Ray DeVito
@raydevito
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4,900
Following
1,339
Media
540
Statuses
7,554
amazing and humble comedian Rock Bottom Podcast w/ Ray DeVito
Cleveland, OH & NYC
Joined April 2009
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Pinned Tweet
If Kim Kardashian is allowed to sue Old Navy b/c a model looks like her, then Khloe Kardashian should expect a lawsuit from Chewbacca.
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The first doctor to call it “cancer” obviously had an ex wife who was born in July..
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I don’t care if you’re male or female, if you wear a scarf indoors I assume you’re the lead singer of the Spin Doctors
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Any guy who says he prefers a woman w/ long hair has never had to live & share a bathroom w/ a woman who has long hair..
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Hey debt collectors quit calling at 8am; obviously I'm not going to answer, if I was awake, I wouldn't be in debt..
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People who use the phrase 'reading for pleasure' it sounds like you touch books inappropriately..
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Good news: I still fit in the jeans that I wore in high school; Bad news: I'm still wearing the same jeans that I wore in high school..
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I saw a picture of Sigmund Freud’s mom, she’s not as hot as I thought she’d be..
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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I'm sure the guy who invented the Lazy Susan, had a very healthy relationship w/ his wife Susan..
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You guys can drink bleach if you want.. but, I like to party so I'm going to do a few lines of Ajax
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I'm not attracted to a woman b/c she smokes cigarettes, I'm attracted to her willingness to make bad decisions
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Body lotion in a hotel room is their way of saying 'If you want entertainment here....do it yourself’
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Women say eyes are the sexiest part of a man's body. Thanks ladies, you picked the only part of our body that we don't want you to touch
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My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School "Look both ways or you die"
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If you were a professional wrestler in the 1990's and you're still alive... then I don't think you took your wrestling career seriously..
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Someone has to be the best looking guy on this bus; It's not me, but I'm definitely in the top seven..
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The average cost of having is $45/day, I know people love their children, but that's like waking up every morning & seeing a parking ticket..
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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Last night I made a girl scream during sex, I forgot to wash my hands after eating jalapeños
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Dudes who miss child support payments should have to get their kids face tattooed on their neck. Oh, they already do that, nevermind
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@riotwomennn
When I was a kid, I thought the only problem w/ John Hughes movies is that there's no way that kids could ever be as horrible as the bullies in those movies, and then I saw these douchebags & stand corrected...
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Snooki has a new lipstick called Snookilicious, which is more alluring than the original name ‘Cold Sore Concealer’
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George W. Bush got his own library today; that is as insensitive as giving Stephen Hawking his own treadmill
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Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
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I once blew $80 on Coke. It was in a hotel room in Vegas, God Damn mini-bars..
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My girl & I have chemistry.. some call it narcotics, but we call it chemistry..
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These NFL issues started when Goodell got rid of end zone dancing, more dance equals less violence, Kevin Bacon taught us that
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Giving flowers to a hospital patient seems insincere, it’s as if you’re saying ‘Worse case scenario, you outlived these plants’
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In response to the Viagra commercial I saw, yeah I too have trouble maintaining erections when I’m alone at sea trying to fix a sailboat
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Giving flowers to a hospital patient seems insincere, it’s as if you’re saying ‘Worse case scenario, you outlived these plants’
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Mel Gibson says he’s wants to give Lindsay Lohan career guidance; Yes, and maybe Wesley Snipes can help her file taxes
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The Boston Bomber on the cover Rolling Stone is shameless, but they've put the guy who shot Kurt Cobain on the cover a few times too
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Mixed Signals: Rappers claim it’s not a game, yet their attire consists of ball caps, basketball shoes, & jerseys
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I hope I’m not the only person that has to take a Xanax before looking at their bank account
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Kim Kardashian's baby is my favorite Kardashian; B/c it doesn't have the ability to talk yet
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My therapist took a call during my session, upsetting since all my calls go straight to her voicemail, so now we're talking about that..
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When you pass a drug test at work, things not say "So how close was it?"
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Subway calling employees "artists" is there way of saying, none of them have health insurance..
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If you’re being an asshole, make sure you’re next to a guy w/ a ponytail, everyone will assume it’s his fault..
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My sex drive is 8 hours, that's the longest I ever drove to have sex..
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If your girl asks for a threesome don't fall for it; it's as much fun as watching someone else jet ski
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A woman told me that my sloppy look is cute? Thanks lady for telling me that I have as much sex appeal as an infant eating spaghetti
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If not for Tinder, I’d have no idea how many attractive single women there are that have zero interest in me...
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In response to all Viagra commercials, yeah I too have trouble maintaining erections when I’m alone at sea trying to fix a sailboat..
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Shoutout to my Tinder date, who ended our date so that she wouldn’t be late to her next Tinder date..
