Tommy Bayer
@tommybayertime
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Statuses
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doin stand up for now @wecoolpodcast email me for stuff tommybayercomedy @gmail .com
Brooklyn, NY
Joined November 2011
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The show “The Bear” but the restaurant only serves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and water
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French gov: we’re decreasing vacation time from 6 months out of the year to 5 months out of year
French ppl: we’re gonna burn the city down
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gf: how’s this outfit on me?
me: it’s giving hard penis
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When a glass breaks there’s like 3 seconds where no one knows what the fuck to do and everyone acts like a glass has never broken before
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little ... hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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gonna start tweeting about family guy like euphoria
“Not Peter farting on Meg 😭😂”
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Finding $15 sitting in my Venmo balance and treating it like it’s my offshore bank account
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Maury: You are ... NOT the father
Man: *jumping around* F*bleep* YEAH! F*bleep* YOU! LETS GO!
Woman: *in tears crying*
7 y/o me sick at home: this is good
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no one got mad at me for this
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Rich people love to venmo request you $4.72 for like half a bagel because they have no concept of money and don’t understand that working class people operate under an economy of buying someone a beer. I currently owe around 23 beers to friends and am owed around 29 beers
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been jacking off by memory recently and I think it’s been making me smarter. I feel like it counts as reading a book or solving a puzzle
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One kid at the pizza party would always eat the pepper in the pizza box and everyone would go crazy
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remember eating honey nut Cheerios as like a 7 year old and being like “my cholesterol is gonna be so god damn perfect after this”
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French gov: lunch breaks are only 4 hours now instead of 5
French ppl: we’re gonna shoot a missile directly into the police station
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bro you gotta check out this new show it’s streaming on shbleebo and you log on through your health insurance account
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me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
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NYPD: well well well, if it isn’t the Shake Shack employee that poisoned my meal, MAKING me do diarrhea mud pie all over the men’s bathroom at the precinct...
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The two jobs that exist are 1. being on the computer and 2. bringing things to people who are on the computer
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Hi yes bartender split a bud light platinum 4 ways and send it to the ladies at that table over there. Tell em the gentleman bleeding from his head sent it over
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Went to get a massage and got a sad ending (they made me shit my pants 😟)
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Psychological movies that will make you think:
1. NACHO LIBRE (2006)
This movie asks the big question “What if Jack Black was Mexican?”
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Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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pouring a second and third bowl of cereal using the same bowl of milk creating a cast iron pan effect of retaining flavors
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just gonna get ahead of this and say that nobody actually thinks straight guys are the backbone of the gay community lol
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Eating vegetables is lowkey goated when being healthy is the vi-
My 5 year old son: dad I wish you would kill yourself
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pussy is lowkey goated in situations where making my dick feel good is a the vibe
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dreamt last night that I had $500 extra dollars… the most money my brain could possibly conjure up
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I get a little republican when I think about burning man
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just checking to see if the algorithm is still racist
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this is like a fake movie that would be in another movie and I am so exited to watch it
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Me: *picks nose and flicks booger on the ground*
1920s Newspaper Boy: *picking up booger* Hey mista! Hey mista! Ya dropped somethin!
Me: *smiling generously* you know what kid, keep it
Boy: Really mista? Foh keeps?🥺
Me: For keeps😏
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A guy got his back blown out in the senate and I barely give a shit.. watergate wouldn’t even make a dent in the local news today lmao
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The final scene of 'Men in black' always makes me question our reality
The final scene of 'Men in black' always makes me question our reality
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me and all my friends constantly owe each other around $20-$115 but nobody really knows exactly it’s called a community
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Left wing conspiracy: a bunch of guys in the CIA killed a village of women and children to obtain their resources organized by George Bush Sr.
Right wing conspiracy: there’s a giant Jewish laser in the sky that’s making me gay
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*going up to happy couple who’ve clearly been together for some time*
hey is this guy fucking bothering you?
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told a girl last night I make $17,000 a week bartending and she just said oh wow nice
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egg on hot dog for breakfast
gotta say, one of the annoying things about gala commentary this year is how many ppl have nothing to contribute other than to say, "fuck rich ppl." do you understand these things were made by skilled craftspeople? the clothes didn't pop out of a whizzing clothes-making machine?
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black mirror 2016: examining the modern society with technologies of the near future that put you in moral dilemmas and even sometimes your worst nightmare
black mirror 2019: uhhh is it gay if you could like fuck ur best bro in a video game?
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the diconomey is crazy..
i thought everyone was exaggerating but these guys really do exist
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There should be american hibachi where they cook burgers in front of you and squirt bud light into your mouth like it’s sake
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Being a 46 year old in the service industry can sometimes be challenging, but luckily I have my 19 year old coworkers to keep me young 🤣 I secretly even have a crush on one of them 😆🙈
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Never inviting John over to watch the game again 🤦♂️😐
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You know why it’s called Aldi’s it’s because I putting All Deez damn groceries in my cart for an affordable price
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smacking my AirPod case like a pack of cigs before using them
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we all got that homie who don’t play about the comedic value of the show New Girl
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mr president I’m in love with you and would like to be Mrs president
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(Zoboomafoo if he was the musical guest on snl)
Host Emma Stone: ladies and gentleman… once again… Zoboomafoo👏 👏
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so funny that this is what my life is because I did good at an open mic when I was 19
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Did y’all see these guys started a podcast together?? 👀 🧐🤨
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Girl dinner… girl math… what’s next? Girl president of the United States? I sure hope so 🤞🇺🇸🤟
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kinda wanna join the army only so I can crash at peoples houses for free and they’d have to let me in
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I’m 16 years old and although I love bartending and working 52 hours a week my dream has secretly always been to one day go to school 😄👍🤞
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“I’m a photographer”
oh interesting for you to come out as a pervert man but respect ✊
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guest: omg the food was so good send me compliments to the chef ☺️
the chefs:
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Can’t believe I thought the 3rd amendment was that the army can have sleepovers at your house when really it’s that the army cannot have sleepovers at your house
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Guest: wow the food was amazing send my compliments to the chef 🙏
The chef:
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We took Benadryl and did a podcast with the Hatman 🤦♂️
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not washing my bed sheets like a cast iron pan to retain the flavoring and natural spices
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They’re putting something in the air or water that makes every little kid to get incredibly sturdy
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people always talk about “oh you need to do psychedelics to elevate your consciousness and find god” no you need to find the secret bathroom at your job that nobody really uses
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everyone’s “polyamorous” these days hey what happened to just cheating
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This sentence would sound really bad coming out of my dad’s voice
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everyone in this video works in tech now
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every time I jack my penis off by memory my IQ increases
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(on shark tank)
Me: I’d like a loan of 1 million dollars
Sharks: what’s your business
Me: my beautiful wife would like to do fancy expensive stuff it’s for her
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conservatives are saying Chappelle is speaking “truth” and liberals are saying that he is hateful but at least we can all agree that what he’s doing isn’t funny
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