Matty
@matty_95
Followers
3K
Following
25K
Media
3K
Statuses
18K
29 || Lloyds Banking Group 💼 || Forever thinking about corgis, Scream and Long Island Iced Tea || dreaming about Girls Aloud || 🏳️🌈🏴
Joined August 2012
Me blind drunk in McDonald’s at 4am looking for my order number on the screen x
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Passengers coming to Britain WILL need a negative Covid test within 72 hours of departure
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Remember when Amanda Holden shared 5G conspiracy theories about COVID and thought the Clap for Carers was meant to block the sound of the 5G pylons being tested every Thursday night 🤣🤣.
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Me loading my phone on the Boots photo screen and realising I haven’t checked my camera roll
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Bree Van De Kamp leaving Andrew at the bus stop in Desperate Housewives.
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I don’t normally post body pics but I liked the way I looked for a change so 🤷🏽♂️
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WITHOUT GOOGLING.Name a famous historic battle.
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Cheryl was only 19 when she was selected to be in Girls Aloud.
Sir Isaac Newton was only 23 when he discovered the law of gravity.
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I borrowed Dad’s car to get around for work because of limited public transport (he’s working from home so doesn’t need it) he found out I’m not working for the next few days and slammed me in the family group chat 🤣
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Got rejected for job without getting an interview even though I had every bit of experience they were looking for and I’VE 👏🏼 HAD 👏🏼 ENOUGH 👏🏼.
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People who don’t agree that Push The Button is the Sugababes’ best single are not the kind of people you need in life.
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This is the day my life officially became complete. Honestly think my heart stopped for a second when I got the notification! 😭❤️
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I really wish Google Maps had a homosexual setting so that it would automatically take off 75% of the walking time.
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Gays on the their first day working in cyber pretending they know what to do
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I’m. ⚪️ gay. ⚪️ bi. ⚪️ gonna piss on your face, and then I’ma fart in yo mouth, yeah, then I’ma shit on these walls, Ray!
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Say what you want about OnlyFans but I just moved into my dream house at 24 🤷🏽♂️
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Someone remind me why I’ve taken on a second job at the weekends on top of my Monday to Friday 9-5 🥴
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Me - “I can’t find my ASOS black t shirt”. Mum - “You’ve probably left it on some random bloke’s bedroom floor”
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Marvel: “Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event in history”. Me:
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Jess Glynne releasing the same songs under a vaguely different title .
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I beg to differ x
I've never seen anyone look good in a yellow dress.
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I don’t actually know how to react to this, sat here basically in shock. I have been a massive fan of Cheryl for almost 10 years and this is literally our first ever interaction 😭
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Me at 9.01am on a Monday.
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Should we start to feel sorry for Boris Johnson?
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Bet there’s a Müller yoghurt hidden somewhere on that table.
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If anyone can save 2020, it’s Gale Weathers 😍.
Here’s your first look at Courteney Cox as Gale Weathers on the set of ‘SCREAM 5’ .(Source: @JustJared)
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I can’t believe I’m seeing Girls Aloud tonight for the first time in 11 years 🥹😭.
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Anytime I see dog shit on the street I just hear this scene in my head 😂
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How many tweets about coronavirus did I see this morning before getting to work at 8am?
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Me: Hiya, what table are you sitting on?. Customer: Chicken Thighs. Me: Yeah, what table?. Customer: Medium spice. Me: What table?. Customer: Peri Chips and Spicy Rice. Me: Table?. Customer: Diet Coke. Me:
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DPD: “Your delivery driver is 10 minutes away”. Me 15 mins from my flat:
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Was meant to be going out for day drinks with a guy but he’s read my message and not replied so now I’ve decided that men are trash and I’m going to the gym instead xo.
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I heard Cheryl - Call My Name in a club last night for the first time in nearly 18 months and let me tell you, it was a fucking biblical moment.
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I might actually get to see @CherylOfficial at Mighty Hoopla in September with my favourite people in the world 🤭😭🙌🏼
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The two halves of the Titanic just before it went underwater:.
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Me on the phone to my Dad after calling the car garage and not understanding anything they asked me.
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One of the bridesmaids from last nights wedding said I was very handsome and charming then asked for my number 😭 I didn’t have the heart to tell her 😂.
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Is putting a customer on hold while I answer the door for my ASOS order acceptable? Asking for a friend x.
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