wife: i’m going into labor husband: when wife: now husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

my liver calls me at night and just breathes into the phone

[my uber driver coughs one time] me: just let me out here

[uses the term ‘balls deep’ six times during a job interview at khols]

my foot fell asleep which means it trusts me

therapist: not everything is about you me: then why do you write down everything i say

driving instructor: don’t touch the orange cones me: [already wearing one like a hat] take a pic of me

“If you do your best, who can take that away from you?” One person. My mother.

[listening to someone read a poem they wrote] this is none of my business

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Show up a few minutes early for your interview. Try to wear a shirt, and remain calm. If you don’t wear a shirt, that’s ok too. Tell them you have a normal amount of shirts at home and it won’t happen again.

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

god: how are they doing down there angel: [long cigarette drag] not good

olive garden host: welcome to ol- me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

[being thrown from a moving vehicle] right here is fine

if you wanna make a real butterfly (from scratch) you gotta glue two falling leaves to a worm and throw it in the air

here is my cat and jack nicholson

ME: may i see a milk list WAITER: a milk list ME: that’s right WAITER: we only have 3 kinds ME: you got chocolate WAITER: yes ME: what year WAITER: why this one of course ME: bring the jug

please no spoilers i will never see this movie but i do want you to stop talking

had to say goodbye to my grandpa today he says he needs to cut the losers out of his life

took my dog out to do her business (she is a drug dealer)