Sophie Jansen
@sophie_mhj
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oh you like music? name every song
cowboy in LA
Joined November 2011
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
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i want to be very - VERY - clear that this is absolutely not the wife i am trying to be
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lil pump is 17 i am no longer comfortable with the lyrics to gucci gang. why does he have a bitch who loves doing cocaine. go to precalc class lil pump.
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In honor of her birthday yesterday I want everyone to know one time my roommate saw Rihanna at a club and was so blacked out she knew she recognized her but couldn’t figure out where from so she GOES UP TO RIHANNA and asks if they have MARKETING CLASS TOGETHER
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you’re not “daddy” you’re a 20 year old frat boy with a mild coke addiction and credit card debt
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jojo siwa is either going to be Like That forever or she’s gonna go absolutely off the rails. no in between. you know i’m right.
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Name a scarier place than a college Target during move in week. you can’t.
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i started dating guys in their mid twenties with the hope they’d be more mature than those in their early 20s but they’ve just have had more time to think of more creative ways to be terrible
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bro i hate going to a ~prestigious~ university we had to share a fun fact and this bitch just goes “I was in the olympics”
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my parents get worried when I'm out late when I'm home as if I don't live 3000 miles away 10 months of the year and have a near death experience they don't know about AT LEAST twice per weekend
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only one of my four boyfriends sent me a happy valentine’s day text men are trash
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when I was a senior in high school I wanted to be pre-law at Stanford and now I’m a senior in college and haven’t stopped talking about Youtuber drama for 3 days straight
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i’m on the business school’s deans list with a double minor and am an athlete at one of the top 20 universities in the country and you think i get my self worth from men??????
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It blows my mind that people get married to people they met in high school I genuinely don’t even know if the people I dated in high school are still alive
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kidz bop version of WAP is gonna be like: there's some chores in this house
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me: i like the color pink :)
random man on the internet: of course you do you fucking WHORE, it's the same color as all the DICK you suck you STUPID bitch
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i just got to see my friend who woke up from a COMA for the first time and he was like omg sophie how are you! um i’m fine bitch how are YOU
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a guy just told me he would buy me a drink but i “seem like i have a boyfriend” my dude i haven’t even had a reciprocated crush since literally 2016
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*their
you can’t be openly homophobic and have horrendous grammar, pick a struggle :/
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last night I got a DM request and I went “I bet it’s a dick pic” and my guy friend was like “not a chance that’s so weird people don’t do that” and he was right because I opened it and turns out it was three dick pics
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tough time to be one of those people whose entire personality revolves around traveling
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sometimes i want a bf but then i think about how much effort it takes just to get to the “talking” phase let alone the “exclusive but like not boyfriend/girlfriend” phase LET ALONE being in an actual relationship and then i’m good lmfao
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i was 17 when i started college which is like ok, whatever, until you consider that whenever i got sick i had to run around convincing other students in my dorm to buy cough syrup for me😭😭😭
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a homeless guy came into my house and turned on the shower and then started washing a dog statue in the sink?
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when i was 16 i was driving in a blizzard and my car started skidding sideways on the INTERSTATE and i’m pretty sure I only got control back bc I kept thinking that I didn’t want 2 Phones to be the song that was playing when i died
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last year i was in a 45 min uber alone & the driver wouldn’t stop talking & i was getting visibly annoyed & he went “i’m sorry for talking so much you just remind me of my 19 yr old daughter who died in a car crash” & i think about him every single day. hope ur having a good one.
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i’m not like other girls, the TSA flagged me as a threat to national security
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once this random number texted me a bunch of hate trying to be anonymous and then snapchat suggested I add the number as a friend and the girl’s handle was just her first and last name😭😭😭 she never replied once i called her out😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Fake blondes rise up: at this point in quarantine I feel like I’m wearing a little brown hat
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ya no shit what else would the phrase “zack and codeine” refer to lmfao
Post Malone’s “Zack and Codeine” is a reference to the show “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody”: a small theory
The first lyric is, “Man, my life so sweet, I feel like Cody”
At 40 seconds he says, “we turned the hotel lobby into a party”
We don’t deserve Post Malone
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Growing up is weird because one of my closest friends is now in law school and it’s like. I saw what you did when we were 16. You should not be responsible for upholding the laws of this nation.
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every single study room in the business school is booked until the end of finals and i’m 90% sure some business major booked all of them and is selling them to people
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these are the same girls who captions photos w their boyfriend "he's alright i guess☺️"
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my punishment for this tweet was a 40 year old man coming up to me in target and asking me on a date. instant karma.
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just wanna say this dude facetimed me out of the blue the other day and our interaction was literally exactly what the contact says. not even a usc student. random south central Soundcloud rapper. it's been 2.5 years. we never spoke after this night.
