Katherine Ryan
@Kathbum
Followers
763,439
Following
1,396
Media
818
Statuses
9,498
I make comedy very very well or very very poorly depending on whom you ask. My life is my message - Gandhi via Matthew McConaughey
London
Joined February 2010
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Pinned Tweet
Here’s why I support
@planuk
and
#BraveGirls
everywhere, helping to end the prejudices facing girls around the world
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Not my usual area of interest but THE FUCK?!?
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Fuck off.
Grace Millane was member of BDSM dating sites, court hears
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A man who should only masterbate directly into an open flame:
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RESEARCH - and I can’t stress this enough - YOUR HUSBAND.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but Meghan Markle is a beautiful rose, grown from a pot of utter filth and it only goes to show how amazing her mother is that she was able to take that man’s garbage cum & turn it into THE DUCHESS 👑
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Like he's done every year, my dad has crossed out the passages that he doesn't feel apply to me in my birthday card.
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He didn’t make me uncomfortable.
This is why we need women in positions of power. I knew he had lost from the moment he opened his mouth like any heckler coming up against a COMIC - not a woman - a COMIC. I was operating 2/10. What a sweet boy. I defused it.
Tonight was fun! ❤️
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Before I pay this tax, the government should AT LEAST tell me which of their friends they’ve earmarked the money for so I can have a shot at seducing him out of it again.
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Not sure why women in British comedy are sharing so many stories here when we could easily tackle the issue on one of our zero primetime entertainment TV shows.
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Of course the liars lied. They’re liars. Don’t investigate, just get rid. Why do I feel like this country is dating Tristan Thompson?
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JUST TELL ME who I’ve pissed off at the photo agency & I’ll make it right 😂
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I’ve been receiving private care for a medical thing that took a slight turn sunday so I went to
@RoyalFreeNHS
Barnet AND MY SWEET LORD I’ve never experienced better care in my life. Obsessed with them.
#NHS
❤️
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But seriously, shall we stop mass farming and eating animals now? 🦆 🐖 👧🏼 🦠
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When I’m a man!
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There are Tesla charging stations everywhere but zero public breastpumping stations and I want to be treated with the same respect as an electric car.
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YES OR NO, BITCH
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As if risotto needs to be stirred constantly for 30 min what a fking drama queen god 🙄
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@AlisonHammond
ANYONE’s problem with Allison Hammond WILL BE PERSONALLY SOLVED BY ME. Let the nation’s sweetheart have a laugh, FFS she’s not going to ruin a musical, she’s here to be the light of our otherwise miserable lives.
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‘Were you born with those lips?’
I was born bald with an umbilical hernia BUT I LEVELED UP BITCH. 💋
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So you’re saying he’s single?
Man who set ex-girlfriend’s home on fire spared jail because he was ‘badly affected’ by break-up
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If you are the woman who just told my daughter she’s too old to play in the park, I’m exactly the right age to FUCK YOUR MAN BITCH so please come see me x
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FYI I HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED. I do not have an ex-husband. I have dated men but they are all sadly dead.
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I’m not even mad, cause I feel exactly this way about rich little boys who are sent away from their parents to be raised by boarding schools.
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JESUS WEPT THIS IS THE LAST TIME THEY’LL LET WOMEN DO ANYTHING 😭
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God I love bedtime. Just can’t wait to put a stop to every single day.
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Nothing would bring this country to its knees like a vegan gluten-free Bake Off season.
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Eating, traveling, witchcraft, YOU SHOULD HAVE BURNED US ALL WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE lololololol
Women get mostly infertile at 40, but live to be 80.
Without a family, what are you going to do with those 40 long long years?
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My daughter guiding prospective students around her school open day: ‘And over here is a chocolate fountain you’ll never see again’.
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The last three evenings, my daughter has been putting on a lisp to hide that she’s lost her orthodontic retainer. What gift should I bestow upon her for this genius commitment to deception?
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With tits like yours, I’d be careful.
Ridiculous outcry over Toby Young. He will bring independence, rigour and caustic wit. Ideal man for job
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I’ve been sad for a whole week, but this morning I received an invitation to the parents’ committee formal masquerade ball at my daughter’s school and my heart soared as I hurriedly RSVPd ‘absolutely not’. ❤️
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As if a pizza just arrived to the house, ordered by Violet from the schoolbus.
I’m too impressed to get mad.
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Hun the problem is you made people die alone.
“They were simply spilling out from their own offices into a secure garden"
Conservative MP Michael Fabricant defends lockdown drinks party held in a garden, that is an “integral part of No 10 Downing Street”
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You guys know other countries have air conditioning, right?
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It’s a long story but my friend is currently divorcing the person who makes my website SO THIS COULD BE A LOT WORSE TBH
@Kathbum
has your website been hacked? now goes to an Australian freight shipping company! I wanted to book your tour!
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@Nigel_Farage
I can totally appreciate how Steve Bannon seems smart to you. This must be a confusing time, hun.
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Is it disrespectful or just British that my daughter calls me ‘luv’?
