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@gldivittorio
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Following
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Statuses
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Wife, mother, patriot. Insta: @gldivittorio
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Joined June 2011
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This is the first time I’ve seen this guy not look like he took an adderall and robbed a pet store after not sleeping for 5 days
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“Don’t ask friends for help moving as an adult” “don’t ask friends to do a potluck as an adult” you can literally ask me to hold your hand at the dentist and I will do it
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None of you guys have ever been outside
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She was crazier than him, and more fearless, she was his queen
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Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
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Damn one season without a school dance and they folded
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✨A gender reveal caused more property damage than all BLM protests combined ever have✨
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“All of Olivia Rodrigos’ songs are breakup songs” did you want her to write about the civil war??
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The cops shot and killed a 15 year old kidnapping victim after she jumped out of her captors car and ran towards them for help
Kidnapping suspect, daughter killed in shootout with law enforcement
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If we go back into full lockdown all winter I'm starting hard drugs or becoming a flat earther or something I cannot do this again fully aware
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If people think rioting is unacceptable wait until they hear about murder
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I would say my favorite part of 2020 was the two days we thought he was going to die
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Kindergarten class: April showers bring May flowers but what do Mayflowers bring?
Me: (loudly from the back) Genocide
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No one and I mean no one is more dedicated to a bit than this guy
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I was showing my vaccine card at a bar last night and one of my friends was like, “oh, it’s not laminated or anything?” and I felt like…a whore
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We’re about to either get federally legalized weed or go to war
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Everyone on this website is always like, "Eat the rich," but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it's a problem, hypocrites
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You’re laughing. Military recruiters are going to have to make a whole new slideshow now and you’re laughing.
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This is, regrettably, the funniest thing a president has ever done
Donald Trump, answering phone call from 7-year-old on Christmas Eve: "Are you still a believer in Santa? Because at seven it's marginal, right?"
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I realized I was missing an airpod on the way home so I started retracing my steps looking for it and let me tell you there are more single cloves of garlic laying around the streets of Brooklyn than you might think
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My friend just ended a relationship and is having doubts saying things like, “But where am I going to find another guy as obsessed with Star Wars and dogs as me?” And I’m trying so hard to be sympathetic but like, girl, anywhere.
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Parents please remember to check your children’s Halloween candy I found a liberal propaganda twix bar in my kid’s today
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She wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
She’s cheer captain and
Pop culture demonized the archetype of the pretty blond cheerleader to create a us vs them mentality and rivalry based on subjective comparisons in order to distract teen girls from realizing the true enemy, men
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*creation of the kangaroo*
God: Okay so the deer was a big hit let’s work off that
Angel 1: What if it could carry it’s offspring with it for protection
God: Okay that’s kind of weak Sharon but we’ll add it
Angel 2: What if it could kick the shit out of you
God: There it is
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You're laughing. Instagram accounts that gained hundreds of thousands of followers entirely by posting twitter screenshots are losing the source of their livelihood and you're laughing.
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IHOb: The B was for burgers guys lol
Denny’s: That’s so silly!
Burger King: Haha then we’re making pancakes now
Wendy’s: I hope your whole family dies in a fire for their sake so they never have to spend another second with your dumb ass
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The non-binary gender debate ended in 2008 when Britney Spears clarified that there are only two kinds of people in the world, ones that entertain, and the ones that observe.
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The reason people are having a hard time finding sympathy for the submarine passengers is because it isn’t a situation that could happen to anyone. No one is afraid of a friend or family member accidentally spending 250k to go criss cross apple sauce into the uss jigsaw
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On groundhog day we are reminded that really no one is in a position to be making fun of astrology girls
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The names of the officers who murdered Breonna Taylor in her home while she was sleeping are Johnathan Mattingly, Brett Hankison and Myles Cosgrove- there have been NO CHARGES for her death
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My Dad was raised in a conservative Catholic household but has really made strides since having kids to be open minded and has even recently become LGBTQ activist because of my sister, she’s not gay but she dyed her hair blue recently and he doesn’t know the difference
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Babe are you okay you've barely touched the little thing you ordered online to get a fleeting hit of dopamine
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Archduke Franz Ferdinand you have to stop. Your Bosnia is too annexed. Your Balkan region too different. Your monarchy too dual. They'll kill you.
