Rob Beckett
@robbeckettcomic
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retired from international football.
Joined November 2009
Surely all crime is retrospective unless you are psychic?.
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Green laser for sale. Only used it once. Open to offers DM me if interested.
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Just a note on ‘it’s coming home’ it’s not arrogant. No English person believes it. It’s just all we’ve got. That song and losing at penalties.
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I’m going to the semi finals of the Euros at Wembley and I’m going to lose my fucking marbles. Bucket hat on my head and up my arse. Come on England!.
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Just found this pen from 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. 😂😂😂
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I’m tempted to do the school run still in my England shirt and bucket hat.
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I just tried to find a photo to see what I was doing on 20th May 2020 when Boris had a boozy garden party. There was no photo because I was doing FUCK ALL like the rest of the country locked up indoors.
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I don’t do politics. I don’t care if you are Labour, Tory or other. Everyone has a right to vote for who they want. However we also have a right to refuse to be led by liars and criminals. They are mugging all of us off regardless of our politics.
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Please can someone bring back normal non celeb Big Brother. I can’t watch fit idiots pretend to fancy each other for a brand deal anymore. I want small town legends chucked in a house for 3 months for a £100k cash prize.
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If you cook and eat a Sunday Roast today in this weather then you need to seek medical attention immediately.
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No Chillwell or Mount because they hugged their mate. Scotland team can play because no one saw them hug their mate. I can’t watch my daughter’s sports day but she can come home from school and give me a hug after playing with her friends all day. What a load of fucking bollocks.
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Right so I have a confession. I’m not Traffic Cone. It’s a wind up. However it’s got so out of hand the actual Traffic Cone has angrily messaged me telling me to stop saying I’m traffic cone. So for the record, I’m not Traffic Cone. But I now know who is. 😂😂😂 #MaskedSingerUK.
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If a trampoline blows into my garden and I manage to secure it into the ground? Do I get to keep it? What’s the rules on that?.
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My swearing in person and online has been absolutely appalling during the last few England matches so I just wanted to apologise to absolutely fucking nobody.
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Send location.
There’s not one bloke who looks good in a bucket hat. Prove me wrong. I’ll wait. 🗑.
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If you ever see me out and about and want a photo please just ask. The sneaky photos you take of me and my kids make you look like a paedophile.
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If you beep a learner driver because they are driving slowly you’re a stone cold prick. It’s easy to feel powerful when you’re experienced. We were all learning once.
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Mid scroll remember NYE is always shit and everyone else is lying about the brilliant time they are having.
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This is the worst Arsenal and Man Utd have been in 20 years and they are still better than Spurs.
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Felt a bit stressed and overwhelmed the last couple of days. The clocks changing don’t agree with me. So I took some time out to chill out and breathe. I’m feeling better. I think it’s good to show balance. You normally only see me with a massive shit eating grin on the telly.
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Difficult second album for me tonight on Instagram. I’m gonna get pissed and see what happens. Wish me luck. #seeyoubythebins.
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Tough ending to what was one of the most exciting last 4 weeks of my life. We go again.
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Last night at the boxing I was in the crowd and the tv camera went on me when Sweet Caroline came on and I was drinking water. I’ve never been so ashamed. I would like to apologise to everyone especially my parents.
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I’m completely done with Summer. Can we just accept it’s Autumn now and wear jumpers and start getting excited for Christmas?.
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I’ve kept it a secret for far too long. I’m an unbelievable footballer. Gareth it’s not too late to change your mind. Do the right thing and take me to the World Cup. See my full audition tape 16th November on Sky Max 🙏🏻⚽️🏆
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It’s my wife’s birthday today. Absolutely horrific timing. At dinner tonight I will be looking into her eyes thinking about Foden and Grealish. #EnglandvsScotland.
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Who the fuck is Sue Gray? Next time.My wife asks me why I got in from the pub covered in sick at 3am I’m gonna let her know that Sue Gray is looking into it.
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I love this England team so much. Feels like they would have a tear up for each other in a Wetherspoons. That’s what elite level sport is all about.
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I’m gonna say something quite mental and I think it’s gonna lose me followers. But my favourite crisps are Texas BBQ Pringles.
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I am announcing my retirement from music festivals. At the age of 35 it’s time hang up my boots. I’ve had a great run over the years. But I’ve got nothing left in the tank. The hangovers are too much and I get gut rot from the cheap beer and shit food. Thank you for the memories.
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Look itv are pissed off with me. The tweet was an accident. I’ve been quiet the last few days. They still won’t pay me so I don’t care anymore. I’m traffic cone. Don’t give a shit if it’s a spoiler. #maskedsinger.
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Just thinking about what I would have spent 2.5 million dollars on at 18. It would have been mainly vodka red bulls and Von Dutch caps.
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Solo parenting as my wife is away for a couple of nights. The school run with two kids is a fucking nightmare. Who are these crack heads with 4 or 5 kids. How do you survive life?.
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I’m gonna be so depressed if I have no messages when WhatsApp starts working again.
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We’re in a fucking final! In other news @LloydGriffith dropped his phone in the toilet at Wembley and I laughed so much I thought I was going to be sick.
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We’re gonna beat everyone. Denmark, Spain and Italy all on the same night. Line them up.
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Imagine if Instagram, Facebook and WhatsApp stopped working forever? I think it might be better that way.
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Am I going mad or has Teddy done absolutely nothing wrong and Faye is being bang out of order? #LoveIsland.
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Dear people on Twitter, just a little reminder. You don’t have to have an opinion. It’s fine to not know or care. All the best. Rob.
