“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

My favorite Christmas tradition is saying "Your ugly Christmas sweater is hilarious" to every person wearing a normal sweater

Coffee isn’t enough to wake me up anymore. Instead, I prefer to sleep through my alarm, wake up 10 minutes before I’m supposed to be somewhere, and question all my life choices in an existential panic while frantically looking for matching socks. Find what works for you.

An easy way to remember the time change: Spring FORWARD, Fall BACK into a horrible darkness-induced depression :)

IT: Good job avoiding that phishing test email we sent out! Me, days (possibly weeks) behind on responding to emails: yes thank you, I take cyber security very seriously

Think about the worst sandwich you’ve ever had and ask yourself… why was it at an airport and also 17 dollars?

There’s always a learning curve when starting a new job, but ESPECIALLY now that we have a dozen possible platforms for any single task: “Just upload your deck to Chokkr, and you’ll receive approval via You-nify. Also, don’t forget to check our vendors on Booply!”

I’m so sick of my taxes helping children and the underprivileged. I’m SUPPOSED to be helping a BILLIONAIRE pay for his 3rd YACHT like 👏 the 👏 Bible 👏 says 👏

Say what you want about the Cybertruck, but it provides the service of telling you *exactly* the kind of person behind the wheel in a way that we haven’t seen since the Hummer H3.

Started calling the middle of a loaf of bread “the king’s bread” and saying things like “a cheddar this fine demands the king’s bread!” This is just one of the many ways I have scraped joy out of a cold and unaccountable universe.

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get? “Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night” Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

“What are those, uh… mice?… that drive the… uh, the Hyundai?” -my girlfriend, flawlessly referencing the hamsters from the old Kia Soul commercials

“Do you have a flavor?” La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

Why should MY taxes pay for childcare if I don’t have kids? Also, why should MY taxes pay for a fire department when my house isn’t currently on fire?

a little 90s nostalgia for yall. who else misses the razorblade store

UPDATE: I am no longer accepting criticism from people I wouldn’t take advice from

[Zoom call] Coworker: Do you mind just sharing your screen so I can see exactly what you’re talking about? Me: There are actually very few things that I mind more than that.

sorry to say that Mercury is no longer in retrograde so that thing is actually a you-problem again

Did accidentally saying “love you, bye” at the end of my job interview help or hurt my chances? Like, I definitely want the job, but I don’t really want to meet the HR team yet

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING: Hiring recent college grads REQUIREMENTS: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

I’m sick of pretending like soap doesn’t taste like cilantro