my 16 year old sister just sent this to me, the American education system is in shambles
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Absolutely no one in the first five tax brackets knew that the golden globes were tonight, not a soul
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She wears high heels
I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and
I'm in the bleachers however the high school I went to was unique in that the marching band was very good and while not regarded as cool per say students enjoyed our half time show and that respect translated socially
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Why did you guys make the non-venomous snake look like such a dork
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The easiest way to tell if a woman wants your help at the gym is to check and see if you’re a trainer thats she’s hired to help her at the gym
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A challenge anyone right now to recall, from memory, the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean
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What’s truly insane is that the root cause of this is the British
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If someone gave me $100,000 I cannot stress how fast I would shut up about it
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More people have died from gender reveals than have gotten blood clots from johnson & johnson
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Love 2 remember things
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Good morning if you were born before October of 1998 you have lived through 75% of this nation's presidential impeachments
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It’s wild that Harry Styles’ team doesn’t seem to be prepared to manage a pretty moderate PR crisis or have even given him much media training, they’ve just been going off him having good vibes and wearing feminine clothing for the past like 3 years
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Yeah the dark Brandon thing stops working as a joke when you’ve directly funded the genocide of 30,000 Palestinians
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If Clifford were real the government would have made him fight in the military
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Do👏🏼not👏🏼play👏🏼devil’s👏🏼advocate👏🏼unless👏🏼you👏🏼have👏🏼passed👏🏼the👏🏼bar👏🏼and👏🏼are👏🏼currently👏🏼representing👏🏼Satan👏🏼in👏🏼a👏🏼court👏🏼of👏🏼law.👏🏼
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Obsessed with this $1,500 Anthropologie couch made for two people who hate each other
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I was at this salad bowl place and a guy was being super rude to the workers and another guy with a dog in a baby carrier strapped to his chest turns around and says, “Being an asshole won’t make you taller.”
This is the most alive I’ve felt in a long time.
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It’s gotta be wild to be Russia right now, imagine being a world power that thought it would easily overthrow a country a third their population then continuously be held off due to underestimating their military and low morale. That would be like if the US invaded Vietnam and th
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HEARTBREAKING: Skilled professional responsible for educating the next generation not paid enough to afford a car.
HEARTWARMING: A teacher breaks down in tears after the mother of a student buys her a car so she can get to work every day. ❤️️
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There’s a tiktok somewhere of an average looking guy dressed as the priest from fleabag for Halloween being asked on the street how tall he is then answering 5’7” with a friendly but confident demeanor and the video has literally thousands of comments from women thirsting for him
Young men today feel they must be six feet tall, make six figures, and have six inches downstairs to get a girlfriend—so many have given up trying.
@Olivia_Reingold
on the dating pool dropouts:
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Barbie leading Oppenheimer in Asia-Pacific geopolitical controversy is wild
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Picking out wine based on how pretty I think the label is and not associating with anyone who knows if it’s good or not
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They've had some slip ups before but damn does this campaign understand how to get to white people
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'Pumpkin' has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
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I'm afraid of horses and don't understand how that isn't a more common fear, literally everyone should be afraid of horses, they are super strong and have every reason to hate us
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Only hot girls accidentally don’t eat all day because of poor time management skills then get a $16 sandwich at 5pm to not pass out on the way home
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Imagine seeing this with no context and thinking 100 mormons were coming at you full force
HAPPENING NOW: Dozens of
@Delta
pilots are picketing at the
@ATLairport
. More than 400 pilots are here today protesting flight schedules and work conditions. Details now on
@GoodDayAtlanta
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What if Pete Davidson’s penis is a completely normal size and he just texts women something that made him think of them every once in awhile
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Me: What's an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany...
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People who joke about wanting to get hit by a car have never gotten hit by a car. Folks, my leg was swollen for weeks, there was no money involved- the guy drove away, to this day I have a slight fear of Toyota Corollas, and on top of all of that I didn’t even die.
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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Therapist: Let’s talk about your treatment and self care plan
Me: Face... mask
Therapist: That’s not a legitimate form of-
Me: ʞsɐɯ ǝɔɐℲ
Therapist: We talked about this it’s a distraction that feeds off consumerism and the internalized value of appearance
Me: ʄǟƈɛ ʍǟֆӄ
:)
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Patagonia only uses recycled and traceable down and just donated their entire 10 million dollar tax cut to fight global warming and your mcm is still buying a 1k Canada Goose jacket because he saw someone with dark eyebrows and bleach blond hair wearing one on instagram
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Me: If bathtubs are reverse boats then what are water bottles?
Therapist:
Me: Reverse submarines haha. Anyways, at this point I’m not sure if I’m stressed or just alive.
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn't quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don't know why I'm drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don't know why I'm doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
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All I'm saying is if I'm a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I'm invading
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*first date*
Guy: You’re so down to earth
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *from behind the bushes* She doesn’t have a choice
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Every guy with a funny twitter account has gotten a girlfriend from it and every girl with a funny twitter account has just gotten anxiety this is sexism
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Absolutely huge year for 5’9” brunette chicks getting enough speculations thrown around about them online to go public about the cancer diagnosis they had purposely kept private for months
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If I tweet more than three times in a day know that I am spiraling, enjoy the tweets, but just know that
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I'm on a 7hr overnight flight & the plane is dead quiet except for an older Italian woman loudly telling her life story to someone. People were annoyed at first but now I think most of the plane is engaged, there's at least one guy translating, she is currently recalling the 90s
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I am trying so hard to keep a straight face in this UPS store right now
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You can’t be sad if you just keep cleaning different parts of your apartment
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Everything I know about BYU students’ sex lives I have learned against my will
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I, a 24 year old, am going on my first real date tonight and on a related note wearing earrings for the first time in probably a year can I get a W in the chat
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