Jay Black
@jayblackisfunny
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Comedian. Screenwriter. Producer. Recovering Monster. if you wanna watch me do standup or visit my other socials.
New Jersey, USA
Joined March 2008
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어린이날
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こどもの日
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子供の日
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鯉のぼり
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GW最終日
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ジャンタルマンタル
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アスコリピチェーノ
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予選突破
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マリカ杯
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#光る君へ
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JR京都駅
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ルメール
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Happy Easter
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महाराणा प्रताप
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アフター
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#PBKSvCSK
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ロジリオン
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Braverman
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Ginting
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予選通過
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#鉄腕DASH
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シェリン
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連休最終日
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Wofai
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ERINNNNNN
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えーりん
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Pinned Tweet
Okay, this is a new bit that I’m particularly proud of.
I hope you enjoy it:
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Please give Lauren Boebert’s family the same decency and respect in this time of crisis as she and the rest of the republicans have given Hunter Biden.
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I feel terribly for Justice Kavanaugh.
He tried to make a choice, namely where his body should be and what should be inside of it.
Then a small group of people unrelated to him showed up and made it impossible for him to make that choice.
…hey wait a minute!
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“Waaaaaaaah! Someone I agreed to do an interview with posted it and now everyone thinks I’m a dead-eyed, molasses-brained hate monger simply because that’s exactly what I am! Waaaaaaaaaaaah!”
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@elonmusk
Elon, buddy, you’re just radiating “substitute teacher who’s in over his head” energy right now.
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Hey, as the parent of a kid with a speech impediment, let me just make a blanket statement:
To conquer a stutter & deliver a speech to hundreds of millions of people is a much bigger accomplishment than “borrowing money from dad”.
Your jokes about it are tired.
#SOTU
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BREAKING: Andrew Tate has hired international lawyer/neurologist/aquarium-technician GEORGE SANTOS to represent him.
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CIA Director: Okay, so it’s agreed, we force Taylor & Travis to date, fix a series of NFL games, & then have them come out for Biden at the Super Bowl.
CIA Agent: If we have this much power, why not just throw Trump in jail?
CIA Director: BECAUSE WE LIKE TO HAVE FUN, OK KYLE?!
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“Hi, I’m the guy who drove the getaway car for the guy who robbed your house.
I’ve written a book about what it was like working for him and I’d love it if you bought it.”
— every Bill Barr interview
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As a man who used to abuse adderall, listen to my expert opinion:
What’s left of Trump’s brain was vibrating through the Speed Force tonight.
They gave him the shot Pink got during “Comfortably Numb”.
He had more adderall in him than an entire class of kids taking the SATs.
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@nytdavidbrooks
It’s true, you guys.
My family has had to cut back to only eating at airport restaurants 4 nights a week.
THANKS JOE BIDEN!
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I hope NYC will be okay. 60% of its economy is Dilbert calendars.
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You can’t break into the Capitol while they’re certifying an election to exercise your free speech rights, Rebecca.
Like, it’s legal to bake cupcakes, but if I break into the Smithsonian and use Neil Armstrong’s astronaut helmet as a mixing bowl, I’m going to jail.
I am still in utter disbelief by Thursday’s verdict. Never in my life did I imagine my own government would charge me as a criminal for exercising my religious liberties and rights to free speech, which are guaranteed by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. They are…
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If you supported 1/6, I don’t want to hear from you about 9/11.
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Bret Baier just got Trump to admit that he ordered the Code Red on Private Santiago.
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Hey, millennials and zoomers who are dealing with your first bout of World War III panic:
Find yourself a Gen X friend to see you through it.
We spent the entirety of our childhoods prepping for nuclear war, alone, while eating Pop Tarts cold from the foil.
We got you.
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@ProjectLincoln
I am starting to regret being born on the same planet as Donald Trump.
I’m going to vote so hard I’m gonna pull a muscle.
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@ask_aubry
It’s ironic that the Christians who insist on mentioning heaven the most are the ones least likely to be allowed in it, should everything they profess to believe be true.
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@elonmusk
What counts as “reading?”
Like, does scrolling by count as “reading”?
Because, if so, that’s not a lot.
Are you sure you can’t just send an intern out for a few thumb drives or whatever and fix this?
