I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

I hate the Oklahoma City thunder more than Hitler (I wasn’t alive for all that)

every two years tiger woods either wins a golf thing or crashes his car and dies

first nose wouldn’t even notice if the coke was laced with marbles

So crazy that Julius Caesar had that line queued up when Brutus stabbed him. If my friend stabbed me id say something like “Ow Ben” or “Whats gotten into you Ben”

Shoot him and make it look like a suicide

I know this isnt a script but in real life i have a standup show on friday in brooklyn. If you live in new york you should come instead of spending time on this app. Its 10 bucks but if u cant afford it just dm me https://t.co/GZa0MWGUDE

When I first started writing a movie about Oppenheimer, I never would have thought Christopher Nolan would buy the story from me. We’ve come a long way from my original script versus what made it to screen.

If you can afford doordash more than twice a week you deserve the trauma of your best friend dying in your arms

this is clearly not Damar Hamlin right

If you go to the meadowlands escape room in new jersey and you get to the part where youre holding a stick with a hook at the end of it, DO NOT use it to grab a loose wire on the ceiling. they get pissed AND they dont pause the timer when they come in with a ladder to untangle it

and they have these huge fucking claws that just tear through flesh. Jamie pull up the video of the biker getting attacked by the grizzly bear. I mean can you imagine staring this thing in the face? Jesus in headphones and t shirt: i mean its eyes alone are giving me nightmares

This isnt photoshopped

(already with 4 buzzers just from them asking me about myself) What is a cows favorite moooovie shit wait i meant what is pulp fiction to every cow

[Drinking diet cokes in his underwear and pointing the gun at the mirror] “put the girl down joker”

Elon hired me earlier this week to transcribe everything people are saying at Twitter HQ. Here is the last 24 hours

Theres a Karate school on my block that records the sound from inside the class and plays it outside to get peoples attention and a kid just broke his hand on a 2x4

In 2019 while working for the Chicago Bulls, I wrote an episode of The Last Dance and pitched it to director Jason Hehir. He told me that it was a documentary based on a real team. Here is my script he rejected

Kirby voiced by mitch mcconnell: i sucked up a construction worker and now i got a little hard hat

You remember when chuck e cheese would put old pizza slices together and say its a new pizza thats the government

I thought people would be more on board with my Construction Day idea