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@jaboukie
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"hOw CaN YoU tAlK aBoUt GuN CoNtRoL wHeN yOu'Ve NeVeR FiReD a GuN" how ya'll anti gay and you've never sucked cock
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therapy
- expensive
- months to years of hard work
- emotionally draining
“it be like that sometimes”
- free
- immediately super effective
- emotionally healing
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us: please can we have gun control children are dying
government: yanny?
👋
\ 😳
|| \_
_/¯ ¯\_
or laurel
😜
👊/||\_
_/¯ ¯\_
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liberal arts major:
stem major: ugh im so JEALOUS of u like i WISH i could just read clifford the big red dog and make flower crowns but instead i gotta create the new ai algorithm for the robot amazon uses to beat workers when they faint lol but good luck finding a job lol jk ;)
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fros are back. everyone's obsessed with flowers. popular music is psychedelic/funk influenced. nuclear war is imminent. it's the 70s
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how's fiona supposed to eclipse the sun when she's a star
Fiona tipped the scales at 451 lbs this morning. Soon she'll be big enough to eclipse the sun herself!
#teamfiona
#SolarEclipse2017
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youth culture is feeling like if you don't succeed by 25 someone will literally come kill you
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i told him that when i found out he wrote for 30 rock i realized black people could write tv and now i’m a screenwriter and he said he recognized me from twitter i’m astral projecting
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notice how EVERY show has a gay character these days? what happened to making all the characters straight so young women can decide whose gay in their fan fiction? are we really this against a woman's right to choose?
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there’s a ban on lettuce in the u.s. and i say GOOD. arugula has done the heavy lifting in salads for ages while lettuce brings NOTHING to the table, taste or nutrient wise. spinach has crossed over to casseroles, wraps, even SMOOTHIES. miss lettuce simply doesn’t have the range
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me on public transit listening to music pretending like i’m in an indie movie
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people born after 2000 will never fully understand the generational trauma inflicted by hollister & abercrombie
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us: better gun control
gov: this is a mental health issue
us: better mental health care
gov:
us: ???
*two mass shootings later*
gov: hey sorry i was in the shower
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they had that girl locked in the studio throwing snowballs of cocaine at her face while she charleston shuffled on 2 hours of sleep and a stomach full of barbiturates she didn't know wtf was going on
two movies. a year apart. same bitch.
shoutout to Gen Z for teaching me this.
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me pretending to have 5 years experience at an entry level interview
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child: where do babies come from
me: staying in your hometown after high school
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i cannot watch tv bc i am too easily influenced. i watch abbott im like "yeah no... im meant to teach" i watch the bear im like "no yeah... culinary school is in my future"
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white man: i'm gunna kill ppl & cause terror
media: local artisanal gunslinger provides a wild bout of nondelight
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tl is like "sorry but i cant sympathize with people who spend 250k just to suffer" and every grad student is silent
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"wHy DoN't ThEy JuSt ApPlY fOr CiTiZeNsHiP" you get frustrated when amazon forgets your debit card info shut the whole fucking fuck up
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millennial dating
u: hey wyd wednesday
them: working to survive. wyd saturday
u: being tired from working to survive then laundry
them: nice
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"millennials killed department stores" baby boomers killed the polar bears but right right right my deepest apologies to jc penny
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I JUST GOT MY FIRST TV WRITING JOB MAJOR IN WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU SHIT
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if a nickname is what people call you for short then your full name is your nicholas name
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what did we do to deserve this heat beside absolutely destroy the environment for the last century
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no
As of this week, Frank Ocean’s ‘Blonde’ has re-entered the billboard top 200 at
#196
— is everyone doing ok?
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*turns macbook toward tv screen so jeff at the fbi headquarters can watch black mirror with me*
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people are dying
Doughnuts that get a crown of 23K gold are the level of goals we strive to be at. 🍩
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remember when snapchat showed “best friends” and we all just watched people cheat before our eyes
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me talking to a friend: like yes, intimacy is great, but am i really ready for a full relationship right now?
instagram ad: Do you feel like yes, intimacy is great, but am i really ready for a full relationship right now? If so, you should shop at this online thrift store
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gay twitter: boo str8 ppl lol
hetero: but when i say i’d kill my child if they were gay then it’s a problem huh
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yeah sex is cool but have you ever fantasized about an infrastructure renewal program funded by the taxes of billionaires
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net neutrality: *dies*
me talking to my best friend through a tin can with a wire in the back: hey lol wyd
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this is the highest honor of my shitposting career. i owe this all to bisexuals
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first rule of comedy: drop a piano on your head from a tall building then emerge from the piano rubble with a smile that reveals your teeth have now become piano keys
first rule of comedy: NEVER target someone more famous than U who is in the audience. U will lose the entire crowd.