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So, Fauci was waiting for 40 years, along with the deep state, for a novel Coronavirus to infect the world so they could pounce with their plan to mask everyone, so that, uh, people would mask, and uh, then they’d be controlled, and uh… then what?
What’s step two? Hats?
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@JoyAnnReid
If Conservatives boycotted every company that offended them, their entire lives would just be eating Goya beans out of MyPillow cases.
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@LindseyGrahamSC
Remember when you guys wouldn’t let Merrick Garland have a hearing because it was an election year?
And then you farted Amy Barrett through eight days before an election?
Why don’t you look under your fainting couch for where you integrity went, Linds.
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@atrupar
No, this is true. I recently found Hunter Biden’s TI-80 graphing calculator at a goodwill store in Fond du Lac, WI, and it’s full of plans to get rid of God.
We need to take this seriously, guys.
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@RonFilipkowski
It’s hilarious that Marge thinks we need to do any kind of editing work to make her look bad.
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Man, I’d hate to be the one who’ll have to explain all this to
@erictrump
once he’s old enough to understand.
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@nytdavidbrooks
This bow just cost me $78,000 at my local dealership. This is why Americans think Lexus’s December to Remember is terrible.
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I’m about to do the dumbest thing you can do on Twitter: be sincere. So, buckle up, I guess.
1/15
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Elon Musk is so white I’m surprised Don Jr. hasn’t tried to snort him.
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@ask_aubry
Free period products? Y’know girls are just gonna run wild and have seven or eight periods a week now. Y’know, just for fun!
(I feel like men should probably talk to someone other than their silicon sex dolls before commenting on reproductive health.)
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@ask_aubry
I’m a comedian & I’ve got lots of free time.
So, I’ve been room parent for all 3 kids.
My wife laughs because the other moms are always sooooo nice to me.
“Men get credit just for showing up.”
She’s correct. Men need tougher standards & women need to be cut A LOT more slack.
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@Acyn
You’re right, Cooper.
But you guys didn’t need to let Trump stay in HIS silo and only hear from people who agree with HIM.
Force Trump to face the same stakes you’re setting for your audience and we’ll be less likely to shout “CNN!” next time we stub our toes.
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@dutchessprim
I’d like him to make the same offer to his surgeon next time he’s in for a procedure.
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Elon Musk is trying to buy Twitter for $42 billion so he can turn it into a MAGA-friendly hate box.
As a counter to this, today I’m announcing my intent to purchase Truth Social for $217.
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@gtconway3d
And just like Carter did, after his single term, Trump will start a life of service to others.
Only difference: Carter did it willingly. Trump will just be doing it to earn money to spend in the prison commissary.
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@tedcruz
How is our army emasculated?
Did Donald Trump insult its wife and father and it just stood there and took it with a sad smile on its face?
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@ProjectLincoln
Surely not being able to remember the name of the dementia test you took is an indication you didn’t do that great on it.
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I wonder if there are radicalized Q horses who are refusing ivermectin for their worms and instead taking the Pfizer Covid vaccine.
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Here’s how my brother died:
He was an alcoholic who drank himself into a coma.
When he got out of the coma, he got sober, but he had irreversible damage to his liver.
3 years later, he got a hernia.
1/
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@ask_aubry
If you’re the kind of guy who thinks a woman using a period tracker means that she’s cheating on you, just know that’s why you don’t have a woman in your life.
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Marjorie Taylor Greene is currently trying to end her Twitter ban by rubbing ivermectin on her phone.
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@tedcruz
Wait, you’re only sending prayers?
What about thoughts, Ted?!
WHAT ABOUT THOUGHTS?!?!
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@RonFilipkowski
When they’re shouting “Let’s Go Brandon” at the end… are they yelling at Dan Crenshaw? The girl?
Or does MAGA just shout that now whenever they’re uncomfortable, like Macaws screeching at a predator?
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My wife’s cousin is having a birthday party for her two-year-old today in a BLATANT attempt to distract from Hunter Biden.
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“Why would I ever get a vaccine when I could get monoclonal antibodies” is like saying “Why would I ever get an oil change when I have an extended warranty?!”
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@JohnJHarwood
Guys, there’s a chance that Bill Barr might get fired two or three times before the night is out.
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@JennaEllisEsq
That your response to being indicted on RICO charges is to post a picture of a scripted platitude that looks like it hangs in some Wine O’clock Mom’s kitchen makes me think your best legal defense might be to start singing as soon as they turn the music on, Jenna.
