one time, in jail, i was put in a pod on the same floor with a kid i went to high school with who kept telling people how good i was in our drama department’s production of neil simon’s “fools”.

scheana loves me and jax’s terrifying burner account tried to follow me. i’m canonically a part of the vanderpump rules universe now.

yea we’re not doing this lmfao. that man is terrifying and i am staying as far out of his orbit as humanly possible. this account liked all the tweets i’m quoting a couple days ago, then showed back up today to follow me? no thank you. fun fact: we share the same birthday tmw

RT @YourGoomah: so many braindead reality tv viewers committed to hating Scheana no matter what. The sooner you realize Scheana Shay is the….

RT @YourGoomah: Scheana Shay has given to us endlessly. Without Scheana Shay we would not have Vanderpump Rules. This is such important con….

just watched a teenage mcdonalds employee tell her coworker that she “don’t get how change works” & “folks who use cash shouldn’t go to restaurants” while she miscounted change for the guy ahead of me twice. she laughed, gave up, other girl finished. we’re truly so beyond cooked.

a very sincere thank you to any and all of my buddies who donated to the birthday blu ray extravaganza. it’s been a rough ass year and it’s nice to know you folks are there!.

just put my out of office message up on teams. god is real and she’s beautiful.

RT @gorgeousbrains: ok one last time for the road baby. heading to knoxville tmw to celebrate turning until oldest age you can turn before….

$35 for a fucking milk crate! and they threw the rainbow emoji in the caption! that is some goddamn evil work lmfao

oh also we’re going to the fanboy expo (name so embarrassing i almost regret being born because it led to eventually buying a ticket) so if, by chance you’ll be there, let’s link and build and shake hands while making unflinching eye contact. ok love u.

ok one last time for the road baby. heading to knoxville tmw to celebrate turning until oldest age you can turn before you die. been looking forward to mckays (physical media mecca) for literal months. if you feel inclined to donate to the birthday blu ray fund.venmo: fpjakehall.

desperately need to start packing but the thing is i have never wanted to do anything less and even the idea of packing my items/clothes into a backpack and suitcase is making me want to dive headfirst into a standard sized above ground pool filled with old fluorescent lightbulbs.

lmfao just got like four messages about this in the last hour. i’ve now been woven into the fabric of i know what you did last summer lore. i’ve learned to embrace that this is my legacy. long live fictionaljake (if elon was real he’d bring my old account back from the dead).

apologizing to god for cultivating such a lifeless, sad collection of followers. self immolating in front of the cross. she gave me such power, and i squandered it. i should’ve worked harder to find a place in a community that would appreciate what i bring to the table.

my followers are cowards and virgins and i just have to make peace with that.

the first time i got my thing sucked on.

this is very sweet and also very true. can confirm, at almost six years in, it is very cool to be in love with your best friend. very fun experience, highly recommend. apologies for being romantic in a public forum.

RT @jaboukie: then explain how i'm married to the game.

i think she’s really cool btw just for the record.