Sitting back contemplating all the choices I've made in my life that have led up to me having this as a contact
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long story but i’m in an uber pool and the other passenger and the driver are talking about cheating on their gfs and being “alpha males” do i tuck and roll
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@elijahdaniel
so my mom had a heart attack when i was 16 and she was literally throwing up on the ground from pain waiting for the ambulance i’m sobbing thinking she’s going to die and she goes “see this is what happens when you don’t do the dishes” and she started laughing
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i hate using dating apps i just periodically download them to get the tea on what guys i know are on there cheating on their girlfriends
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bella thorne and scott disick seem like a couple that someone would come up with during a Cards Against Humanity game
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can’t stop thinking about how the first time i drove by myself when i got my driver’s license i rear ended someone in a dunkin’ donuts drive through
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can u imagine dating someone who yelled at u for liking instagrams
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my most notable contribution to the feminist movement was the time I found another girl’s underwear in a guy’s room so I stole all the phone chargers from his house
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YES I go to the Trader Joe’s on my street multiple times a day just to drink the free coffee samples and immediately leave NO I don’t feel any shame about it
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perfect embodiment of being a zillenial
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one of my exes recently apologized for how he treated me followed up by “i feel bad because i recently realized that you are a human”
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I HATE BEING A WOMAN IM IN A GARBAGE MOOD ALREADY AND HERE I AM, FORCE FEEDING MYSELF ZUCCHINI THAT IS LYING ABOUT BEING NOODLES PRETENDING I LIKE IT BC I DONT WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT BC SOCIETY WONT LET ME anyways how is everyone else’s Thursday
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i’m sitting at the bar of a restaurant and this guy is manspreading so hard into me and the barstools are screwed to the floor so I can’t move am I legally allowed to push him over
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has the couple making out while laying on the ground of the Delta terminal at LAX considered....not......doing that?
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i’ve never seen game of thrones but based on twitter i’m super proud of (checks notes) arya?
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super platonic guy friends complimenting u on ur appearance will never not be funny they’re like “bro no homo bro but u look mad nice tonight”
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freshmen year i was so organized and had color coded everything and my textbooks ready to go day 1 now it’s the first day of senior year and i’m only 60% sure i didn’t have class today but couldn’t be bothered to check
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can someone explain to me why a real, live horse is tied up outside a starbucks in the MIDDLE of los angeles
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remember freshman year of high school when everyone would make videos of them poorly wall twerking in a sports bra and spandex to Gas Pedal and everyone else would judge them. a simpler time.
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you want to marry someone who will pregame your kid’s little league games with you, i want someone who will roll with me at a wigglez concert. we are not the same sweetie.
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before you reply with your bad take consider i muted this 140k likes ago and I don’t care :)
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why would alabama outlaw abortion that’s like the one place we absolutely don’t need more people coming from
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this has got to be the most idiotic “only at USC” crime to have ever happened
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omg i hate this is how i found out
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i can’t believe my junior year started with me getting robbed by someone posing as my uber and ended with me getting rear ended by a bus and neither of those were the most wack thing to happen to me this year
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so in this scenario they could be deemed too immature to have an abortion but not too immature to be responsible for being a mother and having to raise a baby?
Florida abortion bill would require judge to rule if teen's mature enough to terminate pregnancy
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why do flat earthers think we are being lied to tho like what would be the purpose of lying and saying the world is round i don’t get it
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the venn diagram of guys who don’t think rape is a big deal and guys who definitely punched a hole in drywall over the U2 album being forcefully put on their phones is a circle
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hearing your friends complain about getting paid $16 an hour when their old internships paid $22 an hour:
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this day has been absolutely havoc on my DMs. lots of men either calling me a bitch and telling me to die or trying to buy my underwear and absolutely nothing in between.
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i jokingly started beef with my local trader joe’s and now i’ve been interviewed twice about it so safe to say that, per usual, i took things too far
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every time I see a man’s “hot take” of “well if women just keep their legs closed then abortion wouldn’t even be an issue” I have to close my eyes and breathe deeply for like 30 seconds to calm myself down
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the worst part about being a 20 something year old addicted to tiktok is it has completely skewed my targeted ads into thinking i am a teenage girl. stop showing me prom dresses I have a bachelor’s degree.
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everyone gives boys without bedframes shit but i present to you the final boss: the boy i used to hook up with who doesn’t use a towel after he showers (?)
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can i get a “it’s sunday night and overwhelmed by the weight of my existence” in the chat boys
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i just took 3 back to back cumulative finals and not to be facetitious but i would easily pay one million dollars for someone to come crack my back and give me a drink
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riding my horse in my waist trainer bc i am a horse girl second and a thot first
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happy one year anniversary to the most confusing crime i have ever been a victim of: someone stealing one single hubcap off my 2012 ford focus
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Not only do I not have a graduation ceremony and I am entering into one of the worst job markets in modern history, my college is also trying to make me pay $12.95 for the PDF version of my diploma
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they should give you recess as an adult. i want to run around in the sun for 30 minutes after lunch with my friends what is an "email"
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the best part of having a viral tweet is definitely the death threats
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my dad bought an 18 stall horse farm just to make my mom and i happy and guys really think i’m gonna let them treat me poorly? i mean YEAH I am but i really should have higher standards for myself
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i'm not gonna lie i'm starting to get a lil salty that i consistently get more likes on twitter than instagram
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british food is so bland i’m starting to understand why they felt the need to conquer most of the world over some damn spices
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as i was leaving a diner today the security guard up front stopped me and told me a guy out in the parking lot was taking pics of me when i was inside and now :) i :) can’t :) sleep :) men :) are :) terrifying :) :) :)
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i wish i could explain to my animals the concept of college so they don’t wonder why i continuously keep abandoning them
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remember when girls got mercilessly made fun of for all dressing like harley quinn and then last night every guy and his dad felt compelled to dress like the joker haha good times
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a guy meant to text me “wish i was kissing you at midnight” but it autocorrected to “wish i was killing you at midnight”
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it’s going to be hilarious when our generation starts running for the presidency and everything was posted online so old finsta posts of the candidates doing keg stands and railing lines get unearthed
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what is everyone in a happy, committed relationship trying to prove
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I feel like I’m back in high school. I have to ask my parents permission to leave the house and I have to promise I’m not going to a party.
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what if we🙊🙊 got quarantined for coronavirus together for 2 weeks🙈🙈🙈
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