my book is available for preorder now! click thru if you wish to read my most evil and shameful thoughts about working in the tv industry and what it's like being married to a therapist 🤫 https://t.co/7roNWgFxxT

periodic reminder that if you can preorder my debut novel anytime you like and give yourself a lovely treat in april. early reader reviews are calling it "a biting, hilarious debut," "painfully relatable" and "just not for me"!!! https://t.co/7roNWgFxxT

hi i wrote a book! ok love you bye

I watched an episode of selling the oc and now for the rest of my life every time i enter a room i have to shout “okay, THIS is what’s gonna sell this house” then break into manic trills of laughter as my gleaming claws scrabble to adjust my Sex Blazer :/

I only come across as boring at parties because “what have you been up to” is the magic incantation that wipes my brain clean of all knowledge of my past present and future activities

“Just because we’re currently standing in the shadow of an enormous tsunami still gathering momentum is no reason not to give us a grandchild.” A message from your mother, by the humor writer @halliecantor.

relatives everywhere are praising* my new humor piece! https://t.co/JFzrEKbdGm *asking if it means i'm thinking of having a baby soon

Is there a condition in the DSM where a person can be mostly extremely mentally heathy but if a man with a tiny braided mullet honks at u for backing out too quick in the whole foods parking lot you have an overwhelming urge to kill yourself for 2-4 min

I produced this week’s show which meant tricking @halliecantor and Hannah Einbeinder into executing this. I love it so much.

my 30s are all about seamlessly transferring anxiety about my friends thinking im cool into anxiety about my friends' toddlers thinking im cool

So sad for ppl experiencing social anxiety after covid! I personally have never felt closer to my own best friends, podcast hosts who dont know me and whose joyful camaraderie is the only hint of life that penetrates the glass walls of my mind prison

Some (me) may say the nanny is frasier for girls but I (me ten minutes later) say frasier is the nanny for goys

Please revel in this meeting of the minds betwixt myself and brilliant feminist icon @NotThatReba #FreeBritney!!!

@caseyjohnston almost entirely your columns fault, thank you 💕🏋️‍♀️

i have seen a lot of good ppl turn into Boyfriends and never thought it would happen to me. then today i found myself lifting free weights while listening to weezer's white album. be careful out there

i have come up with a practical and useful rhyme for figuring out which movie characters will turn out to be villains. who's Bad in this film? / oh u silly goose / all bald men are Bad / unless they are bruce [willis]

V g scene where Bradley cooper attempts suicide via sous vide bag in front of his rival

# of times so far in pandemic I have watched the 2005 film Burnt starring Bradley cooper as the most horny rock n roll bad boy chef of the international fine dining elite: 2

My wife premieres tomorrow 😌🐍

i am in awe of these writers and our AWESOME writers assistant @mackdaddysdaddy who should be hired for all jobs immediately