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I simply wrote ‘I had a positive experience - thanks NHS’ and people have been arguing in my mentions for two days BECAUSE THIS WEBSITE IS A HOT DIAPER.
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I get weekly pedicures cause ‘I wear many different high heels at work’ and today I found out the girls at the salon think I’m a stripper. This has been the greatest compliment of my life. 🙏🏽
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Thank you
@thismorning
for letting me announce my new stand-up tour whilst looking this stunning. ☕️
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Friendly reminder that some of us are bleeding in this heat.
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One of the hottest vids I’ve seen 🥵
Just a video of Mick Lynch bodying journalists and Tories
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If you are a sex trafficked teenager who finds herself in a position to kill the paedophile enslaving you, you better
TAKE.
THAT.
SHOT.
#FreeCyntoiaBrown
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Him: You look like that American comedian.
Me: Katherine Ryan?
Him: No no not her, she's horrible.
🎃🍷
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Shit. Someone’s nanny is getting fired Monday.
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Y O U ‘ R E
@Kathbum
your literally wank material.. unresponsive like most my ex's (sex doll face) and you genuinely look like I'd be able to wipe you clean in a rush 😉😘😘
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Listening to British children waking up from a sleepover is LOL.
‘Anyone want a cup of tea? Do you take milk?’ 🇬🇧
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We met the owl from Harry Potter who is huge but weighs almost nothing and when the trainer asked if we knew why, my daughter goes ‘BECAUSE SHE’S AN ACTRESS’ and he’s like ‘uh no, she’s hollow’ which I feel is the same answer.
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One of my fav memories is from when I received a long email from my sister’s then-boyfriend about how I needed to be more involved in her life and in it, he spelled her name wrong eleven times.
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Any man who says this to you should be taken VERY seriously. I promise you that. Get help, get away.
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Bring on a second wife 👏🏽
My wife isn’t a big fan of
@Kathbum
’s standup but we watched The Duchess and she really like it. Bring on a second season 👏
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You’d think any pro-Britain group would be dedicated to the concealment that there are british men like these:
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LOVE when pre-recorded shows or reruns come out & my timeline becomes ‘SOCIAL DISTANCING?!? WaS ThIs FilMed PrE CoVId?!?’ Poor Sharon, living in a pandemic AND discovering that not all TV is live 😢
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Two weeks old and already on a panel show. It’s that easy for men.
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I’m sorry Paul but that’s what happened.
@BBCiPlayer
@Kathbum
what can I say .? I was a fan until I watched you on louie show. . Saying you sucked dick to get off work early. What a let down.
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Panic Level: the mums are making homemade hand sanitizer with aloe vera & vodka.
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What a day.
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Me paying a load of tax and voting and living here and hearing people say ‘WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS, CANADIAN?!?’
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How can the male journalist for a local print newspaper afford a £3M house on the edge of Hampstead Heath in Afterlife?
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LOL great point. We’ve been injected with hormones for decades cause you won’t wear a condom LOLLLL
It’s weird lots of these antivax dudes don’t mind a 90 percent effective drug if a woman is taking it to prevent pregnancy
#CovidVaccine
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Mother of fuck
Now they’re ‘influencing’ us to take pills to make us taste ‘sweeter’
‘You should always taste better than the next chick’?!?!?
FACK OFF
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Any comedian who can write jokes genuinely praising this government deserves to be on the BBC and also the moon and wherever that magical raw talent takes them. 🚀
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My daughter climbed into bed next to me tonight with a book & an ENTIRE PIE and I’ve never had more respect for anyone in my life.
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Powerless against moth season, I’ve started offering the children a pound for each one they kill in the house. 10/10 would recommend.
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No I don’t care because I’ve already got the money.
@Kathbum
i have had your book since release mate but i just cant be bothered ..... reading....... urrrgh...... can you either motivate me with your wise words or read it for me? Im not an Audible subscriber but is it there?
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You can tell a liar is a liar when they explain back to you their version of what you already know. 🤓 🦠 🚘
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I forgot how much I hate the day that everyone puts a photo of their child, name of child’s school & classroom, and child’s front door number on the disgusting terrible internet. 🤦🏼♀️
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My husband: ‘No, I respect him more for that. Sorry.’
BREAKING: Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriend, Camila Morrone details the “worst date of my life” with the actor.
“He rented out a whole cinema, and made me watch every single ‘STAR WARS’ movie while he ran around with his lightsaber pretending to fight bad guys.”
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@mouthwaite
If you’ll send them down the road, I’m taking the bins out pantsless in about an hour and I’ve got a new Netflix special to promote. 📸
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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it’s not for lack of pitching, friend.
@Kathbum
can you pitch an all female stand up show to Comedy Central? Feat you doing 20 mins and then showcasing other hilarious women. I want to watch that
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When will I learn not to talk politics with people I’d never discuss literally anything ever with?
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The best thing about the masks is when people pull them off to sneeze.
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I haven’t had filler or Botox for over a year and two days ago my Face ID stopped working. It’s gone 😢
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I can’t be the first person to be caught off guard and sacrifice their mask for their period.
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