Patrick Cosmos
@veryimportant
Followers
8,831
Following
1,104
Media
14,718
Statuses
154,656
Cannot fail it’s plain to see I’m having fun and making money // @HostilePodcast
Chicago
Joined August 2007
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Pedro Sánchez
• 378290 Tweets
Wizkid
• 276358 Tweets
woozi
• 204742 Tweets
#CDTVライブライブ
• 169392 Tweets
Scotland
• 105502 Tweets
The Gift
• 72699 Tweets
Thiago Silva
• 68061 Tweets
#キュウゴー
• 58275 Tweets
#TimnasDay
• 52868 Tweets
アンセム
• 51570 Tweets
Mufasa
• 45893 Tweets
Uzbek
• 34856 Tweets
Matisse
• 32074 Tweets
#アンメット
• 20787 Tweets
Blue Ivy
• 20257 Tweets
ドラゴンボール
• 17461 Tweets
Medina
• 17186 Tweets
UNIT SONGS
• 11917 Tweets
Rock in Rio
• 11868 Tweets
Wasit
• 11838 Tweets
Qちゃん
• 11377 Tweets
鈴木千裕
• 10934 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
My new album is out and it helps the algorithm (?) if you buy it. It at least helps me afford looking for a new job
1
7
28
every work email i send out is basically
Hello,
Sorry!
Thanks,
Patrick
80
10K
117K
this is peak bassist
TIM COMMERFORD on whether RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE have broken up: "I don't know. I'm the bass player."
80
842
8K
87
6K
76K
Techbros stay losing while Pepito technology advances at a breakneck pace
Just added a screen on the wall so Pépito can read your replies 😹
710
13K
203K
13
7K
75K
ZOOM PSYCHIATRIST: So the medication? Are you still feeling ok on your current dose?
ME [in other tab typing 'she sufjan on my stevens' into twitter]: The what? Yeah
43
6K
64K
this is what all those posts about AI art are like
53
4K
54K
Classic case of being able to dish it out but not take it
Don't fly your drones near Barack Obama's 60th Birthday Party tonight on Martha's Vineyard. The FAA has closed the airspace.
140
62
562
65
6K
48K
This looks like the preview image for a game on PlayStation network that is always on sale for four dollars
50
3K
46K
Jordan Peterson talks a lot of shit for a guy who gets admitted to the hospital every time he is exposed to bold flavors
206
3K
36K
shameful of bill maher to give a platform to, and thereby help mainstream...[squinting at screen] rob thomas' mom
417
8K
35K
I wonder how or why a car did that. Makes you think
One year ago, a car rammed into counter-protesters during a violent white nationalist rally in Charlottesville. Activist Heather Heyer was killed.
Now, her mother is trying to fulfill a promise made at her funeral.
2K
1K
3K
197
6K
30K
it would be incredibly funny if this all happened. it would confound my expectations based on everything i've observed my entire adult life so severely that i'd have to go on medical leave
Biden: "If we elect two more [Democratic] senators, we got a lot of unfinished business we're gonna get done. Folks, look, we're gonna codify Roe v Wade. We'll ban assault weapons, we'll protect Social Security & Medicare, we'll pass Universal Pre-K ..."
339
4K
22K
67
2K
29K
i would love to ask nancy pelosi to explain in her own words what she thinks her job is
Pelosi asked about Trump’s Bible photo op last night. She goes and grabs her own bible and is now reading from it.
4K
1K
5K
120
3K
27K
NORM MACDONALD: Morbius. (Pausing a half second too long) the LIVING VAMPIRE.
