Dear Parents. Tonight the Government has set out new rules for the return to school in January 2021. Given that we start all GCSE courses in Year 7, we look forward to all of our students returning on Monday 4th January. Happy New Year!

Tomorrow we launch our trust-wide leadership programme - 'TeachLess' ✅ Recent Russell group graduate? ✅ Sharp suit? Entitled? ✅ Keen to progress to senior leadership but can't be bothered with the hassle of teaching? 💷 Apply now for our innovative TeachLess programme!

On Friday, as part of our Covid-19 well-being and resilience fortnight, Mr Barnsley in PE is kindly offering staff a socially distanced greco-roman wrestling session in the gym.

Tomorrow we are introducing Covid-19 sub-tiers across the trust. Our region is Tier 2 but each school will be graded 2a, 2b, 2c according to vague unvalidated criteria that we ourselves have invented. This data will be uploaded half-termly onto a massive pointless spreadsheet.

This is the room where you will be observed as part of your performance management review. This is the room where I will offer patronising feedback on the lesson I have observed and pretend that I know more about teaching history than you do.

Summer school, extended day and lessons on a Saturday - your staff will be wetting themselves with excitement. When are we next meeting?

It is my solemn duty to announce the death of one of our beloved team... Bruno the hamster was found starved and emaciated in his cage this morning by one of our site team during a routine inspection of the building. A sad day for all of us. #bruno #brunothehamster

On Wednesday I'm going to be participating in a special webinar hosted by officials from @educationgovuk. We'll be exploring how teachers in Belarus have been preparing for the return of students.

Colleagues... 🚫 No more Joe Wicks. 🚫 No more See-Saw. 🚫 No more laying around in your pyjamas til 2pm uploading Twinkl work sheets to the intranet. It's time to take it on the chin for the nation - June 1st is our rallying call. (Unless you're asthmatic)

I'm very excited - our latest recruitment advert goes live tomorrow. We are seeking to appoint two new assistant associate senior leaders with responsibility for hand washing. An exciting secondment opportunity - prev experience is required.

Good evening colleagues. I have been in contact with our procurement lead regarding reopening on June 1st. I understand that some staff are anxious about the infection risk. Let me reassure you - we have managed to secure a delivery of 15,000 green paper towels.

Hello colleagues. In these difficult times I must ask you to draw upon deep reserves. To be the light where there is darkness. To care. Your work is imperative to the function of our NHS. Supporting key workers is essential in the fight against Covid-19. I salute you all.

It's almost time! Graham, the manager of our nearby Carpet Right store will again this year be presenting to staff at our inset day on the challenges of leadership in the home furnishings sector. Relevant, real-world CPD that will inspire. Thanks Graham.

Following the success of our stress-relieving resilience-based tai chi session, Carl, the network manager has uploaded a calming panpipe CD onto the shared drive. Staff are free to play this at the end of the school day whilst deleting pointless emails.

#AskOfsted If, on the day of inspection, several (15-20) of our most challenging pupils are on a impromptu visit to a local cinema as part of their functional literacy lesson, will this trip need to be explicitly identified in the statement of curriculum intent?

#AskOfsted Hello. Next week we are having the first of our termly mock deep-dives. We hope to dredge-up any pockets of fishy practice. How long will inspectors spend interrogating teachers about their statements of curriculum intent? Do you make them recite it?

As part of our commitment to reducing workload we invite to attend our trust vision breakfast club on Thursday mornings from 07:00 - 08:00. Although non-compulsory, attendance would be a fantastic way of demonstrating your commitment to our core values. Free Nescafe latte sachet!

We are sending two of our diligent and well-meaning former teaching assistants on this course - given that between them they now have responsibility for the entire pastoral system - including lost property and dealing with girls problems.

Struggling with marking and other workload issues? The trust takes this issue very seriously. On Monday there will be a resilience-based tai chi session in the space where drama lessons once took place.

Colleagues, please note - going forward, can we refer to our TeachFirst leadership 'leadership development participants' as 'trainee teachers' - even if they plan on walking away after 18 months of CV boosting impact to pursue a career in finance.