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Time to go through my list of apology texts that need sending.
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Teddy is a fucking King. I can’t believe how he is keeping his cool in the face of this awful screaming. What a gentleman. #LoveIsland.
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Well done @Channel4 for putting the tennis on terrestrial telly. A lot of young kids will have watched that and have been inspired. Even if it was a disgustingly late bedtime for the parents. 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻.
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Say hello to me at 16 where I look like a 56 year old car salesman called Keith. For a full explanation of why I look like this buy my book A Class Act. Which is released next Thursday. #AClassAct
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I’m an influencer now. Where’s my Boo Hoo Deal?.
There's been a huge 920% rise in searches for ‘It’s Coming Home Bucket Hat' on eBay UK. We wonder who we can thank for that? Cough @robbeckettcomic cough 😉 #ENGDEN
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Blue Monday is bollocks. Big companies and the media just want to convince you that you’re fed up so you buy their stuff. The sun is out go for a walk and get some fresh air. Maybe listen to my podcast and buy my book/tour tickets. 😛😛😛#BlueMonday.
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Don’t be a hero. Give in and get out of bed and have a cold shower. Then lie on your bed naked with a fan aimed directly at your genitalia. Thank me in the morning.
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I’m so giddy. Desperately trying to forget that Italy are still in the tournament.
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Fucking hell. I’ve just remembered Arsenal are getting filmed for the Amazon documentary. This is awful.
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New COVID rules from Boris. Do whatever the fuck you want just please let me carry on as the Prime Minister. P.s anyone fancy a pint in the garden?.
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To the person that nabbed my Nandos off the delivery driver outside the stage door in Woking, I will find you and I will end you.
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Big day for me and my wheelie bins. Crocs and coat on ready for action.
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To all the snobby sports journalists that roll their eyes when Sweet Caroline is played. Go fuck yourselves.
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Bucket hats assemble.
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Why is it always blokes with tiny dicks that get them out?.
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Is there a better Chinese takeaway than the ‘back home from holiday with no food in the fridge Chinese takeaway’?.
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I’m loving the fact people think I have a social media team. All crowded round me filming me eat chicken by a bin.
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Your A-Levels results don’t really matter. As long as you worked hard and tried your best. Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard. Keep grafting and believe in yourself and you’ll have a good life.
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If I was in the Love Island villa I think I would get annoyed with the girls sitting on the kitchen worktop with their bare bikini arses. Anyone with me or am I an old moany Dad now?.
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Has anyone else laminated their double jabbed vaccine card or am I just a fucking legend?.
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Imagine if in the next week England win the Euros, Boris announces the theatres are open so I can go back on tour and Reading Festival is allowed to happen which I’ve got a ticket for. I think I’ll get a boner that lasts for decades.
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I’m at the weak and emotional stage of my hangover. I just cried looking at this painting my 5 year old did because I was so proud.
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This is what it’s all about! That moment will be remembered forever by that girl and her Dad.
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For every photo of a pet I see on Instagram I’m going to cut down a tree.
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I don’t wanna sound like a drunk twat. But Noel and Liam made me feel that a working class kid could take on the world. They did it and I’m so thankful for that. @oasis.
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When you see people in the Glasto crowd crying, it’s hard to know if they have a deep emotional connection with the song or they are already knee deep into their come down.
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All jokes aside I’m gonna have a month off the booze. If you see me drinking alcohol in the next 4 weeks show me this tweet and I’ll buy you a drink or give you a fiver.
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This is a public service announcement. Avoid @British_Airways until they have sorted out their IT and staff problems. Absolute shambles. They are all over the place. Especially if you’re travelling with kids. Fingers crossed we have a flight home. They aren’t sure. 😂😂😂.
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I like this photo. Makes me look like I’m your new Step Dad who’s got a place in Portugal you can use anytime. You hate me but you want to use my holiday home.
Tune in to @BBCRadio2 and check out @robbeckettcomic on The Zoe Ball Breakfast Show around 8:30!📻. If you missed it last night you can get Unbreakable on BBC IPlayer @
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Regarding @joelycett on the politics show. Everyone can have their own opinion on it. However one thing we all agree on is we are tired of all the bullshit. We are sick of high prices, lies and human shit at the seaside.
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If @maxwhitlock1 wins an Olympic Gold medal and doesn’t give me and @RomeshRanga a shout out for helping him in training I’m gonna be furious.
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I’m watching Wrexham play football. What’s confusing you in that photo?.
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Note to self. Next time you try and have a break from the booze. Don’t count the days on your twitter account that has half a million followers. The pressure is intense.
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I did my first sold out gig with no social distancing last night since the start of the Panny D. It was incredible. Made me remember how much I love stand up. Can’t wait for more.
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I’ve have got no idea how to toilet train a puppy. My house is currently covered in piss and shit.
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Me and the gaffer Sir Gareth Southgate in the summer of 97. Peak Pizza Hut advert era and I still wanted a selfie. 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻
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i wanna get so fucking ripped and hench this year that when someone walks into the gym and sees my body they are so intimidated they burst into tears and leave.
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Also to all the alpha men on twitter giving me shit for liking Love Island. You can suck my tiny beta dick. It’s a great show. Don’t let your massive alpha cock and balls stop you from enjoying a television show. #LoveIsland.
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Up north gigging. There’s loads of petrol! We are getting mugged off in Bromley.
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I’ve just ordered some Spice Girl Lego. I think it’s the most embarrassing thing I have ever done.
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I’m at the point of hating Insulate Britain so much that I think I would vote for a government that would pledge to accelerate climate change and stop recycling just to annoy the protestors.
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