Jon Stewart
@jonstewart
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Joined January 2021
So. if I do really well on here I get to be President, yes?.
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This is bullshit. The Redditors aren't cheating, they're joining a party Wall Street insiders have been enjoying for years. Don't shut them down. maybe sue them for copyright infringement instead!!.We've learned nothing from 2008. Love.StewBeef.
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Thanks for the warm welcome! I promise to only use this app in a sporadic and ineffective manner.
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Sooo…it appears the Supreme Court believes their opinions have a fundamental right to privacy….
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I called Tucker Carlson a dick on National television. It’s high time I apologize. to dicks. Never should have lumped you in with that terrible terrible person.
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Friends. Tonite I am sad. @TuckerCarlson believes me too short to date…and yet somehow, miraculously, I remain tall enough to not know what Victor Orban’s ass tastes like! Is it goulash Tucky? Seems like it would be goulash.
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“The President was guilty of everything he was accused of. which is why I voted to acquit”.
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umm. note to CNN. a "chaotic incident" is college kids storming a basketball court, not a massacre at a food line. .
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Funny. @SenToomey never called for spending caps on the war…only on the health care for veterans sickened by said wars. Interesting priorities. #PassthePactact.
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I can’t believe they assigned Trump such a shitty Public Defender.
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This impeachment highlights a fundamental tenet of our legal system. All Americans,regardless of status, are entitled to a speedy trial by a jury of your cowardly partisan sycophants and henchmen.
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Bill Russell was one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I’ve ever met. Once called out of the blue because he thought I looked sad on TV…best pep talk of my life. RIP.
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Beautiful. In solidarity with the incredible courage and resilience of the women of Iran.
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No one could make you break like Norm Macdonald. Hilarious and unique. Fuck cancer.
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Hey all!! Just found out I’m woke… all this time.I just thought I was good at history.
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No I didn't.
Jon Stewart accuses J.K. Rowling of antisemitism in 'Harry Potter'
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First they came for Mister Potato Head. and I said nothing. because it didn’t seem like something to get that upset about.
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Dear TV.The problem w the Trump Town Hall wasn't platforming. or a fragile siloed audience unable to be exposed to newsworthy opinions antithetical to their own. the problem was an event that was clearly negotiated to Trump's approval. An ode to access.
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I learned nothing from this town hall about Trump and his most ardent supporters I haven't known since 2016. I learned a lot about CNN.
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OMG!! I've been caught doing something not remotely similar to Trump! I guess all I need to do now is start a fraud college, steal classified docs, bankrupt casinos, pay hush money, grab pussies, discriminate in housing, cheat at golf and foment insurrection and you'll revere me!.
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Ah dearest Theodore. I do appreciate you and @JesseBWatters trying to rally the forces of misinformation to try and kill more vets…but not tonite sweetie. I’ll go slow cuz I know you only went to Princeton and Harvard….
.@jonstewart you're wrong here. The bill gives a $400B blank check—separate from vets care—for unrelated pork that will supercharge inflation. I support the PACT Act & the $679.4B it would dedicate to vets. It’s ppl trying to use PACT to shovel more pork who are exploiting vets.
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Jimmy Carter is one of the kindest most thoughtful people I’ve ever had the honor of meeting. He’s the best of us.
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Friends. After much reflection I have decided to enter the transfer portal for my last year of eligibility. Excited for the future!.5’7” ish.165.14.8 second 40.#Blessed #NILBABY #TDSnation #LFGM.
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I too, renounce SAG-AFTRA!!!.You have let me down as well, done nothing. I will no longer abide your gross abdication of. oh wait. I’m just shitty at acting. never mind. President Jon Stewart.
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Hello! A quick thanks for all the kind words and awesome pictures and stories of your special furballs. A reminder that social media isn't entirely a cesspool. just mostly. Here's a couple of shots from the meet cute that began our love affair. #Dipperisthebestboy @AnimalHaven
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Morning @SenToomey I'd rather be a pseudo celeb than pseudo Senator! Take your amendment vote at the same 60 threshold Veterans had to hit. Good luck capping and rationing care!!!!!.
