Mike Primavera
@primawesome
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42,137
Following
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Media
1,785
Statuses
28,003
Writer, creator, blood thermos. inquiries: primavera.mike @gmail .com
Chicago, IL
Joined July 2010
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
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Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the fuck up, and everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the fuck up too.
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Little kid dressed as Batman walking around with his alive parents. Fucking poser.
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Frozen yogurt places should switch over to mashed potato bars in the winter.
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I'm an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
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If you leave your dog in the car, make sure you leave the windows cracked enough for me to get my hand in there to pet them.
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Let's have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I'll try to get a gun. Ready? I'm done.
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I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
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Relax, guy ordering a hotdog from 7-11 at 6:30 in the morning. No one is judging you. I'm the only one in here and you're me.
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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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I only work out so I'm strong enough to hold every breed of dog like a baby.
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The idea of a Trump loss starting a civil war is scary but on the other hand I have always wanted to cut a racist in half with a sword.
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Every one of Johnny Depp's scarves is from a magician he's killed.
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Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?"
Jesus: "Yes."
Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus."
Jesus: "I forgive you."
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I'm running out of tweets. I thought we'd all be dead by now.
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Did you know there's a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That's not true. I'm sorry.
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20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.
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Hollywood hasn't remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they're okay.
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Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry...
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
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Hey, little regular fry in my curly fries. Just be yourself, buddy.
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My favorite part of football is when they get together and tell secrets before each play.
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"Bro check out that DILP."
"Where? Wait what's a DILP?"
"Dog I'd Like to Pet."
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Accidentally kicked my cat in the face while playing with my dog. My dog said, "Normally we don't talk to humans, but that was fucking rad."
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Sorry I can't make it, all I have are beautiful Christmas sweaters.
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If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it. Unless you're a hobbit. That shit goes in a volcano if you're a hobbit.
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Allergies ruining your day? Lay down in the street and die. Make room for us healthy folk. Take the hint. Earth doesn't want you here.
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I just want a woman who will love me for who I am and sometimes push cake through a tennis racket and feed me dessert spaghetti.
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Sorry I wasn't listening when you were talking about your dog. I was busy looking in my phone for a picture of my superior dog.
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Doc: You have bronchitis.
Me: That's my favorite dinosaur!
Doc: Do you have health insurance?
Me: Do you take dinosaur jokes?
Doc: No.
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I have so much butt hair my diarrhea comes out as filtered drinking water.
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It puts the lotion in the basket. It puts the body wash in the basket. It puts the face scrub in the basket. This gift basket is going well.
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I don't know what a trap queen is but my neighborhood has a raccoon problem and I could use all the help I can get.
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I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
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I like how every time a doctor pulls some medicine into a syringe they squirt a little bit out for their fallen homies.
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You are never alone on Valentine's Day if you're near a lake and have bread.
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To everyone who's ever had to struggle just to get by: Don't worry. People who've never struggled a day in their lives are on the case.
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