outlandish thug
@michaelhirschbb
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*account managed by parents* ambient music* stupid nonsense*
Joined January 2017
i’m on the part of the spectrum that’s just like ballers and playaz and shit.
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french people really have nothing better to do? i know nobody is speaking in this video but it must be france
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i went to high school with a girl who made fun of my tattoos bc they didn’t have any meaning but she had a tattoo of the number 20 bc “if u have 20 seconds of insane courage something great will happen” which is a quote from We Bought a Zoo.
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this is fucked up… i need to get rid of everything in my apartment
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i’m thinking about you girl, this used to be our song ❤️
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NYC quirky af like why was my Weed dealer born in 2010 ??.
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dating is hard bc my ideal girlfriend is a lesbian who wants to kill me.
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just like idk how you go home to your wife and kids at night to tell them you had a tough day with the trampoline and set of stairs to nowhere.
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my landlord texted my entire building to remind us to pay rent
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dead ass i gotta stop texting my landlord like this
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loved my dinner last night had to leave a tip for my beautiful waitress
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@halfaxaofsodom wasn’t wondering and do not care but thanks for the info a lot of people in the replies would kill for that link.
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i read an article last week that said men can absorb estrogen through the penis during sex… fellas, is sex gay?.
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@soymilkmaiden idk she cut my friend in line at the cafeteria IRL and some things can never be forgiven.
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@CiggyBam if you can’t tell that i don’t actually think this should be illegal then idk what to tell you.
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@tamphopho tell me why i tweeted this in july and have been using this in my standup for months since july and this is now blowing up on here… smh!.
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i make $115,000/year curating spotify playlists for chipotle.
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*at a girl’s house*. do you have yarn or like jingly keys i can play with?.
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in middle school someone called me gay cuz i brought a pear for lunch.
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remember in season 2 when squidward lived in an ethnoatate
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being unemployed is the most delectable prison/vacation hybrid.
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why are bar bathrooms in ridgewood like this? am i supposed to develop photos in here?
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yo deadass shoutout to the civil war that shit seems complicated as hell.
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i don’t like the way automatic soap dispensers behave… i’m not going to stick my hands out and BEG for soap.
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why tf is this man walking around brooklyn with a lantern like he’s bout to get lost in a coal mine
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i’m on the part of the spectrum that’s just ballers and shit.
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hate that i had to fix this just to set the record
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i opened hinge, after a minute of banal messaging i placed my phone on a table, and shot it with a gun.
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*doctor about to give a colonoscopy*. aight bend over pimp.
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dating is so easy because it combines my 3 favorite things which are eating, respecting women, and talking about myself.
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hi i’m here to pick up your daughter for her breastmilk i mean breastmilk i meant breastmilk i mean breastmilk i mean for our first date.
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this waitress is either so into me sexually or wants me to go home.
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my friend explaining babytron lyrics to a girl at the club… and it is NOT going well
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you are literally the people in charge.
World leaders toss a coin at Trevi for good luck fighting the climate emergency
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the government is sending me to iraq to do vape tricks for the troops.
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this is the most fascinating thing i’ve seen in so long
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so this guy walked into my daughter’s volleyball game and started cheering for both teams then went back to the locker room to offer them internships
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i would like to apologize to the first woman i ever fingered… rooting around for loose change in there… i just had no idea.
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I’ve lived in New York for a while now so I’m just gonna say it… it’s brick af outside, and i’m being deadass.
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i have such a funny tweet in my drafts but i use the “r-word” but it’s so good so like, lmk if i should tweet it.
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here’s a joke i don’t think will translate well online at all
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this joke is so stupid they told me i wasn’t allowed to do it
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remember being in a fight with a girl and trying to quell her emotions by texting her "shawty i fuck with you heavy".
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My favorite part about LA is jerking off in my friends bathroom.
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if ur balding just chop your dick off it’s over for you.
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nice penis… it would be a shame if someone were to STEAL it from you.
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having a crush has me deep cleaning my apartment, i don’t even have her phone number but what if she shows up unannounced… you think i’m about to be unshowered ?? i’m washing my balls like “what if i get impromptu dome” she’s probably at work but idc.
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