her: no guy under 5’8” is attractive. that’s just facts me: oh? explain this then *i reach in my back pocket and pull out a polaroid i took of my father sleeping in his underwear*

texting my father in law: i seriously need you to convince me not to name my baby after you someday😂🍼 texting my father: ok but why is your name so cute for my baby??😭🥹

me: my life is pretty fucking confusing considering every god-like creature i run into claims to be my creator (handing over stapler) my boss: (stapling paper stack) did you ever stop to think maybe you are the combined sum of all their minor parts? me: (taking back stapler) no

Whenever I see something like this I think about how scared and perhaps awed I would be if a human wrote it

your instagram post where you’re making wacky faces in all of them is absolutely amazing😂 i love how it shows even though youre very conventionally attractive, you don’t take yourself too seriously. mind if i bookmark to jack off to later?

awesome, my earbuds just disconnected right when my cum countdown was finishing and completely messed up my rhythm. now everyone in macy’s knows ive got blue balls

you should come over tonight, me and the fellas are going to die the true death. its gonna be final

(texting my daughter’s teacher at 3am) jordan belfort eas such a mney genius

my applebees server is trying to make me roleplay as a good customer. ya fuckin right im causing a ruckus

very humbling searching around the bookstore for a while in vain, only to have it revealed the book i was looking for was in the childrens section

me: (gamin with the boys) sorry if im not as in the zone tonight. my parents were viciously murdered by a psycho earlier today peter: its cool, ill carry lenny: like you could carry harold: need some stims me: my parents needed stims. ha.. lenny: hey lets cut chatter on coms

a stupid version of batman who never picks up any of the clues left for him. his villains are constantly hanging around the meetup spot, then go home and just watch some late night tv before having some herbal tea and going to bed

let me get this straight: nick feuntes, a self proclaimed incel virgin, was complaining about dating being hopeless in this modern era? not only did i meet my fiancée online—we have also had sex multiple times this year alone. sounds like a skill issue.. im out 🥱🫳 🎤

answering the door late at night and im in just a t-shirt and a bonnet over my balls

there are treasures waiting to be found everywhere. you need only know where to look

anybody else own a pair of glasses?😂

they locked me in a cage in the middle of the mall again for all the shoppers to gawk and spit at as they pass by. i seriously need to stop falling for this trap and coming here, but there’s no other toy land in town

she’s glued

me: ever since batman pushed me into chemicals my life’s been completely fucked. i cant stop laughing, my skin is white and itches, my hair’s green. im losing my goddamn mind my psychologist: oh sweetie, aint you a little cutie pie! not actually me☝️. its joker and harley qui

im sorry i looked so fucked up at your birthday party. batman pushed me into a vat of chemicals earlier in the day and it did quite a number on me

i could never manage a threesome. i can barely keep up with my own hand