2 years, 11 months, 3 weeks and 2 days: the amount of time it took before my son first uttered the phrase “what the fuck?”

I showed this to Hayley and she just laughed and said “LeBron is 39 and can do that. You’re 29 and sore from a massage you got today” 😔

Should be more careful when tweeting about games I’m watching on tape delay…

Tari Eason in his 2013 Kawhi Leonard era. Love that for him

Rating my 1.5 year old sons interest in things on his first trip to the Zoo, for science: Elephants: ⭐️⭐️⭐️ Cougar: ⭐️⭐️ Ramps or stairs: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Big tanks of water (“Wata!”) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Animals in the big tanks of water ⭐️⭐️ Stroller: not a chance

The Halo rocket launcher is called the SPNKR, for context.

“I wasn’t talking to a random man online! That’s just what you say when you snag the rocket launcher in Halo!” -Me explaining to my wife why she heard me shouting “spank me daddy” all the way upstairs

Life tip: rubbing your pregnant wife’s belly like a Buddha doesn’t bring you good luck, just regret.

The phones and cameras people are using in these photos make me feel very old

Tears of joy

I hate when you and a coworker you don’t know start washing hands at the same time in the restroom. Who’s gonna stop first? Who’s gonna admit they don’t care as much about personal hygiene and they’re just a dirty little germ boy?

If you're gonna listen to any speech about #Ukraine 🇺🇦, let it be this one. The Kenya ambassador to the UNSC perfectly explains how people across Africa understand Ukraine, and what the Kremlin's acts of aggression mean in our post-colonial world.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

Source: De Beers. If y'all don't get this Eat Mor Chikin ass "research" out of here man

Same energy for me rn

Insomnia kept me from working out this morning. Now I’m late for work cause I was cuddling the dog and showering him in compliments too long… morning gets an 8/10

#PS5Share, #MarvelsSpiderManMilesMorales

Forgot to take my headphones to the office today I am living in hell

If you’re still following Brendan wyd? #BachelorInParadise

Playing basketball for the first time in a while