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Holy shit guys!!! Dipper is trending!! I’m bawling…again…thank you so much…
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Windmills and Ted Cruz’s children are taking this country down a very dark path.
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This is the dumbest thing The UK has done since electing Boris Johnson…what the actual fuck….
Hey @jonstewart, not sure if you're following the Jon-Stewart-related news out of the UK but Labour parliamentary candidate and Muslim woman @faizashaheen has just been suspended tonight from the Labour Party for liking on Twitter this old Israel video sketch of yours.
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Yes. I’ve come back up on you. much like one of your nasty nasty sandwiches. .
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I believe compromise is the heart of unity. Progress demands concessions. So, to the right, in exchange for universal health care, I will allow all future space lasers to be non denominational. What comprises do you propose?.Remember there are no bad ideas!!! #unity.
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Looks like House Republicans are getting ready to break another promise to America’s Veterans…less than a year after making it!! Damn Hypocrites. #ProtectVeteransHealthCare.
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McConnell to Democrats:.Don’t you dare go full McConnell!.
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But while I have your attention, could all of you (including news orgs) please ask @PatToomey why he is single-handedly stalling a veterans health care bill that passed w huge bipartisan support over a technicality? Asking for 3.5 million friends. Thanks!.
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In 2021 I learned I might owe 2020 an apology. Good riddance to a shit show of a year.
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No one is playing politics with the Pact Act but you, Toomey and your band of merry monsters. Stop fucking around and pass the bill you already had passed. Thank you for coming to my TedCruz talk.
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Respect to Maxey…but damn…I’m clearly getting too old for this shit…
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Not one of these stab vets in the back Senators should get to leave for the Summer til this shit is fixed. Not one.
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Congratulations @SenToomey You successfully used the Byzantine Senate rules to keep sick veterans suffering!!!! Kudos! I’m sure you’ll celebrate by kicking a dog or punching a baby…or whatever terrible people do for fun!!!!!.
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Thumbs down on minimum wage hike!!!! Way to stick it to “Big Don’t Make Enough Money”!!!.
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This isn’t a game. Real people’s lives hang in the balance…people that fought for your life. The PACT act you voted for, then inexplicably shot down is the same one Senators Tester and Moran posted online in MAY. Which you read cuz yer shmart.
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If you watch only one video today….make it a monkey washing a cat….
State Sen. Nathan Dahm (R-OK) has penned several bills loosening gun restrictions, including the nation’s first anti-red flag law. He thinks these bills protect the Second Amendment – and that they make us safer. We think it's probably one or the other. Watch it on @AppleTVPlus.
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Show everyone where in the Pact Act is this 400 billion dollars blank check or unrelated spending that was added/snuck in…OR show section 805 c of the actual bill that explicitly states what the Toxic Exposure Fund can be used for. Next.
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Constitutional scholars agree!!! The Statute of Limitations on an attempted coup has always been 30 to 35 days!!!.
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This is what it’s come to. Veterans. The sick, the dying. Fed up. Pulling an all nighter to support their fellow vets. This is the hell their service has brought them.
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CSPAN in the motha fuckin hooouuussseee!!!!.
Exchange between @jonstewart and @DepSecDef Kathleen Hicks on the defense budget: "I can't figure out how $850 billion to a department means that the rank and file still have to be on food stamps. To me, that's fucking corruption."
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Sleep well Richard…I’ll try to take good care of our face.
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It’d be like if the escalator had just stopped halfway down….
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The question is. How do you shame the shameless? @SenToomey @LeaderMcConnell #supportveterans #notthewarmachine or really. how do you shame the shameful?.
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RIP Gilbert. Opening for Gilbert Gottfried at Carolines and Princeton Catch was one of the great thrills of my early stand up life. He could leave you gasping for breath…just indescribably unusually hilarious…Damn.
