Where do I pre-order the new LeapPad®? Them shits 🔥.

This is what YouTube auto-played after listening to the USD album from @lildvrkie and I gotta say, very similar messages here

Thinking about the fact that there’s definitely more than one millennial that Pavlov-ed themselves into getting hard every time they heard a dial-up tone trying to load porn throughout the 90’s.

(I promise we have a loving relationship 💀).

We are so far past the honeymoon phase that I gave my girlfriend a genuine, heartfelt compliment and she looked at me like:

Homies have weird priorities with each other. For example:. If I told my best friend I needed help burying a body. He’d ask “where’s the shovel?”. But…. I ask for ONE picture of his bare, toes spread, succulent feet. He tells me I can’t come by his place anymore. Wack.

Or what?? Come into my house and threaten ME?? The only person who gets to be passive-aggressive with me like that is @SamHolter ‘s mom

MIKE TYSON ASS CHEEKS?? #JakeGetsPauledByTyson.

The girlfriend and I have decided on the list of movies we will be watching this month:. - all of the audio Ghibli movies.- the Pianist.- all of the Harry Potters .- Schindler’s List. I will not be taking questions/constructive criticism.

I would rather have either of these guys be president over our current options. Listening to a coherent debate, making actual points, shouldn’t feel this unprecedented. #debate #Debatenight

Getting an email from Jimmy Kimmel about Kamala Harris almost sent me over the edge. WHY ARE POLITICAL ADS EXEMPT FROM THE “DO-NOT-CALL” LIST???. WHY MUST I BE BADGERED ALL DAY AND NIGHT BY PEOPLE I CANT STAND??. PLEASE STOP THE CONSTANT BARRAGE OF TEXTS, EMAILS, AND PHONE CALLS.

RT @TheBabylonBee: BREAKING: The Babylon Bee has obtained this exclusive, official, 100% real Gavin Newsom election ad. .

RT @WarlordDilley: 🚨WARNING🚨. Graphic:. An innocent woman was shot and killed at the Trump rally today in Butler, PA. Pray for our country….

RT @amerpipedream: ‼️🚨 BREAKING 🚨‼️. TRUMP SHOOTER ID’D AS RADICAL PRO-NUCLEAR ENERGY ACTIVIST SAMSON HIDY

somehow I have gotten into arguments with my gf that have culminated into her yelling “MARK RUFFALO MADE THE SYNTHESIZER!” In a German accent over-and-over…. I’m not sure how we got here…. But it could be a lot worse I guess

This isn’t a metaphor. I just shit my pants.

Some days I’m more “shart” than “fart” . and my toilet paper budget really can’t handle it.

Live tweeting the muppet Christmas carol because shit is getting HEATED:. “DONT TALK TO ME ABOUT THE FUCKING MUPPETS. TINY TIM IS KERMITS FUCKING NEPHEW IN THE FUCKING CANON. I’LL WATCH EVERY FUCKING MUPPETS EPISODE RIGHT NOW DAMN IT.” . - @kornmaize_ when asked about tiny Tim.

I would break apart a stable family in order to see REZZ live… I’m just sayin.

Women confuse me.

Boomers/millennials were getting so upset about mumble rap . But like. I just listed to creed and I’m positive that man wasn’t even speaking English.