68
1K
26K
having ever thought elon musk is smart or talented is now a permanently disqualifying trait, like supporting the iraq war
119
3K
25K
playing Mark Zuckerberg's Jail Chores Simulator with all my friends online
42
2K
24K
if i ever learn what this is from or why it's funny or any context whatsoever it will feel like the whimsical part of me has died
120
958
24K
i am also considering maybe doing my job, later
Pelosi and House Democratic leaders are considering cutting the August recess short and bringing the chamber back into session to deal with the unfolding crisis at the Postal Service
557
733
3K
27
4K
23K
Dreams must be so fucked up if you are homeschooled and don’t know what stuff is
3
187
3K
19
1K
20K
i created a simple infographic to explain the abrupt change in $TSLA's stock price trend
207
3K
19K
i was fine with this when i assumed it was hurting british children but sadly, it's hurting scottish children
Glasgow Willy Wonka experience slammed as ‘farce’ as tickets refunded
259
497
6K
28
1K
20K
"What's your name / who's your daddy / (is he rich) is he rich like me?" has been the sickest lyric for over 50 years running. Nobody has even bothered trying to outdo it. Over a half century of utter lyrical dominance
79
2K
15K
i'm glad geeks took over culture and feel compulsively dutybound to cram every gap where imagination use to live with Canon and Origins and Backstory and World Building
Sarah Paulson stars in Ryan Murphy's
#Ratched
, a prequel to “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” that traces the origins of Nurse Mildred Ratched.
Watch the official trailer now:
98
122
813
91
2K
14K
the comedy guys who think louis ck served hard time and deserves full rehabilitation feel that way because they cannot imagine any punishment worse than 6 months of not getting attention
18
2K
14K
its funny enough for a normal person to take jordan peterson seriously but it's extra funny for a professional athlete to take jordan peterson seriously. you are basically a real-life superhero and you are taking masculinity advice from that picture of e.t. dying in a river
Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving is posting clips of Jordan Peterson, Jason Whitlock, and John Stockton.
Whitlock recently blamed single Black mothers for the death of Tyre Nichols.
Stockton claimed 1,000 athletes have ‘dropped dead’ from vaccination without citing any sources.
213
629
3K
33
1K
13K
AOC: We should not put kids in cages maybe
PELOSI: Certain Democrats need to learn that snitches get stitches.
TRUMP: I agree with Nancy Pelosi that the Democrats should go back to Africa!
20
2K
12K
baked alaska going to the capitol covid positive and then turning fbi informant makes him possibly the most materially effective resistance figure
30
661
12K
this is like the experiment with the monkeys hugging the wire mother but even sadder
Petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci 'Sexiest Man Alive' gains momentum
554
739
5K
23
1K
12K
ELON MUSK IN 2022: I am changing Twitter's IP address to 420.69 🤣 We will make jokes epic and legal. (bad news brian meme about coffee)
ELON MUSK IN 2024: The fourteen words have great personal significance to me. Child support is the mind-killer.
24
1K
11K
Six Perverts
Identical twin sisters marry identical twin brothers.
Meet their children. Apart from sharing a strong resemblance, they are legally cousins, but genetically they are brothers.
[📷 salyerstwins]
557
2K
18K
28
520
11K
every time there is yet another disingenuous article about whichever bullshit industry the millennials are killing
25
4K
10K
There’s a guy in a Kirkland sweatshirt waiting outside for Costco to open. True head
23
239
10K
We at the podcast would like to apologize for our comments that people felt trivialized and sensationalized recent violence. When we first started Thrilling Murder: I Love This Crime, our intention was to honor and center marginali
11
1K
9K
I feel bad for Dianne Feinstein, but I'm happy that her cretinous vulture staffers will be sealed in her tomb to serve her in the afterlife
8
717
9K
Telling the cop that I must have accidentally touched five or six beers
9
419
9K
all of these women trapping jeff flake in an elevator to yell at him are each individually more helpful and important than every actual elected democrat put together
13
1K
8K
GUY WHO INVENTED A SERVICE CALLED "BURGR" THAT USES AI TO MAIL YOU A SUBSCRIPTION BOX OF RECOMMENDED HAMBURGER TOPPINGS ONCE A MONTH AND MAKES MONEY BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO CANCEL: That's real nice how you want to stifle innovation. With your smart phone and your computer microchips
17
1K
8K
msnbc when bernie wins iowa and then msnbc when bernie wins nevada
42
1K
8K
tremendous, willful misreading of ben franklin's entire thing
20
659
8K
found something truly awesome today: an amazon seller trying to pass off a vegetable steamer as a fire pit
41
334
8K
Marlins first baseman Jair Bolsanaro will be unavailable for play today.