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I can’t think of a wider gap between similar phrases than ‘showered with gold’ & ‘golden shower’
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If 500 hours on the phone w/ a dude constitutes a relationship than for a month in 2004 I was dating Ken from Dell Tech Support
#mantiteo
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People saying this was the worst week for America, aren’t seeing the same commercials I’m seeing, b/c this is the best time to lease a Nissan Sentra..
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Having a space heater is like owning a pit bull, I enjoy having it around, but when I go to sleep I worry that it might kill me..
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Hackamania in Vegas, we’re doing it, fun first night, packed house!! w/
@NLO
@BeDabbler
@whoarethesepod
@patdixon
@EarlSkakel
Hackamaniacs!!
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The first concussion of the NFL season goes to Chad Johnson's wife
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The Iron Man costume looks like a can of Coca-Cola; Either that or I can’t help but associate Robert Downey Jr w/ Coke
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Ladies why do you hate catcalling? A gay dude complimented me at the gym & I've been bragging about it now for four days..
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Willing to pay more money for Old Navy clothing that doesn't have the words 'Old Navy' on it..
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I’ve 18 hours w/o drinking and I feel amazing! Sobriety rocks!
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I don’t care if it is an asthma inhaler, take it outside, no vaping
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Kourtney gave birth to a baby girl. The good news it doesn't have the ability to talk, making her my favorite Kardashian yet
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A stranger just called me gay, in Ohio that would be an insult, in NYC it means I look athletic and my clothes fit
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The mayor of Sackets Harbor was at my show and just got a pool & invited me here to tell
@levy_sir
&
@mlcpodcast
to get their 💩 together, show me the numbers!!!
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An arm covered w/ tattoos is called a ‘sleeve’ b/c that guy will never own a long sleeved shirt. That's why a neck tattoo is called a 401k
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Good News: I still fit in the same jeans I wore in high school
Bad News: I'm still wearing the same jeans I wore in high school..
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If someone is ever defending anything Ted Nugent says, read them the lyrics to Cat Scratch Fever, and remind them that he wrote that too
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It's called lobster b/c the phrase 'expensive butter sponge' isn't appetizing
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If I fought a guy & he came back w/ an olive branch, I’d be like ‘Great.......now he’s got a weapon’
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None of us know what it’s like to be this virus. Now we do.
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Trailer for my new comedy special, if you dig it & want to watch all the Dry Bar specials use promo code: RAYDEVITO get a free month, enjoy!
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Show me an American that knows the metric system, and I'll show you show you an American who buys & sells drugs
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The Doctor told me to quit eating McDonalds, and I will, as soon as I find another place that will sell me 1000 calories for only a dollar
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Jason Collins coming out taught us all an important lesson; Male figure skaters aren't professional athletes
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Cashier at 7-eleven tells lady if she enters her phone number on the screen she’ll save $8.. Lady turns around, sees me & says “It’s OK, I’ll pay full price..”
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Pope says we need to help each other via prayer. So if any of you need help moving, give me a heads-up & I'll pray for you
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Hospital gift shops, b/c I don’t care enough about you to stop & buy something that you'd actually want..
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I use to be scared of people w/ neck tattoos, now I find them and their yoga pants annoying
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If you tell a girl you haven't had sex in awhile just say the month, no need to bring 2012 into the conversation..
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Bragging about being great at sniping is like bragging about being great at air guitar…
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As an American, I propose a trade w/ Jamacia, we get Usain Bolt & you get LeBron, Snoop Lion, & all the Kardashians you can stomach
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I'm not attracted to a woman b/c she smokes cigarettes, I'm attracted to her willingness to make bad decisions...
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I just saw a picture of Sigmund Freud’s mom, she’s not as hot as I thought she’d be..
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I've learned more about world geography in four days following Edward Snowden than I did in four years of going to high school
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Tomorrow my
@drybarcomedy
special is being released, It came out great, so watch it you punks!! use promo code RAYDEVITO and get a free month, do the 7 day free trial too, fun times!
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If money is the root of all evil, than my financial situation proves that I’m the nicest person alive..
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I'm sure the guy who invented the Lazy Susan, had a very healthy relationship w/ his wife Susan..
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Only 20 minutes b/c even on his own podcast he can’t headline..
@levy_sir
@BurningBrennan
@bob_biggerstaff
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I just put left over ramen noodles in the fridge, in case you wanted to know who is living the saddest day ever..
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“Yes ladies, high heels are sexy, but you know what’s even sexier? Comfortable footwear & MetroCards” –every dude’s bank account
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Kristie Alley called John Travolta the greatest love of her life. That's surprising, I thought her answer would've been cheesecake.
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If women saw how much money I make, they wouldn’t want equal pay..
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If you tell a girl you haven't had sex in awhile just say the month, no need to bring 2007 into the convo
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