My dream bf
- 6ft
- owns house
- has driving lisence
- 39 years old but doesn't age
- balding except for 2 hairs
- job in STEM (eg. nuclear power plant)
- wears same clothes every day
- good taste in donuts and other meals
- been to space
- loves me a LOT
@BBCNews
Uh it’s in the title BALL room, one of them has to have balls. I only watch it for the balls. You’ve lost me, BBC. British Ball-less Competition. Me and my wife will NOT be watching.
@ABC
Gov: Hey thanks for your help, I will grant you one wish in return.
Nurse 1: Pay rise please
Nurse 2: Pay rise please god
Nurse 3: Ferry doing donuts on the Thames!
Gov: ding ding ding! I heard ferry doing donuts on the Thames!
Working a full-time job to support your creative side hustle is really difficult, but Homer managed to write the Iliad whilst clocking in at the nuclear power plant every day. Inspirational
I was LIED to as a child that work xmas parties would be in the office and not vodka revs! I was so ready to scan my ass on the printer! And put my ass on the boss' desk. And put my colleague's stapler in my ass. Mainly missing out on ass based stuff
My bf and I put the sofas together like a boat and called it the mega boat and spent 2 whole days and nights straight in the mega boat leaving only to wee and forage for food
Wow well fuck thank you this was nice
@chortle
. Thanks
@watsoncomedian
and
@ShappiKhorsandi
can't believe i even got to go on stage with you legends. Big thanks Steve and everyone who voted for me, super cool actually! !!!! Love comedy!!!
I am sans soundcloud (sans teeth, sans eyes...) So, arrest the cops who killed Breonna Taylor, Black Lives Matter and fund the British arts before it’s too late.
A father and his son are in a car accident. The father dies at the scene and the son is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital the surgeon looks at the boy and says "I can't operate on this boy he is gross!"
Every day I am stopped repeatedly in the street, in cafes or on the tube by people who say (often tearfully)
“Keep going. We are behind you. You speak for the people who thought they were dating a zookeeper but it turned out they were a cheetah.”
Girls: before you send that email, go back and delete the bit where you've written "if that makes sense". Instead, chuck your laptop out of the window and board a flight to Cuba. None of this matters
#OVConnect
I would love to meet a rich benefactor and/or patron like the young artists did in the old days. Please pay my rent, fund my art and tell your rich friends to also invest in me.
🧡POSTER REVEAL🧡I'm so excited [!!!!🤪!!!] to bring my debut comedy show Skin Pigeon to Edinburgh Fringe 2023! A stupid gorgeous character comedy show full of joy and nonsense. I can't wait for you to see it. Design by @
@markjones2751
. Pic, as always, by Will Hearle 📷
BBC Comedy Series!
Hugely honoured to finally reveal myself and
@lornlornlors
have been commissioned to make a comedy series for Radio 4. A ridiculous character-led sketch show called "Time of the Week" parodying women's news and current affairs!
It's cold.🥶 The cost of energy is rocketing.📈 And you're working from home, sat in one place all day, trying not to turn the heating on... Here are 5 EASY money saving tips from someone who's been a WFH freelancer for 35 years:
✨I can't actually believe I'm typing this but I just found out I'm a finalist in the
@funnywomen
stage award FINAL AND(!) my short has been shortlisted for the final too! WHAT ON EARTH ✨
The fact we're still getting sketches with Catherine Tate's Nanna character shows how few woman character comedians you've let do stuff on TV in the past 15 years. Outrageous.
🚨
@LORNLORNLORS
@SOHOTHEATRE
DATES NOW ON SALE!! 🚨
Fresh from rave reviews and an entirely sold out
#edfringe
run (+extra shows), the award-winning Lorna Rose Treen is bringing her debut hour SKIN PIGEON to Soho Theatre for 9 nights in October 😍🐥
I woke up like this (with Skin Pigeon as the
@telegraph
number 1 show to see at the Edinburgh fringe!!!) Thank you so much 😭can't wait for you all to see my silly show
The most BBC email to receive ever but UTTERLY THRILLED to have got a place on the BBC elevate scheme! THIS LIL NEURODIVERSE BABY IS GUNNA BE AN AP IN TELE, HUNNIES!
