Good morning, Twitter. My, what a hate-filled hellscape you are today.

"Time to relabel my spice rack!" I say, as I lick my finger and realize that whatever I just sprinkled into our food, it was not cinnamon, and my lips are burning. "Kids! Dinner!" I added.

I had a similar problem in the UK, but settled on Lemsip, a reasonable replacement, though i wasn't a big fan of the fake sugar taste. Today, I procured Dayquil packets... 2/10, tastes like drinking a cough drop.

THEY DON'T HAVE NEOCITRAN IN THIS GD COUNTRY

Working on a spec fic WIP about endangered species and food webs. ...Boy, do I need to work on my elevator pitch.

I seem to have caught a man-cold.

My latest cartoon for @GuardianBooks

I had an InBody scan today at the gym, and the results are quite pleasing: excellent muscle mass, healthy body fat percentage and distribution. "Nowhere to go but down," I tell myself as I eat Nutella with a spoon.

There is no movie that cannot be enormously improved by adding Muppets, and this is a hill I will die on.

ALL OF THEM. Forget Disney's "live-action" CGI remakes—send in the Muppets!

Write Drunk, Edit Sober: 99 reasons why Future Me hates Past Me ~An essay that I will edit later, I assume

First day of training for my new job... wish me luck! (Luck, in this case, means not falling down the stairs, bursting into tears, or vomiting from nerves. It's a low bar.)

Ok, so I've been feeding my kids now for over a decade. A few questions: Do I legally need to keep feeding them on a daily basis? Will "stocking the fridge with ingredients" suffice? At what point can I set them free to graze in the backyard, or is that frowned upon?

"Your Honour, I am not an 'experienced' cannibal..." ~@DaveSFoley

A beautiful and poignant ceremony on the perfect fall day. Thanks to all who organized and participated! #lestweforget

Do you love books and want to support their authors, but money is tight? No worries! Here are things you can do to support authors (and their books) completely free! 😊

Brrr! It's been a two-soup day so far. Should I make it three?🤔

I need everyone born after 1980 to stand up and repeat after me: " 'I have social anxiety' is not a viable personality, and I need to find something else to define me."

Now that my spaghetti sauce is simmering, perhaps I can work on my writing. ... is that a streak on the mirror?

I couldn't possibly sit down to write if the dog's bowls aren't clean.

I can't possibly write until my keyboard is clean.