the owl's distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

https://t.co/bRaOA1jxOU

Once upon a time, in a little house in the woods...

you can't even govern your majority bro

boss: you’re fired me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

We experience this dark passage towards the Light, together

I just wanna live long enough to be arrested by a robot

put that fucking onus where it belongs

me: pass me that book, Mark Mark: no. i don’t wanna lose my place me: well maybe u should invent something that saves your place in a book, Mark Mark: u mean like a place-holder or a page-keeper or a spot-returner or a

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

there’s nothing sadder than wilted lettuce . ok, maybe losing your job or getting divorced or stubbing your toe, but, still, wilted lettuce. c’mon

we've come full circle; all these corporate apps and digital services can be replaced by one chicago bookie and a giant chalkboard

She looked like the kind of gal who had very few spiderwebs in the back of her bass amp, if I may be so bold.

The only thing holding back my mini-golf game is my excellent long-game.

*cool hand luke voice* MAKE'N A TWEET BOSS

Why do treadmills use electricity instead of producing it?

A proper doomsday scientist keeps a bottle of very good scotch to toast the end of the world. Not sure how he can afford it on a crackpot's salary.