Also I've legally changed my name to {$recipient_firstname}
Make your gay characters complex. Problematic. Nasty fuckers who do bad things. Unapologetic. Evil. Manipulative. Unlikeable. Three dimensional. Villainous. Not just the ‘cute’ teens holding hands.
Just to spread a bit of positivity into the world - I came out as bisexual to my parents today. Their response was ‘Okeydoke!’ It was very easy and I feel very lucky to have them in my life. Happy
#PrideMonth
everyone 🧡🌈
When a Shakespeare could be set anywhere, at anytime, why does everyone set them in WW2? I wanna see Hamlet in an ant colony! I wanna see Loves Labours Lost in a failing sperm bank! I wanna see Macbeth in a McDonalds! Taming of the Shrew with real shrews
We’re mega excited to say the FRINGE 2022 PROGRAMME IS HERE!🥳 If you wanna see it (we only printed one) its on display in a locked cabinet in the Hive. You'll need a key. A man named Mick is wandering in the meadows. REMEMBER to bring Mick an offering or he'll get blood lust 🥳
Hi guys, this is Humpty's gf here. Just to let you know he had a great fall yesterday so is recovering away from twitter. He appreciates all of your messages of support as he gets himself✨together again✨
This is absolutely ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an absolute dream!!!!!!!! Thank you so so much to anyone who's come, plans to come, or has seen a wip!!!! Big thank you to
@countrymileprod
@Jon_W_Oldfield
and my incred tech opp Jake Wood
🚨
@LORNLORNLORS
HAS SOLD OUT HER ENTIRE
#EDFRINGE
RUN! 🚨
26 sell-out shows and incredible reviews - and if you didn’t manage to get a ticket, we recommend keeping an eye out later this week… 👀
Heartbroken to not get the fringe bursary. £2000 would've been a scratch on the total cost (£10000ish) but would've sincerely helped. Don't know what more I could've demonstrated. This isn't enough. Helping 50 people isn't enough. Big ty to my access support Ash
@_TheUncultured_
⭐️the Lorna is out of the bag!⭐️ I'm debuting at the
@edfringe
this year! I'm busy perfecting my social etiquette, good morals and maybe I'll leave with an eligible husband!!🤞Can't believe my luck (whaaaat!!) to work with my fab team and an actual dream to be at
@ThePleasance
💛
Unbelievably proud to announce I am the winner of 'worst joke 2023' (the Mirror)!!! Really incredible to have beaten Trump AND two sex pests(!) with my pun about the zookeeper turning out to be a cheetah 🐆
the bit in love actually where joanna points at the boy and says "and you" but then points at loads of other people and says "and you and you and you" good for you slut. good for you
Big nice day as I finally did the admin to leave BECTU and join Equity! RIP journalist Lorna, you're DEAD NOW. I will always remember those fond 5 years of working as [job title]
Spotlight: we are releasing a new feature called ACTING+. For only £200, get exclusive access to PLAYING A ZOMBIE IN THE LONDON DUNGEONS and the opportunity to RIFLE YOUR LITTLE HANDS THROUGH ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S BINS.
If you really want to be an actor, prove it ! with money!
5 🧥 It might sound simple - put on an extra jumper! And walk to your boss' house. Demand a pay rise. If they refuse, go inside their house. Put on their jumper. You're boss now. Take their wife for dinner. Attend their kid's xmas school concert. Nothing's as warming as family♥️
I forgot to post this earlier in the month but… Well down to
@lornlornlors
for the single most amazing moment of any fringe show I saw this year. Impossible to explain, but if you saw the show you’ll know what I mean. For the rest of you, i’m sure you’ll see loads of her soon!
Okay I'm actually ON Woman's Hour this morning? A proper flip turn moment from producing those years ago, to now being a guest. !!!!!!! Incredible times what is happening to my life !!!!!
🎭 Comedian Lorna Rose Treen (
@lornlornlors
) is at the
#EdFringe
for the first time with her one-woman show, Skin Pigeon.
🎤 But what does it take to get a show to the Fringe? Lorna has been recording it all for us…
🎧 Listen here ⬇️
"I like to earn my breakfast so I'll just have some green powders that I mis with brain octane oil, a collagen powder for my hair and nails, and some protein."