25
615
8K
Joe Camel with the worst Graphic Equalizer setting of all time
what it feels like to come home from the party and throw on steely dan
75
3K
26K
85
414
8K
"tucker carlson doxxed and libeled one of his own fans on national television who was a jan 6 insurrectionist and an unlicensed third-party st louis cardinals mascot and now he got arrested" is so multidimensionally funny that i believe in god now
23
701
8K
forums were better than twitter because you could just hate the same guy every day instead of always having to find out about a new one
25
2K
7K
deadspin has successfully used Talent Distancing to flatten the Traffic Curve
41
583
7K
According to Fox, Ron DeSantis is going to announce his 2024 presidential bid during a Twitter Spaces tomorrow with Elon Musk.
78
46
268
8
501
7K
absolute ren and stimpy looking ass
30
353
7K
A study’s surprise finding: Most workers want to be in the office more often
600
9
70
9
609
7K
Is he giving this speech from a prime rib carving station
32
379
7K
I'm at the Pizza Hut. I'm at the Taco Bell. I would like to acknowledge that I am standing on disputed territory historically claimed by both the Pizza Hut and Taco Bell
29
561
7K
All 👏 conductors 👏 are 👏 aware 👏 of 👏 Felix 👏 & 👏 prepare 👏 sausage 👏 in 👏 advance
A conductor on the Pskov-Moscow train feeds a cat named Felix sausage during a short stop in Staraya, Russa. Felix shows up every day at 22:40 & has for several years. All conductors are aware of Felix & prepare sausage in advance. 😻(Source: Reddit)
197
5K
32K
12
2K
7K
I did not even begin to think of how funny the reactions might be from all the guys with duct-taped-mouth Netflix specials called “Triggered”
NYC comedy club posts sign to discourage Will Smith copycats: “comics must be protected”
132
155
730
11
636
7K
"I'm being doxxed by the FAA" is something you see a crank protesting about outside of a city courthouse. Things are going even more great than ever before
19
555
7K
every liberal blogger who helped shape my thinking a decade ago now spends all day tweeting stuff like "it's time to say 'bye felicia' to the bernie beckys," and it really makes me think a lot less of myself every time i think about it
43
437
6K
your honor. if it may please the court. the world is a vampire
52
2K
6K
I understand why they'd let Chris Hardwick back despite the abuse allegations against him. It's hard to find diminutive, half-charismatic nerds to talk about the shit they like at great length
24
603
6K
joe biden doing something populist and getting positive attention for it is having the same effect on his brain as when a 20 year old tries cocaine for the first time
18
416
6K
when the chinese delivery gives me two sets of silverware with my order
4
440
5K
BREAKING: Starbucks’ CEO Howard Schultz officially resigned this morning, two weeks earlier than anticipated.
The billionaire returned last April to try to stop
@SBWorkersUnited
from growing.
Back then, there were six unionized Starbucks.
There are now 290+ unionized stores.
109
4K
20K
19
263
5K
people digging up old high school stuff on AOC would be a lot funnier if every republican didn't either assault a classmate or murder a dog when they were in high school
12
687
5K
* **** **** *** *****-19 *** ***
A mask-free embrace between Feinstein and Graham to cap things off.
And the Amy Coney Barrett hearings are over.
1K
1K
6K
36
334
5K
it is unfathomable how bad space jam has the potential to be. a winking remake of a bad movie with a less charismatic star at a time when studios have absolutely zero incentive to make anything that has not been totally exsanguinated by focus groups and brand synergy
67
250
5K
man got a name like somebody on xanax playing wordle
In three days, Trudeau grounded the unvaxxed in perpetuity, banned handguns across the board, and is set to legalize hard drugs. This man is fucking insane.
