Paddy Raff
@paddyraffcomedy
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Statuses
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Multi-award winning comedian Enquiries: info @tswmgmt .com Agent: Christian @bluebookam .com
Belfast, Northern Ireland
Joined June 2018
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Pinned Tweet
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
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My 2 yr old daughter’s reaction to seeing the Hulk go bananas for the first time 😂
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Fish waking up in the Chicago River on St Patrick’s Day
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Every pub quiz team member in 20yrs time who knows everything about Coronavirus
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Your ma getting your sisters to set the table the first time you bring your Protestant girlfriend round for dinner
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Can’t believe people are making jokes about Piers being hospitalised. Show some decorum. At least wait until he’s dead and somebody’s hacked his phone.
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Just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry’s book is available to download.
She said ‘do you want the PDF file?’
I said no, that’s his uncle.
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With Instagram down, desperate local influencers have been forced to go door-to-door
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People poking fun at those queuing in the street outside Primark today are the same people who queue in National Trust car parks to get coffee through a hatch in a horsebox from a hipster
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When everybody in mass starts to get off their seats but you’re not sure if you’ve to kneel or stand
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*reading an article in 30 AD’
‘Meet Jesus, the man who started with NOTHING & built one of the world’s fastest growing religions!’
Me: wow!
*top of paragraph 3*
‘With a little help from his father, God’
Me: fucking knew it
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When your granny sees you leaving mass after communion
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Most Irish people under the age of 40 will always remember where they were when they heard about
#LeoVaradkar
’s resignation - their parents’ box room or Australia if they’re lucky
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Interviewer: So why would you vote for a united Ireland in a border poll?
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What a powerful final episode of
#DerryGirls
It perfectly summed up what it was like to be a teenager here in 1998. Uncertainty, tension but most of all, hope. Take a bow
@LisaMMcGee
❤️
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Imagine if somebody told you as a kid in the 90’s that when you’re older you’ll be able to watch in real-time on a phone as the lead singer of Oasis has an argument with a Liverpool right-back only for Specsavers to weigh in with a zinger
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Fellas that burnt the German flag on VE day are currently sitting watching Bundesliga with 6 Franziskaner from Lidl
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Getting gradually friendlier saying hi to strangers on holiday 🚶
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Ryanair cabin crew bringing out the trolley on a 20min domestic flight
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Found this picture of my grandfather announcing the beginning of World War 2 in 1939 ❤️
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As somebody who has a sibling with special needs I’ve been waiting for this day ever since I saw this 🥳🥳🥳
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Irish Health Minister defends reopening schools (unseen interview footage)
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🎶Coleen 🎶 (parody of Dolly Parton's 'Jolene') Rebekah Vardy's statement to DCI Rooney.
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Be careful when gardening. Don't want to put extra strain on the NHS😟⚠️🚗
[as seen on BBC NI's 'The People's News']
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The first post-lockdown pint didn’t go quite how I expected 🍺
🎥 Made for The People’s News - Friday @ 9pm on BBC1 NI
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- That’s wonderful. TaigTalk, you say?
- no, TikTok, Arlene.
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*Matt Hancock entering
#ImACeleb
*
Boy George: He used to be in the cabinet
*Owen Warner’s mind*
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Genuinely blown away by the reaction to the show 😭 So glad you all enjoyed it! Not too shabby for being made in lockdown 😊. There's the link for it on iPlayer 👇🏻 it was a pilot so if the ratings & reaction is good then there could be a series 🤞🏻
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If Nigel Farage keeps making those videos he’ll end up opening for the Wolfe Tones at next year’s Féile
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Ordering Christmas decorations online: expectation vs reality
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Babe are you ok? You’ve hardly touched your St. Patrick’s Day Superquinn Pork Sausages
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Asked my son what you call the black part in the middle of your eye and he said ‘the yolk?’ so that’s how homeschooling is going
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My son’s soul trying to leave his body when he heard the toy chicken squawk for the first time
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Oprah interviewing the snakes that St. Patrick drove out of Ireland 🐍🐍🐍
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Thought I was taking a nice picture of my daughter playing with her friends until I zoomed into her in the mirror
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Knives Out & Glass Onion sound like 2 bars in the Cathedral Quarter with a shared beer garden
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Biden - 264
Trump - 214
Derry express via Dungiven - 212
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You’re gonna be able to get a train from Dublin to Istanbul before you can get one from Derry to Letterkenny
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Hate when you end up in the middle of a family argument on FaceTime 😬
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Your da on top form when we’re allowed in restaurants again
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The Tonga rugby team's crest looks like it was made by a group of cross-community teens who've been asked to come up with a new Northern Ireland flag
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Satellites passing over Ireland at 21:33 GMT picked up a collective gasp in space when Liam Neeson popped up in
#DerryGirls
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Phillip Schofield: Which former This Morning host do you think hates me the most?
Me:
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At 8 seconds it sounds like somebody from Belfast tells him to fuck off
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Judging by Instagram it’s as if the government said we’re not leaving lockdown until everyone of you bastards have climbed Slieve Donard
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POV: You’re Van Morrison’s guitarist at last night’s gig
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The fussy drinker in the group when pubs open tomorrow
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Proud to announce that my debut TV pilot ‘The Paddy Raff Show’ will be broadcast on BBC1 NI in 2 weeks time on Friday 10th July @ 9:30pm.
It’s a comedy sketch show feat. me & my own observational skits + appearances from Nigel, Fr Pat & even Granny Raff following her makeover!
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For a second there I thought these 3 were enjoying a post match Solero
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NI Executive announce 5 point plan to reduce overcrowding when gyms open tomorrow
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Still getting used to people asking for selfies when I’m out & about
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I always get nervous when the man at the dump asks you what you’re dumping. Tip: just say household waste
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In Belfast you don’t go to the zoo, the zoo goes to you
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They really should let Julian Simmons announce all new official Coronavirus legislation
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Aged 6, my son has now entered that phase of childhood which is compulsory for all kids raised in Belfast & that’s the ‘being obsessed with every morbid detail of the Titanic & its sinking’ phase. I will now play my role which is to tell him my granda helped build it (he did not)
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To answer the big question here… the rendition of Happy Birthday he’s referring to is:
Happy Birthday to you
You were born in the zoo
With the monkeys and the donkeys
And the big fat kangaroo
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Imagine this pandemic had happened in the 90’s? We’d all be refreshing teletext to see what the new rules are then the signal would go bad and all the text would be scrambled and the new rules would have random characters and letters in them and they’d actually make sense
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Nigel is back with his own lockdown anthem! He's been touting like a champion on his neighbours and anyone not social distancing so here he is with 'Phone Again’ 📞👨🏻🎶 (1/2)
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No one:
London bartender: Here’s your Guinness. £6.30 please.
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Belfast waitresses: Careful the child doesn’t scald themselves these plates are absolutely roasting so they are
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Weather presenters trying to do a report from their back garden
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Solar eclipse viewed from Belfast. Stunning 🌒
“The cosmic ballet goes on”
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