Every Minnesota Sports Commentator: You have to like where *insert team* is at this point in the season Every Minnesota Sports fan (including me): Fuck yeah I am, this is their year (It will never be their year)

Iran is about to find out why I don’t have free healthcare.

Everybody talks about how exciting going on vacation is. But nobody talks about what an absolute shit show it is the Sunday afterwords.

When your son’s first word is momma

4th of July ✅ My favorite people ✅ My favorite place ✅ Emily’s Birthday ✅ One of the best weeks of my life ✅

If you’re going to put that you’re highly skilled in attention to detail on a resume please make sure your resume is perfect. Otherwise it’s going to be picked apart

My least favorite day of the year is upon us. Pool opening day.

Cargo short season is back baby

This aged exactly as expected

Traveling for work was fun until I became a dad. Now I just want to be home. Though laying in bed watching baseball instead of Gilmore Girls or Sesame Street is so nice not gonna lie

There are babies who don’t sleep. Then there are babies who sleep well. Then there’s Theo. Tonight I knocked over his full humidifier from the bedside table and he didn’t even open his eyes a little. It’s so fucking wonderful

Little man got baptized today! He slept through almost the whole thing. Shout out to godfather @matt_sullivan9 for not dropping the candle during the ceremony

When you get home to a house full of people expecting you to cook for them after a stressful work week

And I have to share him with people. I don’t want to share him. He’s mine

Theo’s baptism is Sunday and out of state relatives arrive starting tonight and will last until next Wednesday. As an introvert who values alone time with immediate family at home. This is my hell

When my wife and son’s schools are both closed due to snow and they’re still asleep, but I have to go to work like normal

Hard to believe we bought our house 2 years ago today! Time really does fly

Shout out to the Marine Corp CH-53 that just buzzed my house at 1500 feet and scared the entire family

When your boss’ boss asks why you’re still at work 20 mins after end time and to go home and spend time with family

I’m rooting for whoever makes me the most money on the stupid bets I made on DraftKings

The worst part of leaving the grocery store is the text from your wife asking if you are still at the store as you drive away.