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@GOPJosh20
On the plus side, Josh, you’ll be able to use this tweet when you get to ratios in math class.
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My wife: “Your problem is you’re way too smart and weird so you’ll never be popular because your content will only appeal to other smart weirdos and there just aren’t a lot of them in the world.”
So, one: ouch.
Two: Congrats for following me, all you super-smart weirdos!
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@laurenboebert
“Enlies” — what I love about this is you had to actively fight autocorrect to do it.
Like, you had to tell your phone, “no, this is the right way, I don’t care what you think”, which sums up your thoughts about everything.
What is Lauren Boebert if not stupid perservering?
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@kylegriffin1
Huh, according to MAGA not being able to remember things during a deposition means that you’ve got dementia.
Poor Ivanka. On the bright side, maybe she forgot she married her semi-sentient sac of tapioca husband.
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@Acyn
So Trump was casually reading TOP SECRET documents, alone, in his office, 18 months after he was done being president as part of his “work”?
I mean this entire house of poorly printed cards falls apart at the idea of Trump “reading” or “working”, let alone the rest.
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Bad news guys, I just found out that a caravan of migrants will be giving out rainbow-fentanyl-dusted Hunter Biden Laptops for Halloween.
Between this and a flute I didn’t know about being played, I don’t even RECOGNIZE this country anymore.
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@marcorubio
Oh look everyone, Marco invited us all to play a game of “Stupid or Liar” with him!
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@Acyn
Oh yeah, well as long as we’re all making up stuff that totally happened, I was once shot out of a cannon for not wearing a Trump hat at a performance by the London Philharmonic!
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@mcuban
The sound you hear is the brains of MAGA sizzling up like sausage on a diner stovetop as they try to figure out a way to explain how Mark is “well ACTUALLY” wrong…
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@RpsAgainstTrump
Just a reminder that Biden navigated much tighter margins than the republicans had in 2018 & still managed to produced the infrastructure bill Trump could never push through along with a whole slew of beneficial legislation.
Almost as if competence & leadership, y’know, matter.
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@MollyJongFast
@taylorswift13
I don’t know anything about Taylor Swift except my daughters like her a lot, that she recorded new versions of her songs to win back her stolen copyrights, and the words she’s saying in this clip right here.
My verdict, based on the above info? She’s awesome.
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Hey, do you think free speech warrior Elon Musk would be cool with it if Tesla employees used Twitter to organize a union?
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@ask_aubry
Dear God.
Guys, until we have to pass a coconut out through the tip of our penis and then care for it until it graduates with a communications degree from a midlevel state university, I think we ought to keep our opinions about childbirth to ourselves.
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@RonFilipkowski
It must have been scary when Ben Shapiro walked into the theater, looked up, and then saw all those 6-8 year old girls looking down at him.
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Future theologians will spend decades discussing how/why the cross around Kayleigh’s neck didn’t burst into flames during this exchange.
Kayleigh: The President has never lied to the American public on COVID
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@elonmusk
“Sir we’re having some real issues with our servers…”
“Shhhhh. I’m busy posting memes that will upset the core demographic of the people who buy my cars.”
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I’m looking at the latest poll numbers for Ron DeSantis, and guys…?
I think Woke won the War.
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@realDonaldTrump
@ChanelRion
@OANN
Imagine, if if it were true that they deleted 2.7 million votes (and it’s NOT), you STILL would have lost by about 3 million votes.
Wowza, this is a BIG loser right here.
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“Sorry you have measles, Timmy, but your mother and I thought this would be the best way to own the libs.
Anyway, drink lots of liquids, we’re headed to a boat parade for Trump!”
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@RonFilipkowski
Sure.
What ALL women want is Ted Cruz’s beady-eyed slow-Ewok face two inches from theirs, twisted up in hedgehog ecstasy as he ruts like a rusty piston for two minutes before shouting Trump’s name and landing next to them in a sweaty shame ball.
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Currently happening in the next room:
My 10yo is playing restaurant.
My 13yo has decided to attend, but has adopted a Trump supporter character, angry that he has to wear a mask.
He keeps coughing and complaining that none of the food has any taste to it.
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@Franklin_Graham
@realDonaldTrump
The guy had sex with a porn star while his child was still nursing. He then paid her off illegally so he could fool people into voting for him.
