no indifferent guys in 2015. no guys who forget to call. no guys who arent totally certain about u. no guys who don't know how u take ur tea

I'm engaged to a container of guacamole

i'm just mashing all life's buttons hoping i hit a cool combo through luck or accident

Kiss Me I'm Horny

in the original version of the Zapruder film, JFK shoots first

my favorite kleenex boxes r the ones with pine needles & pine cones on them. bc nothimg says softness like pine needles & pine cones

"give it to me straight doc, is it bad?" "I'm afraid you've got... IT GOIN ON" "what" "can I kiss u"

if u say grace before eating a Chipotle burrito it has the opposite effect. God gets really pissed off if you try to pin that one on Him

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

Get on this bed stud. Let me just move these Care Bears and these backup Care Bears. Let's make love.

[clown meeting] "Don't forget it's the annual circus convention this weekend. There are 143 of us going so we'll take 2 cars"

"Sir do u know why I pulled you over?" "Because you want to take me to dinner officer?" "No, god no...well, unless you want to?" [Giggles]

"HEY ASSHOLE, WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" "Not really, im terribly agoraphobic" "Really? Me too! Lemme buy you a beer man. You're not alone"

It's fun to imagine my shower is some sort of water monster throwing up over and over and over because it can see my awful naked body

It's 2015 and my cat still won't bring me a latte in bed

The patriarchy's fatal mistake was installing windows over the kitchen sink so we could see what was outside.