Jono
@whoinvitedjon
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5,372
Following
4,772
Media
4,436
Statuses
74,011
I work hard, and I play hard. Wait - I actually just work a regular amount and I don't really play that much either tbh
🍁🍁🍁
Joined April 2009
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I got a new shirt and wore it to work - I just found out what this means...
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I just found out that Wayne Knight cosplayed Goonies characters in Jurassic Park
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Used some Vicks vaporub today - noticed that the bottle I've been (slowly) using expired 15 years ago
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I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I'm having network issues
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A hot dog implies the existence of another, less attractive dog
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This woman at work says she just tested positive for Covid and is walking around showing people her test
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If you don't feel like going grocery shopping, a large pizza can allow you to put it off for a couple of days
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I was still married back then - my ex wife is probably entitled to half of this
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
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Oh you're a foodie? Ask me about my famous recipe for cinnamon sugar
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We shouldn't have the ability to generate images like this 🫤😢
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If I've already put a sock on before I notice a hole then I tell it "you can have the day buddy..." and wait until evening to throw it out
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When people say "if you know you know" I pretty much never know
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I need a in-person equivalent to turning off my camera on a Zoom call
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How long can I get away with telling people "I'm not at my best" before they figure out that this is in fact, my best
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Singing "Oops...I Did It Again", but it's just about me eating my lunch before 10AM
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Now that I'm a parent of a teenager I'm rethinking how many times I thought I got away with stuff vs my parents just picking their battles
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People are worse than ever right now. This has to be rock bottom right?
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A guy at work keeps mixing up Olivia Newton John and Isaac Newton
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Canadian friends - is this logo offensive? I low key was asked to remove it at work
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Can't stop thinking about that great coffee I made this morning. I hope it's doing well in my entry way where I left it
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Everytime I give my dad a ride I make sure "Cats In The Cradle" is playing just to keep him on his toes
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Welcome to your mid 40's. People you went to high school with can look 30 or they can look 100
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My boss just sent my team an inspirational quote that included the phrase "work twice as hard as you think you should"
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Them: you're doing a great job
Me: I hope they don't find out that I don't know what I'm doing
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I just tried to "Like" an email so I didn't have to reply to it
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Google photos: hey, here's a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I'm wearing the same shirt today
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When I was in grade 8 my mom thought Ozzy Osbourne was an agent of the devil. This year my son's middle school band played it at the Christmas concert
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I want to recapture the ambition I had considering washing my sheets at 9pm before promptly falling asleep
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A lot of people are having the same responses (like mine). This retro shirt reminded me of Mr. Dressup, Freindly giant,etc.
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Me: *falling asleep*
Brain: Do the Beach Boys wish that all girls were like the girls in California, or are they saying that they wish all the different types of girls in the world could also be found in California?
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My first reaction watching the Connor McDavid video this morning was "really, this is what everyone is making a huge deal over?"
That could easily be a sober friend helping to make sure that drunk Connor was getting home safe.
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After walking around she announces that she's going home to quarantine 🙄
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I'm pretty sure that she doesn't think of the rest of us as real people
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
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Marriage is all fun and games until you realize you'll never see that show you like because you're supposed to watch it together
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
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Of course it's my birthday when Facebook goes down so I won't be able to see the HBD messages from my aunt and an my ex's cousin that I never speak to otherwise
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It's not imposter syndrome if you really don't know what you're doing
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Just found out that the same ball actor from Castaway also played the volleyball in the original Top Gun
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Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
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It's only a Kraft Single if it's made in the Kraft region of America. Otherwise it's just a cheese slice
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"What the fuck is this?" - me at work, about anything that changed slightly while I was away
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Can't wait until they're finished setting this up and I can slide down it every day at quitting time
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@McMooney2017
I know! It was probably purchased for my sick toddlers who are now young adults 😢
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How many people out here using bar soap? I don't think my kids would even be able to identify it
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My newest cutting board - thick teak ❤️. Already oiled and waxed
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One day you're young then suddenly you have 4 different mustards in the fridge and you definitely have a favorite
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Been spending most our lives, looking in this gangsta parrot's eyes
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Chris Pronger doesn't know what to do with the tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
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@selfisgood
@ZiaOnFilmAndTV
@1122mariposa
@maniawav
@cdcarter
@post_prufrock
They're coming to melonsplain it to you
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Kids can access every song ever recorded now. I had to drive around with a PM Dawn cassette on repeat because that's what my brother left in the car
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What about when the Conservatives are in government and they controlled the CBC - still bad then?
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The most stressful part of Monday morning is coming up with something interesting when my coworkers ask me what I did on the weekend
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I had a pretty rough morning - I'm going substitute my regular lunch sandwich with an ice cream sandwich
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What's it called when something good happens to you and then someone close to you always turns it into something negative for them?
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I got tired of a conversation with a coworker this morning so I just said "the rest is pretty self explanatory" and then got off the call
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Luckily I saw this article right before I was about to make the same mistake
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In Australia the zamboni goes around the rink the opposite direction
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Just had a person on chat assistance invite me to "Bare with them". Not totally sure how to handle this, but I'm now pantsless in my office.
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I assume that they'll come back to the surface once they find the necklace
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Hey foodies - here's a great recipe for honey mustard sauce that you can make at home and impress your guests
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Don't worry about getting a tattoo because you might regret it later. When you get older you've got much bigger body issues to be concerned about
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Nobody explicitly asked me to remove it and they all said they were "joking", but I was also given a company shirt to change into "as a joke" (I didn't)
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Your phone should make a condescending noise whenever you use find my phone and the phone is within a few feet from you
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My first reaction after stepping on the scale and realizing I've gained a couple pounds - well I did some yard work, could it be muscle?
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My daughter just called a USB A socket a USB A-hole and now that's what I'm calling it forever
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A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
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My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying "love you" to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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Daughter: "Dad, do boys pee when they do that thing that makes a baby?"
Me: ∗runs out of the room∗
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"I eat a high protein diet" sounds a lot better than, "I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings"
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Not wearing green because I like to be pinched
HR: you can't say that over the intercom
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Ok hear me out - instead of an edit button, what if you could delete other people's tweets?
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Had a customer yesterday talking about his "Personal Gmail" and I'm still singing it to Depeche Mode in my head
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Could be unpopular, but I don't know if that baby should have had it's own glass to begin with
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Even though I'm not a law student I'm pretty sure this is a violation of the penal code
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My Mr. Rogers move is taking off my zip up hoodie when I get home and changing into a pullover hoodie
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