He destroyed himself, Franklin, and you know in your heart if this weren’t a politician you could profit from, you’d be condemning him.
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@ask_aubry
“Women are too emotional to be in politics”, he thought to himself as he patched up the hole he punched in the drywall because the basketball team he liked best didn’t win.
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The only thing worse than a file marked “Top Secret” being somewhere it shouldn’t be is an EMPTY file marked “Top Secret” being where it shouldn’t be.
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Do you have any idea how bad a Speaker vote has to go for George Santos NOT to be the most embarrassing thing happening in your party?
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@nytdavidbrooks
Just *imagine* what David Brooks’ phone is gonna do when his plane lands and he turns it back on.
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@nytdavidbrooks
To be fair, the ratio of scotch-to-meal is probably pretty high.
I mean, not as high as what the ratio will be on this ill-advised tweet, but, still…
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Republicans during the pandemic: You need to open schools! Kids NEED school.
Republicans now: You need to homeschool your kids! public school is enemy number one!
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@MollyJongFast
Florida, America’s cousin who slept over on thanksgiving, made himself s’mores at 3 AM, left the oven gas on all night, then smoked meth at noon, exploding the house and everyone in it.
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Obama should start a blog today, just to flex on Donald.
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@RonFilipkowski
I mean, Lou, if you’re gonna lie about Trump, why stop at those three?
“4. He invented the alphabet.
5. He once jumped over Snake River Canyon in a rocket car.
6. He knows The Wolfman personally.
7. He can breath through his earlobes.
8. He truly loves Eric.”
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@AdamKinzinger
@CrabWithAHat
@GOP
This is despicable and wrong on every level.
It’s also exactly what the post-MAGA GOP wants.
MAGA is just a vehicle that turns the inchoate hate of unexceptional white people into money and power for the grifters in charge.
MAGA will tend this garden as long as it bears fruit.
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@StephenKing
It’s the “didn’t-have-a-date-for-prom-to-hating-movies-that-have-women-stars” pipeline.
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@RepCawthorn
Tell me you’re a college dropout without telling me you’re a college dropout.
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@tedcruz
Weird how you’ll stand up for everyone’s right to get sick with covid on thanksgiving, but not for your own wife.
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@atrupar
Every single person with an emotionally abusive parent just had flashbacks to saying the “wrong thing” at dinner.
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Your uncle with the wraparound sunglasses might have died from the heart issue anyway, but Covid didn’t help.
So, y’know, get the vaccine and stop philosophizing.
“AcTuAlLY, we’ll die from cancer and NOT from radiation” doesn’t help when Chernobyl is melting down.
9/x
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@ask_aubry
He’s not mad at her, he’s mad at his own perceived shortcomings.
The marriage is going to crumble under the crushing weight of his insecurity & when it’s over, both of these dudes are going to have the exact same length & girth as they had before.
She married YOU, fella, relax.
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@MittRomney
I feel like you’re only a half step from the light on Trump and J6c Mitt.
Listen, you’re a kajillionaire, you’ve got a few years of safety left on your senate seat…
Just lit it rip man. Stand with your colleagues in the House and make a go of it. Help drag Trump to jail.
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@atrupar
Trump NEVER had to take off for work for a single thing!
I mean, it was because he never actually did any work, but still…
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@ask_aubry
Weird how the idea of “getting better at sex” never worked its way through the self-pity and narcissism in his brain.
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@Acyn
A guy who left his cancer-stricken wife while she was in the hospital so he could marry his mistress talking about empathy is a rich as Rudy Giuliani isn’t.
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Plus, I’m often critical of the way our country handles things.
(Like, y’know, giving guns to babies the moment their ten-year-old moms are forced to give birth to them. I’m against that sort of thing.)
4/15
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I’m patriotic because I’m not done with that idea, not by a long shot.
(Oh, and also because Joey Chestnut rules. He’s America’s favorite son and must be protected at all costs.)
15/15
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Katie Britt’s GOP response has big “Nicole Kidman talking about the power of the movies at AMC” energy.
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@nytdavidbrooks
Live footage of David Brook’s phone vibrating with alerts as his plane taxis…
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@AOC
Their hero tweets about women he doesn’t like from inside a bunker while spending $70,000 to make his hair look like a meth-addicted bird attempted to make a nest, and they nod and whisper “so alpha”.
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