Susan Orlean
@susanorlean
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Writer, writer, writer. Oh, I also write.
New York
Joined December 2007
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The truth is, it’s not so boring being stuck at home. But it’s interesting that one bag of rice has 8,453 grains, while another has 8,462
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I honestly can’t remember if I’ve had kids with Elon Musk or not.
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Shut the fuck up
If you waste money on coffee, it’s like "peeing $1 million down the drain," says Suze Orman. ☕️ via
@CNBCMakeIt
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I am
@being
shunned by my family because I am drunk. Yes ok I am fine with that FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKERS
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Maybe I am drinking too much during THE FUCKING PANDEMIC
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Thinking of starting a Twitter account. Seems like you have fun here, yes?
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I haven’t had a cold or even sniffles in a year. I’m going to keep wearing a mask in crowds and on planes even after I get vaccinated. They WORK.
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I’m drunk
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I have a horrible feeling I slandered fennel seeds last night.
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Ok a newborn colt rocks it totally and he thought my hand was his mom. It was not. He has tasted life’s infinite tragedy. As I mentioned Earlier I am inebriated
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I’m so confused. So many things to worry about: In what order does one worry about them?
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I am goi f to sleep. My husband has asked me five hundred rimes
@if
I am alright. That means it’s go to sleep o’clock
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Yeah, well, I’m hitting the sauce on a weeknight and I don’t give a fuck
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I’m falling down drunk. First time in ages. Where is my kitty? He is my drunk comfort animal.
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I once wrote a story about the Super Bowl for the New Yorker and forgot to mention who won the game.
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I’m so mad about so much that I can’t decide what to fixate on.
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Lately (or not so lately) I am having this problem where I can't keep my mind on a single thing for more than one nanosecond. I've never been more distracted/jumbled/jangled. Anybody with me?
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Anyone else having vivid, strange, full-of-dread dreams?
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Everyone I know is really blue. We’ve run out of resilience. The world feels small and fragile.
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Yes, I’m watching Adaptation with my 15 yo son who has never seen it. Wish me luck.
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Say what you will about my Twitter feed but I have never posted gross pictures of my feet.
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By the way I am not a wine industry spokesperson I am just a normal person freaking the fuck out
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Never underestimate how much people hate women, Black people, immigrants, masks, and science.
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Hahaha very funny whoever put the stool softener right next to the Tylenol
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People with super loud laughs: Please be aware that you are terrifying.
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My neighbors have invited us over again. I see their evil ways. I will not be tempted!
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Not my fault. He sneaked into the car and came home with us.
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Everyone I know (including me) is completely at the end of their ropes. It’s the surge plus the vaccine being close yet out of reach for most of us plus too long locked down plus winter plus plus plus. Help.
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As if we give a fuck.
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No one on my house is talking to me right now ok!! YeH whatever I hzte you too
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I went through my jigsaw puzzle phase. I went through my bread-baking phase. I went through my color-my-own-roots phase. The only phase left is nonstop drinking.
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Fuck the recycling. Going to look for candy which I bet doesn’t exists I. This house godd@@ Min it
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I think Gavin Newsom should be recalled for having married Kimberly Guilfoyle.
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You know I am currently trying to write a memoir and feel like a clown because WHO CARES ABOUR MY STUPID LIFE but maybe?
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Having I f the stupid fennel seed candy because I ha e no options
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This is turning me into someone who cheers when I hear certain people are sick. Not something I’ve aspired to. Another reason I hate these people.
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I’ve been “in a mood” for six months now and I’m kind of done
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Everything, everything, is just fucking HARD. I spent 99% of today trying to convince my 15 yo that Zoom school was awesome. IT IS NOT. Trying to work: Can’t focus. Bored, restless, terrified. I don’t want to get Covid but I’m so fucking sick of being at home. Going insane.
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A giant tree just fell on my street and knocked the power out. I feel it is urgent that I drink all the white wine in my refrigerator ASAP so it doesn’t spoil
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I’m worried about Rudy Giuliani. KIDDING I AM SO NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT SHITBAG
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Roberts complaining about the leak is like reading your husband’s journal and discovering he’s cheating and having the conversation pivot to how terrible you are for reading his journal.
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Life is so uncertain, but you can count on this: Whichever direction you first try to plug in a USB connector will be the wrong one.
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Best boy dog names? Asking for me in case the puppy I’m checking out tomorrow sneaks into the car and comes home with me just in case because that shit does happen sometimes
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Thank you for your support duri t this difficult time all misspellings are mine totally
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Welp I had a wholesome day, and tonight I eschewed my customary Cucumber Mule because I’m, you know, cleansing my soul.
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I’m amazed by everyone who says they will get tons of work done during this lockdown. I can’t begin to focus! Am just obsessively reading the news, listening to the news, watching the news, spreading the news. No work.
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We may all end up leaving Twitter, honestly who knows, but I will forever cherish the memory of getting drunk on here with you lovely people
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The fatigue I feel these days is unlike any other I've ever felt. I end each day just WRUNG out. After doing very little, btw. It's a kind of weariness that is new to me.
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I will be forever glad that I wrote a book about libraries because libraries are truly great.
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I am not someone who prays but I am going to change my ways and start praying for Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I mean, pray really, really hard.
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I have my next book:
For days, snow has trapped dozens of people at a pub in Yorkshire, including an Oasis cover band who have been performing for the captive audience
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I’m at it again with the fennel seeds but I want you to know I am stone cold sober
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Would you folks read a book about writing if I wrote it?
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Just for the hell of it, tried on my wedding dress. Whatever the dentist gave me is obviously working
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I really don’t understand why Michael Barbaro can’t say “Here’s what else you need to know today” in a normal way.
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You guys. Do you tho k my neighbors think 🤔 I’m a. never mind I’m going f to bed
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I am simultaneously tired ALL THE TIME and jittery-awake all the time HELP
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Just boarded a flight and am assessing which passenger we will have to duct-tape to his seat.
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I am so addicted to semi-colons; is this because I can't ever finish a thought?
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I’m sure my neighbors did not notice AT ALL that I was stumbling drunk leaving f the casual neighborhood get together fuck yeah
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Just a gentle reminder that my birthday is Saturday and I would like an incontestable landslide victory and also jewelry.
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Guys. Tonight is my last night ever in a house I built. My son was a baby here. I have had a million sweet memories here. I’m kind of overwhelmed.
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When this is all over, are we going to even WANT to go out anymore? I personally am devolving into someone who doesn't move beyond a six-foot radius.
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Burned my tongue on my dinner so I get extra wine. My rules
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What does Ted Cruz think he’s achieving with that beard?
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Seriously we went to my neighbors to see their newborn colt who was born like five mi utes ago and we had some wine
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Being able to write requires quieting your brain. These days, my brain is very, very noisy.
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I fucked off all day because... well, no excuse except once in a while it seems the right choice. Now I'm dipping my toe into a short tumbler of Sauvignon Blanc and singing the blues
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Let us praise the lord for decent screwtop wines hallelujah
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