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just a warning that we are ~18 days away from white frat bros putting on a maga hat/blackface and calling it a kanye costume and ~19 days away from kanye defending them
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was walking down the street eating a red velvet cupcake and a guy walked by and said "it's good huh"
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me in the shower about to pass out but refusing to turn the temp down cus i need the water scalding
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second hand shein is kinda the move like most of the lead is already on someone elses body
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being attracted to men means at some point in your life you've pretended to be interested in watching someone play video games
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anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
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taylor swift and matty healy are phoebe bridgers and bo burnham for people whose robert pattinson and fka twigs is zendaya and tom holland
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net neutrality has gotta stay i cannot go back to books i forgot how to read
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nvm he texted me back
some straight/str8 men hate flamboyance in gay men bc gay joy reminds the straight/str8 man of what he has suffocated himself in exchange for social acceptance or power. he folds himself into whatever shape a real Man looks like and yet he is neither Real nor Happy
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then make her work 60 hours a week for a bag of skittles meant to feed a family of four to teach her about capitalism
I’m going to take half of Chloe’s candy tonight & give it to some kid who sat at home. It’s never to early to teach her about socialism.
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it was so hard squeezing to fit under that podium and making sure my throat didnt make any noises. thank god i zipped him up before they pulled him away
Mitch McConnell escorted away from cameras after freezing mid-news conference.
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beyoncé nailing choreography and hitting every note: 😌
me trying to reach the outlet behind my bed:
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but foreal, we leaving sex negativity in 2017. heaux if you want to. be celibate if you want to. be kinky if you want to. have perfectly still missionary if you want to. do it for cash or do it for free. no one is "clean" or "unclean." body counts only count if someone died
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straight men put on a button up shirt with pineapples and lose they morals
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if they have on high waisted pants with the shirt tucked in they’re bi until further notice
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paying back student loans
- hard
- not fun
- impossible
waiting for the apocalypse
- easy
- fun memes along the way
- increasingly likely
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i used to be the one defending kanye AGAINST white supremacists and now white supremacists are defending kanye against ME
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my organs watching me take medication on an empty stomach with cold brew
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refusing to call white men who commit mass murder terrorists is based off the false idea that white men are the Truest Americans and therefore only act in the country’s best interests and have no political motivations to attack it xoxo gossip girl
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retail and service workers who openly scroll thru their phone on the job are anti-capitalist legends
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shouts out to all the depressed people who made it through 2017 we did THAT
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looking directly into the sun during a solar eclipse can raise your intelligence by 30 points but it only works for white supremacists
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low income family: h-
health twitter: this can of organic fava beans is only $8.99 and ezekiel bread is only $10.00. “too expensive” is a myth eat ur bean sandwiches poories
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we tear down girls for trying too hard to be ~quirky~ while saying NOTHING about boys who base their entire personalities off listening to one death grips album and wearing vans
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|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
implying tht all
homophobes r
secretly gay
allows str8 people
to blame gay people
for homophobia
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ づ
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me: hi
person with blue eyes: well in certain light they're more cerulean but more often than not a deep turquoise tinged cyan
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Kylie Jenner The Youngest Person To Refuse Solving The Flint Water Crisis Even Though They Could
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tbh i have so much respect for Mother Nature and ik she’s going thru a lot w her toxic relationship to mankind but like she pushes me away w allergies & bugs & i’m so willing to show up for her in other ways like recycling or watching planet earth but im not going outside anymore
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let's change Black Friday to Capitalism Day and Thanksgiving to Capitalism Eve where you spend the night carb loading so at midnight you have enough energy to super kick a bluetooth speaker out of a mother's grasp
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degrassi really had me going into high school ready to get pregnant and stabbed
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mcdonalds: *forgets 3rd ketchup packet*
suburban mom with a blonde highlighted shoulder length bob and bedazzled sunglasses in a pt cruiser:
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good morning which parent are we realizing we’re slowly becoming today
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snooki getting punched in the face on jersey shore was the modern stabbing of julius cesar and the beginning of the fall of the american empire
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i've never actually seen pulp fiction but i've pieced it together from college dorm room posters
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mall santa: what do you want for christmas little boy
me: real friends for malia obama
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remember when you could use electronics out of the box without installing an app and getting on wifi and setting up a monthly membership then climbing a mountain with your son and holding a knife to his throat until the voice that was giving you directions tells you to stop
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white men who ruin lives are punished less than black children who cant sit still
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