Dave-O
@sharkodile
Followers
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Following
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People say "are you sure this is the hill you want to die on?" Bitch I will die on every motherfucking hill. I will haunt the fuck out of this entire goddamn mountain range.
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yo @LiquidDeath you guys need to sponsor comedian @ellorysmith ! she is amazing and she drinks LD all the time
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nobody is asking the important question about the #DoomsdayClock- is it analog or digital?
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every time the World Cup is happening- me: "so each game is 90 minutes?" soccer: "yeah plus a little extra time" me: "how much extra?" soccer: "eh who knows" me: "isn't someone keeping track?" soccer: "Oh of course" me: "but they don't tell us how much?" soccer: "lol nah"
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If what 1 billionaire is doing to twitter is stressing you, wait until you hear what ALL of them are doing to EARTH. 🌍
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cracking up at the thought of Jaden Smith slamming his bedroom door and blasting "Parents Just Don't Understand" after his dad yells at him
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maybe your toxic trait is thinking an adorable quirk is the worst thing about you
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for NASAs next feat, they're going to hit an asteroid in order to direct it *towards* an impact with Earth
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but... [car alarm going off futilely in the distance]
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the term 'sleeper cell' always has a negative or dangerous connotation, but I low-key want to join one cuz it sounds chill AF
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@bjnovak can't in good conscience post spoilers, but there were a couple things you did with the movie that I fukn loved
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She's a 10, but that only makes you realize how much better the metric system is than whatever the fuck we use
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Elon Musk is like the real life version of the quote “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”
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"Oh yeah? well I'm DRIVING here" what that cab driver who fucked up the shot in Midnight Cowboy wishes he had said
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I think the next popular TV drama to end should have its series finale be the cast walking into a diner, making brief eye contact with Tony Soprano sitting at a booth, and then cut to black
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imagine being the kind of person who thinks the president controls gas prices
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