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Powerful yet somehow still aggrieved man-babies are my least favorite man-baby.
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Convinced FoxNews would rather have a Civil War than lose even a smidge of market share….
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Rosie and Lee Roy Torres almost lost it all because of his toxic exposure in Balad. instead, they won, for all others who served. Love you guys.
Jon, with Rosie Torres, founder of @BurnPit360, moments after the vote to pass the PACT Act. 📷: Mike Morones @moaa
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I owe Arbys an apology.
To get people excited about pizza again, Papa Johns is offering a new spin on the classic, with Papa Bowls that are all topping — no crust.
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If only there was a gif of someone watching this with great anticipation whilst enjoying popcorn….
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Alright folks. Today is the day I spam your feed. maybe even thread that shit. Today the House passed the PACT act. with bipartisan support. We are one step closer to finally recognizing Toxic Exposures for Veterans in the right way.
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Show everyone what was added/snuck into the Pact Act that YOU voted for on June 16, that made you change to No in July. Be specific. Or were you for the bill before you were against it Senator Kerry…I mean Cruz. Next.
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We promise good sir. we are no longer Fake News!!! An enemy of the people!!! Let us prove it to you!!! We are fair and good and will do this however you would like. just come back. .
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There is no finer legacy than having the right people hate you. Frauds, liars and hack ideologues. Discuss.
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And the pictures I’m seeing of all of your Dippers is giving me so much needed joy!!!.
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As a nation we must always seek to root out the pubic hairs of corruption from the Coke can of our beloved Republic.
For decades, Justice Clarence Thomas has secretly accepted luxury trips from a major Republican donor, newly obtained documents and interviews show. The extent and frequency of these apparent gifts to Thomas has no known precedent in modern SCOTUS history. 🧵👇
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The PACT Act is a stand alone bill. The PACT Act has no spending unrelated to Veteran's Health and Benefits. There is no "Pork". There is no budget maneuver that then allows Dems to backfill w whatever they want. but as a registered Liberal Piece of Shit. don't take my word.
25 senators changed their votes and no longer support toxic-exposed veterans. No more delays! No more games! Tell your senators to #PASSTHEPACTACT!
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Please get him fired! Seriously, what the fuck! It needs to stop immediately, like tonight. It’s measurably hurting the company. The stock price is down, not a joke. #Murdoch #foxfiles #mediabiasagainstwhitepeople
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You are such a huge part of his unparalleled legacy. Blessings to your family.
@jonstewart Jon, Bill’s daughter here. Daddy ADORED you. He loved being on the show. Dad knew how important artists like you were in making change. I remember having the nerve to pull a prank on you 😬 and you and Daddy laughing about it! (I have a picture with you two but can’t find it 😢)
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Hello 911? I’d like to report that the NY Mets are trying to kill me.
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It has come to my attention that I do not know how to make a “thread”.My response to this accusation is a hearty “you are correct”.
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First Responders Last Priority!! Congress fails to close funding gap in World Trade Center Healthcare Program…but DOD gets an extra 850 billion!! Priorities!!! Please fix this on behalf of all those still hurting!.
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Sad news. Staff Sgt. Wesley Black passed away Sunday afternoon. Wes dedicated his last days to his wife Laura and son Ronan, family, friends and his Hartford Fire Dept. brethren. and fighting to make sure no other veterans would endure this struggle. Hero.
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Vote. Please.
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The Trump/Fox axis isn't soft pedaling Putin's actions. they agree with them. They are political allies. They believe in the same things. To them, the American Left and most of Europe are the Evil Empire.
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PS Fuck the R caucus and their empty promise to our veterans.
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Holy Rigorous Scrutiny Batman!!!.
Me: "It's just error after error, Matt?".@mtaibbi: "Well, that is an error.". Watch me confront Matt Taibbi with multiple, unacknowledged, and glaring mistakes in his Twitter Files reporting. Full @MehdiHasanShow interview later tonight. Preview:.
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