1K
5K
22K
12
237
5K
I am a lawyer, and this is legal advice: Elon Musk should keep posting no matter how mad he gets
11
222
4K
me when my nephew explains every single one of his toy cars to me
5
402
4K
doxxing the anonymous, private citizen behind the popular "Let's Hunt and Kill This Gay-Ass Teacher, Here Is Their Picture and Where They Work Broadcast on Fox News All Day Long" account just shows how unhinged the liberals have become
22
588
4K
Everyone who ever told me this guy was smart owes me five hundred dollars. I don’t care if I know you personally or not. You fuckin owe me five hundred dollars for saying this guy was smart
19
412
4K
freakanomics trained an entire cohort of unbearable white man age 40-55 to take in any piece of new information, sneer at it, and then go "no it's not"
27
206
4K
summoning circle, hope this works
🕯
🕯 🕯
🕯 🕯
🕯 kirkland-brand 🕯
🕯 weed 🕯
🕯 🕯
🕯
9
220
4K
Unbelievably funny. His only facial expression is the same one dogs make when you hide the ball behind your back and show them empty hands. Just an incredible value add
19
346
4K
the only good nyt opinion piece in the last 15 years was when maureen dowd got so twisted on edibles she thought she died. they should have shut it down after that and just left that one article on the website
14
415
4K
that's odd. wonder what would make a guy want to not eat and just yell about his ideas for 72 hours
Mike Lindell is legit upset that some people want to break for lunch in this "cyber symposium," yelling that he's gonna stay up on stage for 3 days straight.
"There's no breaks! ... You guys can go eat. That’s fine, but I ain’t eating! I’m staying up here for 72 hours..."
1K
534
3K
51
211
4K
it rocks when you shatter lives and families to develop the comic sans of web browsers
hey Cortana show me "toxic work environment"
459
7K
61K
10
515
4K
the fact that lori lightfoot had the fucking audacity to get up there and cry having known for days what was on that video is unbelievable. i don't think i've seen anything quite that theatrically brazen and heartless since george w bush
38
592
4K
I flip these for $75 on eBay by saying the Bear from The Bear drank out of them on The Bear
What's the first thing you think of when you see this?
6K
140
2K
4
115
4K
I used to do this with my friend when he worked at the Marathon gas station
Jack Black was regularly hanging around on set for Francis Ford Coppola’s ‘MEGALOPOLIS’
He won’t star in the film, he just wanted to watch Coppola work.
(Source: Deadline)
204
2K
52K
6
122
4K
sad to see leftwing liberals use the death of politician herman cain by a preventable disease he got at a political rally while tweeting about how it was a political hoax and ignoring medical advice for the sake of partisan virtual signaling as an excuse to make political points.
20
506
4K
perfect blend of tech guy hubris and rich guy hubris plus instant karma due to libertarian deregulatory fervor. being discussed on a failing platform where everybody's mad at the owner, who is a grim caricature of everybody i mentioned above. surprised it's not louder and meaner
I do think the submarine thing is darkly funny but it's a bit surreal how immediately and completely on-board everyone seems to be with that fact
14
10
169
18
668
4K
i wanna cancel somebody 🎶
wanna reveal old tweets of somebody
11
451
4K
you can't tell but he's winking
13
331
4K
they already made a "lad bible." it's called the bible. the lad is jesus
13
405
4K
[being stretchered into an ambulance after somehow losing a fight to a falafel sandwich] we’ll see who cancels who
11
184
4K
normal caveats aside about small sample sizes and correlation vs causation, it's hard not to notice that XFL seasons (2001, 2020) directly coincide with thousands of american deaths
20
533
3K
they should make a 11% imperial IPA that has 50mg of THC in it
39
200
3K
(drunk, sitting on the curb, inconsolably crying) how many FUCKJING skarsgårds are there. why
7
310
3K
"being a fuckin jerk makes me Black" is sincerely the most odious take i have ever seen on here. absolutely incredible
21
209
3K
photo of me 45 seconds after i smoke weed on my couch and get scared
3
207
3K
A guy kept yelling for Mitch Hedberg to do a bit and he said "ok, guy who thinks I'm a fuckin jukebox." Then 20 minutes later he did the bit and said "see I am like a jukebox. You pay your money and hear a bunch of other bullshit before the thing you wanted to hear"
what’s the best live stand up comedy moment you’ve ever witnessed?
2K
102
2K
11
147
3K