dr. Pepper.
3
1
25
what kind of white witchcraft made the phrase "people of color" a pc term? it's like saying loaf of meat instead of meat loaf. both sound horrific to me.
2
6
13
Comedy note: if someone comes to your mic from out of town, put them up. Don’t make em wait. Your audience sees the same shit every week. shake it up, you egomaniacs.
2
4
22
Life hack: don’t transfer your Venmo money. Forget it’s there. Wait a year. Boom you’re rich.
2
0
23
The inventor of Tampax... real “rags to riches” story ammiright?? I don’t know why I’m like this.
3
1
22
guy behind me at Taco Bell wouldn’t stop honking, bailed from the drive thru over a barrier, fucked up his bumper, drove to the adjacent macdonalds and discovered they’re closed. America!
0
1
21
Man if i was there when Pangea broke apart, I would’ve pissed myself. Like all of a sudden, in continents.
0
1
20
I witnessed my first naked roast battle today and it is now my belief that no one should ever be naked or do comedy ever again.
1
0
20
Some people hate hosting. I like hosting. It’s hard and fun, and I feel like I’m getting better whenever i can make it work (which is sometimes).
4
0
21
"{ literally anything } lookin' ass" is the greatest roast structure of all time. unbeatable in immediacy and overall punch.
2
1
21
if you think pedophiles are “COOL” just go ahead and unfollow me NOW. it’s time to start separating the men from the boys.
1
1
19
.
@Free_Press
#Houston
website menu includes:
- music
- arts
- film
- opinion
- news
- watch
- debris
- day for night
but no comedy in a city thriving in that area right now. at least cover it in the debris section.
0
8
20
The pockets in women’s clothing are so small. It’s like they’re designed to only carry 80 cents on the dollar.
1
2
19
In Texas, you're an adult at 18. But if your name is Geoffrey, you're an adult when people start calling you Jeff. Aint no baby named Jeff.
1
6
18
Getting towed from Austin to Houston. He’s going 120 mph and we’re both on our phones. It’s been real, y’all 👋
0
0
20
🗣 SAN ANTONIO Friends! so stoked to be featuring for the ONE & ONLY
@WhitneyCummings
this weekend at
@SanAntonioLOL
!! get your 🎟 at now before they sell out!!💫
#sanantonio
#lolsanantonio
#comedy
#whitneycummings
3
3
21
Yesterday,
@VicVanTran
said the jokes between my jokes are better than my jokes & then called me a “jazz comedian” lol 🎷
1
1
21
What a night folks, thank you
#houston
!
Thanks
@zahiddewji
for the great headlining set here for A Night At The Improv!
#Houston
follow him ASAP, so funny!
2
1
7
0
2
19